20 Excuses That Aren't Going to Fly In Light of the Ashley Madison Breach

It’s been a stressful Monday for a lot of approximately 37 million folks out there and we’re not just talking about the usual #manicmonday craziness – We’re talking about oh-god-everything-is-going-to-go-down-the-tubes stressful. It’s a whole different level.

We imagine many have been racking their brains with excuses to give if The Impact Team decides to go ahead and spill “all customer records, including profiles with all the customers’ secret sexual fantasies and matching credit card transactions, real names and addresses, and employee documents and emails”.

We’re not sure what you should say if you’ve found yourself in such a predicament but here are 20 things you definitely should not say. You’re welcome.

1. I thought it was a baby names website.
2. I was undercover writing an investigative expose.
3. I was trying to get to the Ashley Madekwe fan site. I got really into the first season of Revenge while you were out of town. I just wanted to show Ashley and the whole Revenge cast my support.
4. I signed up to make sure you weren’t a member. You passed the test!
5. What is this “internet” you speak of, I am not familiar.
6. I was looking for a Billy Madison fan page – You KNOW I love Adam Sandler. I celebrate his whole catalog.
7. Wow! Sorry! The married people on the radio ad really reacted WAY cooler than you are about this.
8. I saw all the photos and thought it was a fashion blog for middle-aged people with no heads.
9. I was trying to improve my golf game. I googled “how to swing” and it just came up.
10. I felt like sleeping with our neighbor would be boorish and this seemed more considerate.
11. I was looking for a new babysitter! … Do they not offer that?
12. I thought I was doing you a favor!
13. That wasn’t me who signed up – That was drunk me.
14. Wait, you mean you’re not one of the 37 million on it?
15. … Hall pass?
16. I thought this was the sexier version of TaskRabbit.
17. So, you’re telling me we weren’t on a break?
18. But all our married friends are on here!
19. We always cheat on our taxes – Is this really so different?
20. Well, I guess they delivered – I’m screwed.

And if you need legal advice, you know who to call.

Respectfully,
James Sexton

Divisible With Liberty & Justice For Both

What a great time to be an American! After last week’s historic Supreme Court rulings, there’s so much to celebrate, including not having to pretend you’re Canadian while on vacation in Europe! And while the Fourth is traditionally full of flag waving, hot dogs and fireworks, I like to think in addition to being psyched to be a free American, it can also be a time to reflect on hard fought personal freedoms — you know, the divorced kind! Divorce often doesn’t come cheap, but the independence gained can be priceless.

Divorce is not just the dissolution of an old contract, it’s also the time when you and your ex sign a new contract buying your freedom and independence back from each other. The two of you are basically the Jefferson and Franklin to your marriage’s King George, cutting ties and forging ahead into the great unknown. As Gerald F. Lieberman aptly said, “Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers.” Try to agree beforehand who is Jefferson and who is Franklin, it makes for an easier signing process (may I recommend whichever one of you has the better hair be Jefferson).

Don’t get me wrong, embarking on this new freedom can be scary, as it is the unknown. But just like that stuffy room full of men in pantaloons, you must charge ahead, throw caution to the wind and grab hold of your future.

Pen in hand, you might feel like a baby bird, tiny and terrified to leave the safe comfort of the devil you know (not that your soon to be former spouse is the devil, but you know what I’m trying to say). It’s ok, baby bird, harness the bravery of our forefathers within yourself. Set pen to paper and embolden yourself by humming in your head, or ideally, playing out loud George Michael’s “Freedom ‘90.”

George Michael's official music video for 'Freedom! '90'. Click to listen to George Michael on Spotify: http://smarturl.it/GeorgeMichaelSpotify?IQid=GMFree As featured on George Michael: Twenty Five.

Squiggle out your signature and say “Hello future! It’s great to see you! I look forward to the freedoms I will enjoy though I know it might be a hard road! But at least I’ve got air conditioning, gps and modern medicine, so already I’m sort of ahead of those forefathers and it worked out pretty ok for them!”

Unlike all those rom-coms that ingrain the belief that you need another person to complete you (Jerry Maguire even went so far as to make “you complete me” a catch phrase – UGH.) you’re going to do just fine on your own. You’re strong and capable and life is too short to while away in an unhappy marriage. A bunch of dudes got together and decided they wanted to be free, and to do so they had to declare war against a king. War! A king! That’s no small potatoes. All you have to do is call up a qualified lawyer such as myself. So let’s get going and let’s let freedom ring.

Happy Fourth, folks!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

The Five Stages of a Break-Up: The Playlist

Breakups are hard. Divorces, even the friendliest ones, can be like breakups on steroids.

That first love who broke up with you two weeks before prom – that hurt – badly. Now imagine she took your house or you have to see him every week when he picks up your kids who tell you about his new girlfriend “Kiki” who used to be their babysitter.

Luckily, there’s pop music to help guide us through the five stages of grief as defined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (the Kübler-Ross model — not just for death anymore!). Yes, that’s right. You can turn your pain into one epic musical reenactment.

Denial
This can’t possibly be happening. No Doubt’s Don’t Speak speaks to you on every level. Karen O’s pleading in the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ Maps hits you in the gut. Maybe this isn’t happening. Maybe this is all a terrible dream. Maybe we can fix this if we just ignore the situation for the rest of our lives. Maybe denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, maybe it’s a coping mechanism you’re using to keep from shattering into a million pieces.

Anger
Denial gives way to anger because who do they think they are dumping you? How dare they?! You howl along to Justin Timberlake’s Cry Me A River. You pogo to The Clash’s Train in Vain and pray no one ever, ever sees you dancing like this. You drink two gallons of wine and clear an entire karaoke place with your rendition of Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know. Sullen and alone you do The Supremes’ You Keep Me Hanging On as an encore. You try to hail a cab by bellowing Fiona Apple’s Criminal. No cabs stop for you. You cannot remember how you get home.

Bargaining
The hangover is bad. The anger has given way to desperation. Maybe they’ll take you back. Maybe there’s some sort of deal you can work out with the universe. Please Please Please, you beg along with The Smiths. Stay, you implore along with Lisa Loeb. When Can I See You, you blubber with Babyface. You force yourself out of the house. You look terrible.

Depression
You pick up take out. You see a familiar silhouette through the window at the bar on your corner. Only, it’s not one silhouette, it’s two. It can’t be. Oh you’d rather poke out your eyes than be witness to this. I’d Rather Go Blind by Etta James carries you home the rest of the way. You unpack your dinner. They gave you two forks. Two. Welcome to depression. You’re Crying with Roy Orbison. All Saints knows you’ve Never Ever felt so low. Blur knows there’s No Distance Left to Run. You Fall to Pieces with Patsy Cline. For your own safety you steer clear of more Smiths but can’t stay away from The Cure. You cry and cry listening to Pictures of You on repeat. During the first few bars of Roxette’s It Must Have Been Love, your neighbor knocks on your door to check that you’re alright. You promise them you’re ok but Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me begs to differ. You fall asleep to Love Is A Losing Game by Amy Winehouse.

Acceptance
Morning has broken. A sliver of light is peaking through the blinds. A new day has begun. You’re crawling out from under the depression/duvet and you feel almost alive again. You stand up. You feel the tiniest bit lighter. You stand up a little straighter. Katy Perry starts singing Roar and you think about putting on a flower crown, but it’s a Monday and you work in a bank not a beer stand at Coachella. You walk to the office. Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive echoes in your head. Charli XCX’s Breaking Up puts a spring in your step and you realize you’re better off without them.Your head is clearer. You want a sandwich. The journey is complete.*

**The journey will take longer than a weekend. The journey has been edited and condensed to give you hope that you won’t be miserable for six months to two years.**

**You may be miserable for six months to two years. The hope may be a lie.**

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Your Partner: The Narcissist

According to Greek myth, Narcissus was a handsome man who, upon catching a glimpse of himself in a pool of water, became obsessed with it and promptly drowned. The moral of that story–“Get over yourself”–is sure to be completely lost on narcissists, named after Narcissus for their intense and all-encompassing self-obsession; I’m sure you know one or two.

Beyond common usage, narcissism can refer to the very real, very specific Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or NPD). This is a mental disorder characterized by an overinflated sense of self-importance paired with a fragile ego. This is the person who criticizes you, but flies off the handle when you even gently suggest they have an area in which to improve. This is the person who needs constant validation and admiration. This is the person who lies to get what they want, including to gain other people’s attention and positive opinion. Sound like your partner?

Spotting a Narcissist
These are warning signs that you’re dealing with your garden-variety narcissist:

• He has an exaggerated sense of importance and entitlement.
• She’s abusive or patronizing to waiters, and blames it on having low blood sugar because she’s so hungry.
• He oversells his achievements in order to impress.
• She has unrealistic ideas about her own intelligence and/or beauty.
• He wants to be famous.
• He has bouts of depression, caused by feeling underappreciated or rejected by people who should respect him more.
• Swimsuit photos or gym photos on Instagram.
• An inordinate amount of selfies.

• She routinely selects friends who are less attractive than she is, so she can take a starring role in those relationships.
• She sees herself as an exception to basic rules of society, like not cutting people off in traffic, or not paying for anything.
• He fakes cancer.
• She fakes a pregnancy.
• He takes advantage of other people with no remorse..
• He can’t remember what’s happening with you. Your life events are not even on his radar.
• Envy and gossip are a big part of her general conversation.
• He buys you gifts on clearance and pretends he paid full price.
• She tells you how much she spends on gifts for you and other people.
• She gives you detailed accounts of her dreams, never clocking the look of polite boredom on your face.
• He creates dramatic moments of which he is the centerpiece, victim or hero.
• He has trouble enjoying and engaging in the happiness of others, for example at a wedding or when someone gets a promotion.
• Every conversation somehow turns into a conversation about him or her: his goals, her needs, his strengths, her complaints. They struggle not to talk about themselves.
• You find yourself rolling your eyes a lot.

Does any of this sound familiar? If this list rings a bell with you,

GET OUT NOW.

Why it’s horrendous to be married to this person:
Narcissistic tendencies affect a broad range of personal and interpersonal situations, including and perhaps particularly marriage. Generally people with NPD don’t seek treatment, and believe their problems–even if they continually run into the same problems over and over–are due to other people’s failings, including yours. This makes narcissists prone to cheating, conducting online affairs, and being abusive partners.

The bottom line is that narcissists don’t put the needs of others ahead of their own, making them ineffective at everything from sex to parenting. If what you’re saying can’t be reframed to be about them, they aren’t listening. They likely have unreasonable expectations of you, and they probably believe they deserve something amazing from a life partnership despite the fact that their main contribution to that partnership is bitching.

On the whole, you can expect your life to go thusly: Your narcissist will exhaust you in a cycle of emotional seduction and psychological abuse over many years, repeating the pattern until you’re so self-doubting that you can’t even consider leaving them. “I am the best you can expect to ever get,” is the relationship mode of the narcissist. “Help me, love me, admire me, need me, respect me, desire me, thank me”—these are the endless demands, voiced or unvoiced, of a narcissistic partner. Unless you’re Kimye, you don’t deserve to spend the rest of your days feeding that monster. I want to help you get the hell out, while maintaining your assets and what’s left of your dignity.

The truth is, I enjoy taking narcissists down. I’m like a superhero of sorts, with the superpower of being completely unaffected by your partner’s emotional manipulation because I have seen it all before, and I am going to help you win your divorce.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

New York Abandons Unique Form of Torture Previously Imposed on Law School Graduates

Did you hear about this recent New York state law change this week?

New York is going to adopt a uniform bar exam used in 15 other states. I think the full headline of the article should actually have been “New York Abandon’s Unique Form of Torture Previously Imposed Upon Recent Law School Survivors – Students Rejoice – Therapists Cry Foul!

I remember, with great nostalgia, spending hours in my local Starbucks studying the intricacies of New York State Corporation Laws and obscure state specific contract issues while my friends who had gone into investment banking were busy enjoying their mid-20’s.  I knew I was going to be a divorce lawyer the day I started law school and, thus, it added insult to injury (having already suffering the indignities of the required “Federal Income Taxation” class at Fordham Law School) knowing I only needed to remember this drivel long enough to regurgitate it onto the final exam never to access it again in my chosen profession).

The uniform bar exam is more a function of attempting to “streamline” the test so that it’s easier to grade and easier to administer on a computer.

But to be fair (and candid) the bar exam is just the last in a series of hurdles they make you jump so you can put “ESQ” after your last time.  By the time you get to it – you’ve jumped so many you don’t care anymore.  I sincerely think you could make the final three months of law school the same as an episode of “Fear Factor” and 99.9% of students would have the most bored expression on their faces while chomping on bull testicles in a vat of spiders.  The whole experience of law school is designed to see how badly you want it.  Virtually nothing you learn is of any practical use in the day-to-day practice of law.

I applaud the change to the new exam (although I still think they should consider the alternative I’ve suggested).  It would be far more fun to watch and potentially less traumatic than the current bar exam format. I live two blocks from the Javitz center (where I took the bar exam 14 years ago) and still walk three blocks out of my way when heading uptown so I don’t have to walk past it.  I’ve got the same PTSD most recovering law students suffer from.  I spent two days in that center wondering if the three years prior would just be a waste because I couldn’t remember, at a specific moment in time, how to apply obscure property concepts to a question that may or may not implicate admiralty law issues.

And people ask me why I can’t go to a car show there…..

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Spring Clean Your Crappy Life

In my capacity as your friendly neighborhood divorce attorney, I just want to extend my encouragement and support as we all emerge from the depths of winter and our collective sweatpants phase, into the light of day! Spring is now fully upon us, and excuses have run out for not getting our proverbial sh*t together. In the spirit of Spring renewal and fresh beginnings, I offer you the following.

You’re not fat, you’re just well-rested.

Much like the bears of the forest, you have had a nice long rest during the winter months, and you have grown extra cuddly in the process. Drag yourself out of the cave, my friend, and onto a treadmill.

“Snooze” is only okay the first three times.

Short winter days make it nigh impossible to get out of bed before 9 am, but those dark times are gone. Try setting the alarm for 7, or maybe even 6! Have a power shake for breakfast! Do a sit-up! But whatever you do, do not hit snooze again.

Get a mentor, role model or anyone else you can annoy with admiration and mild stalking.*

My first suggestion for a role model for anyone is always Gwyneth Paltrow, especially if you need inspiration in the form of expensive candles or "conscious" anything. Failing that, I recommend your mailman and/or your high school gym teacher.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, (WO)MAN!

Clean behind the toilet. Brush your hair. I don’t think I need to explain this one. You know who you are.

Get divorced!

This is where I come in. Frankly I’m more productive now than any other time of the year, so you should really get in there while the getting’s good. And as we all know, spring is the best season to get divorced; you’ll have the whole summer to get over it before next year’s winter self-reflection period comes around.

Let’s face it, your life could be a lot less crappy. I urge you to move forward and into spring with a spring (heh) in your step! Sweep out the cobwebs, folks, and with them, your crappy spouse.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

*Fine print: Stalking is not something I seriously advise. I stand by everything else.

We're All Dying Anyway (or Happy World Health Day)!

It’s come to my attention that it’s World Health Day, so I thought it an appropriate time to deliver some uplifting pointers on what your bad marriage is doing to your health. Surprisingly, it turns out that regular fighting, deep-seated resentment and constant criticism are not good for your mind or body. Who knew?

I’ll give fair warning that these stats and what I say about them might make you uncomfortable. However, in my role as your friendly neighborhood divorce attorney, I feel it’s my duty to bring some harsh home truths.

Health Fact #1: Your crappy marriage is damaging your actual heart. In an ironic twist of fate, your marriage (since you spend so much of it stressed out and/or angry at yourself, your partner and probably the world) is literally increasing your risk of heart disease. If you don’t believe me, ask these doctors.

Health Fact #2: Every time you fight, your immune system goes on vacation. These guys found that for a full 24 hours after your biweekly spousal brawl, not only do your neighbors hate you but so does your body. As punishment, it stops fighting off diseases normally. That’s not allergies, folks, that’s your crappy marriage.

Health Fact #3: A bad marriage means oozing wounds. Wondering why you still have that giant zombie cold sore after two weeks of plastering on the Abreva? Thank your herpes and your horrible marriage. This study found that bodily wounds of couples who frequently argue take longer to heal, and also, your herpes is going show itself more often.

Health Fact #4: Women have it worse. This study found that for women, especially women “of a certain age”, the ill effects of a bad marriage on the heart are intensified, having an equivalent effect to being a smoker or being physically inactive. So in addition to his farting and mansplaining, you now also have to deal with the fact that he’s healthier than you. The bastard.

Health Fact #5: You’re no fun anymore. This study found that people in conflict-ridden marriages are more likely to suffer from depressive symptoms and be diagnosed with depression.

Health Fact #6: A bad marriage makes you fat. By far the most horrifying health effect of all, high marital stress is linked to higher levels of cortisol (thus greater likelihood of being overweight), and this study finds a positive correlation between high stress and a lesser ability to metabolize fats. Relatedly, you’re more likely to become diabetic. And don’t bother trying to diet: this study found that people in bad marriages are less likely to stay on health and fitness plans, so it’ll get you either way.

Fortunately there’s a silver lining to this cloud, which is that none of it really matters. 100% of science agrees that no matter what you do, you’re going to die anyway.

Happy World Health Day, everyone!

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton