'Til Conscious Uncoupling Do Us Part

Around this time last year, I tuned into celebrity gossip for a brief moment when I heard about Gwyneth Paltrow’s grave announcement that she and her husband were divorcing—or to put it more Gwyneth-ly, “consciously uncoupling.” She released a statement about this, along with an explanation of conscious uncoupling from a guru, on her website Goop. This was put alongside equally realistic Goop items, like her exploration of the healing powers of “moon juice” and “spirit truffles.” (Surely those aren’t included in the “food stamp challenge” she recently attempted. Hey, at least we're talking about it... But, I digress.)

By the end of the day I received phone calls and emails from, literally, dozens of my friends and family members asking if I had heard about this “new” way of divorcing. It was difficult to suppress the combination yawn/gag inspired by Ms. Paltrow’s missive.

I’ve devoted my life’s work to helping couples, eh, “uncouple,” so absolutely no judgment from me on that front. Divorces for everyone! You will get no complaints from me. Though I did have to raise an eyebrow at the statement “We have always conducted our relationship privately”; indeed, so privately that Goop.com got so much traffic after this was posted that it crashed! Well played, Gwyneth P.

In all seriousness, I’m sure Gwyneth Paltrow is a perfectly likable person in real life, and probably even a regular human woman, rather than a floating ethereal aura. Her brand has done well, and maybe she really has brought happiness to many, through her outreach via expensive candles. And if renaming divorce makes us feel better, then so be it. (I should possibly add a “Conscious Uncoupling” section to my website.)

The idea of a ‘friendly divorce’ has been around for a long time. My firm gets a lot of press for our “take no prisoners” aggressive approach when the situation requires it - but we resolve countless divorces each year by simple discussions and friendly negotiations. I love a good fight (what can I say - it’s a side effect of being good at fighting) but I love a happy client more. That’s why I, and all good divorce lawyers, will always work hard to give you a divorce that looks more like a “conscious uncoupling” than a “War of the Roses”. We’ve been doing that for years. There’s nothing “new” about being friendly to someone you’re going to have to see at your children’s weddings someday. This is simply a new term for a very old concept (and GP didn’t come up with it - a therapist named Katherine Woodward Thomas did - a bunch of years earlier).

I feel I need to say, though, that one of the things I have learned in my particular line of work is that uncoupling is not generally done while anyone is unconscious. For legal reasons I think it’s important for everyone to understand this--you can’t divorce anyone who is unconscious so congratulations - You, too, have reached the G.P. level of sophistication we all previously thought was impossible.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Spring Clean Your Crappy Life

In my capacity as your friendly neighborhood divorce attorney, I just want to extend my encouragement and support as we all emerge from the depths of winter and our collective sweatpants phase, into the light of day! Spring is now fully upon us, and excuses have run out for not getting our proverbial sh*t together. In the spirit of Spring renewal and fresh beginnings, I offer you the following.

You’re not fat, you’re just well-rested.

Much like the bears of the forest, you have had a nice long rest during the winter months, and you have grown extra cuddly in the process. Drag yourself out of the cave, my friend, and onto a treadmill.

“Snooze” is only okay the first three times.

Short winter days make it nigh impossible to get out of bed before 9 am, but those dark times are gone. Try setting the alarm for 7, or maybe even 6! Have a power shake for breakfast! Do a sit-up! But whatever you do, do not hit snooze again.

Get a mentor, role model or anyone else you can annoy with admiration and mild stalking.*

My first suggestion for a role model for anyone is always Gwyneth Paltrow, especially if you need inspiration in the form of expensive candles or "conscious" anything. Failing that, I recommend your mailman and/or your high school gym teacher.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, (WO)MAN!

Clean behind the toilet. Brush your hair. I don’t think I need to explain this one. You know who you are.

Get divorced!

This is where I come in. Frankly I’m more productive now than any other time of the year, so you should really get in there while the getting’s good. And as we all know, spring is the best season to get divorced; you’ll have the whole summer to get over it before next year’s winter self-reflection period comes around.

Let’s face it, your life could be a lot less crappy. I urge you to move forward and into spring with a spring (heh) in your step! Sweep out the cobwebs, folks, and with them, your crappy spouse.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

*Fine print: Stalking is not something I seriously advise. I stand by everything else.

Get Divorced Like a Real Housewife

As I’m sure you already know, the seventh season of the masterpiece Real Housewives of New York (#RHONY to those in the know) premieres this evening on Bravo.

Perhaps it surprises you that this is one of my favorite shows. Hardly a guilty pleasure, I have watched Real Housewives for five glorious years of pinot-drinking, catfighting madness. It bespeaks my values with gems like “I was so mad I almost ran her down in my Ferrari” and “I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now.” Oh, and classic wisdom: “You work hard, you give a lot of love, and you end up at the White House.” Words to live by.

The Real Housewives have also done their part to keep my industry afloat, with a whopping 33% of the couples on the show getting divorced, and no end in sight. And they do it with style - if you think you’ve got divorce figured out, you don’t. The RHONY wives are the people you want to take notes from. Here’s how to get divorced like they do.*

1. Leading up to your divorce, air your dirty laundry to anybody who will listen.

2. Get plastic surgery as a coping mechanism.

3. Get drunk, get loud, and storm out of a restaurant.

4. Put on a lot of mascara and then cry on someone’s shirt.

5. Go to a club.

6. Go to the Hamptons to blow off steam. Throw something at someone there.

7. Date someone old (with money).

8. Date someone fat (with money).

9. Date someone who doesn’t have money and then giggle about it over cocktails.

10. After your divorce, write a book in which you air your dirty laundry to anybody who will read it.

11. Go to a club.

12. Develop adult-onset asthma so that people will pay attention to you.

13. Be loudly and self-righteously offended AT ANYONE AT ANY TIME. It’s your right.

14. Sue someone for a book they’re writing that makes allusions to your dirty laundry.

15. Have a lot of “turtle time”.*

16. Make up a catch phrase that doesn’t work, because you’re middle-aged.

17. Tell people to “be cool.”

18. Go to a club.

19. Flirt inappropriately.

20. Consider having another baby.

Right, time for me to break out the Kit Kats and SkinnyGirl Sweet’Rita, RHONY is waiting. Mazel tov.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

We're All Dying Anyway (or Happy World Health Day)!

It’s come to my attention that it’s World Health Day, so I thought it an appropriate time to deliver some uplifting pointers on what your bad marriage is doing to your health. Surprisingly, it turns out that regular fighting, deep-seated resentment and constant criticism are not good for your mind or body. Who knew?

I’ll give fair warning that these stats and what I say about them might make you uncomfortable. However, in my role as your friendly neighborhood divorce attorney, I feel it’s my duty to bring some harsh home truths.

Health Fact #1: Your crappy marriage is damaging your actual heart. In an ironic twist of fate, your marriage (since you spend so much of it stressed out and/or angry at yourself, your partner and probably the world) is literally increasing your risk of heart disease. If you don’t believe me, ask these doctors.

Health Fact #2: Every time you fight, your immune system goes on vacation. These guys found that for a full 24 hours after your biweekly spousal brawl, not only do your neighbors hate you but so does your body. As punishment, it stops fighting off diseases normally. That’s not allergies, folks, that’s your crappy marriage.

Health Fact #3: A bad marriage means oozing wounds. Wondering why you still have that giant zombie cold sore after two weeks of plastering on the Abreva? Thank your herpes and your horrible marriage. This study found that bodily wounds of couples who frequently argue take longer to heal, and also, your herpes is going show itself more often.

Health Fact #4: Women have it worse. This study found that for women, especially women “of a certain age”, the ill effects of a bad marriage on the heart are intensified, having an equivalent effect to being a smoker or being physically inactive. So in addition to his farting and mansplaining, you now also have to deal with the fact that he’s healthier than you. The bastard.

Health Fact #5: You’re no fun anymore. This study found that people in conflict-ridden marriages are more likely to suffer from depressive symptoms and be diagnosed with depression.

Health Fact #6: A bad marriage makes you fat. By far the most horrifying health effect of all, high marital stress is linked to higher levels of cortisol (thus greater likelihood of being overweight), and this study finds a positive correlation between high stress and a lesser ability to metabolize fats. Relatedly, you’re more likely to become diabetic. And don’t bother trying to diet: this study found that people in bad marriages are less likely to stay on health and fitness plans, so it’ll get you either way.

Fortunately there’s a silver lining to this cloud, which is that none of it really matters. 100% of science agrees that no matter what you do, you’re going to die anyway.

Happy World Health Day, everyone!

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton