5 Tips For Co-Parenting

I saw my first Christmas commercial this morning, which can only mean one thing: summer is officially over (ok, two things: and America has a serious consumerism problem). With the back-to-school season officially upon us, a whole host of newly divorced couples are taking their maiden voyage into co-parenting. This can be a tricky transition but the following tips will help you sail along in smoother waters.

Go Hi-Tech with Your Scheduling.
The real key to a seamless schedule is lots and lots of organization. Trying to juggle everyone’s appointments is hard enough when you’re all living under one roof, so balancing activities, splitting time between homes and coordinating custody drop-offs can be a real doozy. The best thing to do is set up what I call a “living calendar.” There are tons of apps and software out there, fiddle around with a few and find which works best for your family. Then set up access for everyone in the family including step-parents or other guardians and caregivers that help with the kids (also include the kids when they’re tech literate enough). Have a color code for each person and have everyone plug in their schedules, and update changes as soon as they happen.

Once everything is set up, you can start every day knowing exactly who is picking up the kids, where they’re staying and who is getting them there. Seeing everything laid out in front of you can really aid in creating a sense of calm and consistency for everyone, especially the kids.

Check-In Regularly.
If you and your ex-spouse are on good enough terms, schedule weekly or monthly catch-up meetings to just get a lay of the land. Use this time to go over any big developments in the kids’ lives, behavioral issues, any overlapping budget concerns and any other topics you see fit. You’re already a well-oiled machine with your living calendar, but some things are better discussed in person. Plus, having consistent meetings will keep the lines of communication open. Again, this is important in creating a sense of calm and consistency for everyone, especially the kids.

Communicate Directly.
Don’t ever use your kids as the messenger or the go-between. They’re not your personal assistants and using them in that way can cause them anxiety and stress where there needn’t be any. Figure out the best method of communication for your situation. Things still a little raw and wrought with emotion? Maybe texting or emailing is best for you. Keep conversations about the kids only, and don’t let your past issues bubble up. Think of your ex-spouse as a colleague. You’re now co-CEOs of your family, so behave as you would at work, meaning keep emotion out of it. Be pleasant and everything, but keep things all business and only about the kids. It may feel odd and fake at first but you may find yourself easing into more casual and comfortable communications eventually… and even if you don’t, you’ll steer clear of the emotional meltdowns.

Compromise! 
Now is not the time to be petty and selfish. You wanted out of that marriage, and you got it, bully for you! Now you both have to focus your energies on your children and trying to make this transition as smooth as possible. Now is not the time to squabble over 15 extra holiday minutes nor is it time to get passive aggressive about lenient “homework in front of the TV” rules. Meet in the middle and pick your battles. While the marriage ship has sailed, you’re in this parenting thing together, for the rest of your lives and I don’t have to tell you that’s the most important role you and your ex-partner will play.

Cultivate Relationsips, Don’t Compare.
A friend once gave me really great advice. He said, “Keep your eyes on your own paper.” I wasn’t cheating off him in math class at the time. What he meant was, focus on your own stuff. Don’t get wrapped up comparing yourself to others. Stay in your own lane and you do you. This is really good advice for co-parenting as well. Focus on the relationship between you and your kids. Don’t waste time comparing yourself to the other parent by questioning who is doing the better job or which parent the kids like more. The time your kids spend at home is a short season, so try to make the most of it. In a blink they’ll be heading off to school and/or into the real world so cherish every minute and know that if you’re doing right by them, none of this “popular parent” stuff matters anyway.

Do you have any co-parenting tips for your fellow parents? Share them with us and we’ll  share them!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Gain Some Willpower & Avoid Backslide With These Handy Apps

Often the hardest part a divorce is the final step. No, not signing the papers. The real final step is avoiding the backslide. You’ve made your decision, moved out of the house, got a lawyer, had some papers drawn up and you’re ready to embark on your new life. Ahead lies freedom and independence and you’re feeling good. And wait, what’s that now? You’re more than a little tipsy at 3am. And you think it’s a great idea to call Sheila and slur/shout that you’ve made a huge mistake and “Please, please, please, Sheila give me my keys back, I swear it will all be different this time?”

Get it together, Kevin. 3pm you is going to hate 3am you. You don’t want Sheila back. You think you do right now, but you definitely don’t in the long run. Thankfully Kevin and the rest of us live in the modern age and there are tons of helpful tools out there, literally at our fingertips, to keep us strong and far away from the backslide.  

Killswitch cleans up Facebook accounts, erasing an ex from an app user’s FB life including, and arguably most importantly, wiping all pictures the user and ex are tagged in together.

How can this help you, Kevin?

Getting ready for bed, doing your last scrolls you will not “accidentally” stumble upon that picture of you and Sheila in Turks and Caicos. You won’t spend hours flipping through the thirty-one photos from that MLK Day weekend trip back when you loved each other and everything was new. You will not then decide to “just see what Sheila’s up to” hoping her privacy settings are pretty loose ever since you guys defriended each other. You will not see a picture of Sheila looking happy and tan from two weeks ago with her arm around some guy on a beach. You will not start wondering is that Turks and Caicos? Did she take that spitball to your Turks and Caicos? How could she? How could she throw everything you had out the window and defile your love and memories with some jerk in a pair of aviator sunglasses? Did she take him to the boozy brunch place with the good crab cakes? Your crab cakes? You won’t then spiral, turn on Adele and cry for the next thirty-six hours because you used Killswitch.

GAIN SOME WILLPOWER AND AVOID THE BACKSLIDE WITH THESE HANDY APPS

James J. Sexton, Esq. | September 1, 2015 | Divorce & Separation | No Comments

Often the hardest part a divorce is the final step. No, not signing the papers. The real final step is avoiding the backslide. You’ve made your decision, moved out of the house, got a lawyer, had some papers drawn up and you’re ready to embark on your new life. Ahead lies freedom and independence and you’re feeling good. And wait, what’s that now? You’re more than a little tipsy at 3am. And you think it’s a great idea to call Sheila and slur/shout that you’ve made a huge mistake and “Please, please, please, Sheila give me my keys back, I swear it will all be different this time?”

Get it together, Kevin. 3pm you is going to hate 3am you. You don’t want Sheila back. You think you do right now, but you definitely don’t in the long run. Thankfully Kevin and the rest of us live in the modern age and there are tons of helpful tools out there, literally at our fingertips, to keep us strong and far away from the backslide.  

Killswitch cleans up Facebook accounts, erasing an ex from an app user’s FB life including, and arguably most importantly, wiping all pictures the user and ex are tagged in together.

How can this help you, Kevin?

Getting ready for bed, doing your last scrolls you will not “accidentally” stumble upon that picture of you and Sheila in Turks and Caicos. You won’t spend hours flipping through the thirty-one photos from that MLK Day weekend trip back when you loved each other and everything was new. You will not then decide to “just see what Sheila’s up to” hoping her privacy settings are pretty loose ever since you guys defriended each other. You will not see a picture of Sheila looking happy and tan from two weeks ago with her arm around some guy on a beach. You will not start wondering is that Turks and Caicos? Did she take that spitball to your Turks and Caicos? How could she? How could she throw everything you had out the window and defile your love and memories with some jerk in a pair of aviator sunglasses? Did she take him to the boozy brunch place with the good crab cakes? Your crab cakes? You won’t then spiral, turn on Adele and cry for the next thirty-six hours because you used Killswitch.

Designated Dialer grants users the forethought they do not possess on their own. Before heading out for a night on the town, a user picks contacts he or she definitely does not want to call drunk later. If they try, they’re forwarded to a toll-free number that reminds the user calling that person is an awful idea. They can then unlock the contacts later when they’ve got better decision making capabilities and can pass a coordination test.

How can this help you, Kevin?

You’re at a bar on a Tuesday night after a really crappy day at work and wouldn’t you know it Bay City Rollers’ “I Only Want to Be with You” comes on. Sheila’s go-to karaoke song! What are the odds? A minute in you’re weeping so hard you have to sit down. God Sheila, it’s crazy but it’s true, I only want to be with you, you think/scream/cry. Or at least that’s what you feel right now in this exact moment when you’re tired and hungry and a little lonely because you went on a really terrible first date last night. You’re trying to remember why things got so bad with Sheila and while the list is long and reasonable you can’t quite remember even one thing on that list. You’ve also had about a lake’s worth of beer. You pull out your phone and you dial Sheila. But you don’t get Sheila. You get Designated Dialer. Then you get a burrito and eat it in bed and you remember how much Sheila hated your bed burritos and you know what good riddance Sheila.

Never Liked It Anyway is perfect for anyone looking to make a quick buck off a broken relationship. The site lets users buy and sell gifts and other ex memorabilia with great listings that explain why a user is selling an item and what they’d do with the money when someone purchases it.

How can this help you, Kevin?

Sheila had terrible taste. Don’t get me wrong, she had a lot of good qualities, and has so much to offer the world. She’s gonna make some guy, some guy who is not you, really happy one day. In the meantime you’ve got a pile of Sheila gifts sitting in your hall closet. Gaudy watches and flashy silk shirts galore. Who exactly was she dressing? How long have you had those sweatpants? Since high school? How often do you wear them? Always? That’s what I thought. You have no need for these confusingly expensive and very not you items. You could donate them sure. But when you left Sheila you also left her salary… And you’ve always had an entrepreneurial spirit but Ebay confuses you. Good thing you’ve got Never Liked It Anyway. You can pool your earnings and buy forty to fifty new pairs of sweatpants.

Then, of course there’s Tinder for your rebounds and Snapchat for your nudes, but you already knew that, didn’t you Kevin? Go on, get out there Kev. Start your new life full of independence and free from the backslide.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Social Media & Your Divorce (Infographic)

Technology changes by the minute which makes it tough to keep up with social media best practices. It’s worth your while, though, especially if you’re going through a divorce (or thinking about one). Here are some tips to keep in mind: 

Six Ideas For an Awesome Divorce Party

In recent years the idea of having a “divorce party” has come into fashion, so I thought I’d give my two cents on the subject.

First of all, what is a Divorce Party? While it seems that perhaps divorce is something sad, in fact a large number of the newly divorced are finding it a worthwhile reason to go out with their friends and get totally empowered. We’re talking empowered to the point at which it’s difficult to walk in a straight line or even stand up.

While the divorce party can apparently take many forms, universally among internet websites about divorce parties it’s said to be a cathartic experience, in which the newly divorced are so distracted from their pain by the presence of strippers, cake, and/or the song “Survivor” playing in the background, that the pain feels—at least momentarily—expunged.

The aptly-named DivorcePartyIdeas.com suggests getting oneself a divorce party theme such as “Butterfly” (to emphasise transformation), “Naughty Girl” (to highlight freedom from marital monogamy) or “Lemons” (to emphasize one’s ability to, as they say, make lemonade). I would here like to present some alternative options.

1. Jaws. 
A Jaws-themed divorce party is sure to excite, while also reminding you and your guests that, while you may have just suffered a huge grief-inducing loss, it could be worse: you could have had your arm chewed off by a giant mechanical shark.

2. Brownies and Beer. 
This theme involves people showing their support in the form of alcohol, baked goods, and a total absence of conversation about anything health- or fitness-related for the duration.

3. Sweatpants.
The sweatpants theme provides a dress code for you and your guests that smacks of comfort, relaxation, and post-divorce rest. It also saves you from having to change out of your current uniform.

4. Therapy Fundraiser.
A useful alternative to drinking your life savings away, the Therapy Fundraiser gives your friends the opportunity to show they care about your long-term mental health by donating to your Therapy Fund.

5. Go to Las Vegas.
Less a theme than a directive, this needs very little explanation, I would think, as Vegas itself is essentially one giant divorce party. The main drawback of going to Vegas to celebrate your divorce is that you do run the risk of celebrating yourself right back into marriage if you’re not careful, but this time with a relative stranger or, worse, a good friend. If this happens, call me.

6. Go Away, I’m Depressed.

The most honest of divorce party themes, this is for those who don’t actually want to have a divorce party at all, but have been harangued into it by their well-meaning yet clueless friends.

As your friendly neighborhood divorce attorney, I’ll add the disclaimer here that, whatever the theme of your divorce party, it’s probably best to wait until your divorce is signed and sealed before you celebrate. It’s also worth saying that for this particular occasion you might be safest to avoid filming, photographing, and/or drunk texting at whatever cost.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton