How to Have a Kickass Divorced Valentine's Day

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s Valentine’s Day.

Not because I’m bitter. Not because I’m secretly a twenty-two-year-old single girl obsessed with Sex and the City. Not even because it’s a holiday co-opted by greeting card companies and chocolatiers, used to manipulate happy people into feeling guilty enough to spend money on things nobody needs, and for people to feel insecure enough to pressure their significant others into buying them things nobody needs, so they can create vignettes for Instagram to show the world their husbands love them the most.

It’s not even because everything in the store is suddenly and irretrievably pink and covered in glitter—pink, the patron color of all Valentine’s Day crap, glitter the patron craft supply of the devil. The entirety of the CVS looks like it’s been doused in Pepto Bismol and blood spatter. I go in to buy a toothbrush and spend the next three days picking tiny pieces of sparkle off my clothes, my car, my skin and my dogs. And yet even that is not the source of my Valentine’s Day angst.

The reason I hate Valentine’s Day is because I’m divorced and I’m a divorce lawyer. I’ve seen just how wrong love can go. And on this particular holiday, knowing how the sausage is made is much the same as being sober at a nightclub. Without the rosy haze of a buzz, you are up close and personal with the reality of the sweaty people, the sticky floor, the smelly DJ and the watered-down drinks, seeing them all for what they really are: gross. Such is Valentine’s Day.

Don’t get me wrong: love is great. Relationships are great. Marriage is great–it keeps me in a job. But Valentine’s Day is a rosy haze covering up a lot of gross.

So, I thought I’d better make a few suggestions for the recently dumped, new divorcees and anyone else who has seen behind the curtain where the great and powerful Valentine Oz is just a greedy Hallmark executive, to assist you in moving on from the old, tired traditions of this super-pink holiday into a new phase I like to call “the Kickass version of Valentine’s Day.”

Here are the components. If you’re as disillusioned with those crappy, chalky conversation hearts as I am (who decided this was a worthwhile candy item??) it might just cheer you right up.

What to Do:

1. Pinch anyone who wears the colors pink or red. A satisfying twist on the St. Patrick’s Day tradition, this lets you get your frustrations out on people who deserve it, people who celebrate holidays far too enthusiastically.
2. Refuse pity Valentines. Say it’s on ethical grounds, because you believe greeting cards are a flagrant waste of paper. On top of how they offended you, the giver will now also feel bad for murdering trees.
3. Give statistics instead of valentines. When people brag about their Valentine’s Day plans, remind them that there is an 89% chance that their current relationship is going to end, so it’s good that they’re enjoying it while they can.
4. Prank the ones you love. Send your significant other a text message like “I haven’t been fully honest with you,” and then don’t say anything else for an hour. Tell them later you were just kidding. Call me if needed.
5. Get a prenup. It’s something you should do anyway, and you can still do it even if you’re already married. Plus, the irony is just brilliant—your divorce attorney will be very impressed with you.
6. Be progressive. When people wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day, ask you about your plans or brag about theirs, look amused and say, “You still do Valentine’s Day? I thought only our parents’ generation did that.” This works best if you’re under forty and cool (I’m neither).
7. Eat your heart out. The original Valentine’s Day—as in, the one that St. Valentine actually had anything to do with—was a feast day. In all seriousness, cook, eat, be merry, and share good food with good people. It’s a failsafe way to suck-proof your Valentine’s Day.

So, that’s it. I’m not even going to pretend to care if you have romantical plans with your significant other this Valentine’s Day, because I don’t.

Avoid my Valentine’s Day advice at your peril. And let me know what you think of all this on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Love in the Year of the Monkey

Happy Lunar New Year! Welcome to the year of the monkey. If you’re not aware, each year in the Chinese calendar is assigned one of twelve animals and the babies of 2016 are going to be curious, clever and mischievous little monkeys. All around the world, Chinese people will celebrate the new year with parades, fireworks, family visits and breathtaking Lantern Festivals. If you’ve been lucky enough to witness the new year celebrations in New York’s Chinatown, you know it’s a feast for the eyes, and for the stomach.

You too are a monkey if you were born in 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992 or 2004, and you’re in good company. Some famous monkeys? Well there’s Julius Caesar and Demi Lovato to name two very, very different monkeys. Much like the astrology you might be familiar with thanks to your daily amNewYork and your obsession with Susan Miller, the Chinese zodiac also subscribes to the notion that people born under the same sign share certain characteristics, and some signs get along better than others.

Are you a monkey? Are you in a relationship with a monkey? Are you considering marrying one of the 2016 monkeys in 2034? Well that’s horrifying, date someone your own age! Unless you’re a two year old reading this. In which case I have so many questions. Like: How? And, are you a government experiment? And, are you now on the lam in order to save yourself from a lifetime of observation and testing? Also, how’s my grammar, genius baby?

Let’s take a look at all the Chinese zodiac animals, and see where love will blossom …

SNAKE – Born 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001

No one’s jonesing to be called a snake, but according to the Chinese zodiac, being a snake is where it’s at. Snakes are decisive, organized, intuitive and ~elegant~. It’s no wonder Taylor Swift is a snake, am I right? Have you seen how organized her hair is? Even after the gym? Should snakes and monkeys get together? Um, I don’t know do you think Taylor Swift (snake) and Jake Gyllenhaal (monkey) were a good pair? They were not. She left her scarf at Jake’s sister’s house and that led to a breakup and then Taylor wrote “All Too Well” about him. Or so I overheard from several tweens in line ahead of me at Starbucks. So no, I would not say snake and monkey is a good pairing unless you want to get your heart broken and then become a very rich popstar off the heartbreak. Dump that monkey and get yourself a rooster. Is Calvin Harris a rooster? He is not, Taylor. He is not. Hint, hint.

HORSE – Born 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002

Horses, much like actual horses, are adventurous, strong and adaptable. They make great partners and can jump over tall fences. Horses and monkeys get along fine, but they’re not a perfect match. If you really want to ride off into the sunset (get it? You get it.) horses should look for tigers. I would not recommend horses, the animal and tigers, the animal get together in real life though. Also, definitely do not google “would a tiger attack a horse?” because it would and you don’t need the image I now have burned into my brain forever, in your brain as well. Why is the circle of life so very cruel?

GOAT/SHEEP– Born 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003

To be fair, from a distance, could you tell the difference between a goat and a sheep? Even from close up, I’m not totally confident I could, so I don’t blame the Chinese zodiac for not nailing an animal down for this one. Also apparently goats and sheep can have babies together so googling things doesn’t always end in a horrible blood bath. They’re called “geep” because no one wanted to spend more than one second brainstorming the name. Goats/sheep are warm, sensitive and calm, much like Ugg boots. Again, getting together with a monkey wouldn’t be a terrible mistake, but is it going to fireworks and rainbows? Probably not. Goats/sheep should be on the lookout for rabbits, pigs or horses. Basically, keep it on the farm and love will find its way.  

MONKEY – Born 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992,  2004

Monkeys are clever, creative, curious and the stars of 2016. They need action and adventure and get bored pretty quickly. They might not be into a ten part documentary on Netflix, but they’d be really up for breaking into the abandoned house in the sketchy part of town where someone definitely got murdered in the 80s, or so says the legend. Their best matches are dragons and rats.

ROOSTER – Born 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005

Roosters are energetic, flamboyant and confident. You know, like actual roosters. They’re also very honest, as I know a barnyard rooster would tell you if you looked fat in your overalls, given the ability to speak. Roosters need a good match to balance out their dominant personalities. In addition to snakes like Taylor Swift, oxen and dragons make for a good match.

DOG – Born 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006

Oh man, what luck to be born a dog, arguably the best actual animal and the best zodiac animal. Dogs are, not shockingly, loyal, courageous, diligent and lively. Dogs need a loving match for their overflowing puppy hearts. Tigers and dogs get along great because they’re both laid back and share the same styles of communication. I’m sure I’m not alone in wondering, is that my dog growling at an imaginary squirrel or did an actual roaring tiger break into my house, because for the love of god so what if there’s a squirrel in the yard, who cares, just chill out.

PIG – Born 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007

Pigs are determined, sincere and sociable. They know how to both plan a party, and be the star of it. Should pigs and monkeys get together? Have you ever seen a pig and a monkey together?

Ok, but other than that? No you haven’t. Pigs and monkeys don’t really hang out in nature and they do not make a good love match. This isn’t just a blah relationship, this is heck no don’t date that monkey, you pig. You want a rabbit or a goat/sheep, little pig, that’s where love will flourish.

RAT – Born 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008

Historically, rats have a bad reputation what with spreading the bubonic plague and infesting homes. But they really turned their PR around last year when one tenacious, progressive reformer dared to drag a piece of pizza down a set of subway stairs. Sure one viral rat can’t completely wash away the sins of all the, um, actually viral rats that came before him, but man did he try. But we’re not talking about real rats, we’re talking about zodiac rats. Some of my favorite people are rats, and by “my favorite people,” I mean me. Yes, I’m a rat and a divorce lawyer. I’ll wait while you workshop some jokes and go giddy with pride. Pleased with yourself? Great. Rats are characterized as charming, adaptable and artistic. Are you imagining a rat in a beret with a paint palette? Me too. Now, should a monkey and a rat get together? Yes! They’re actually the best pair!

OX – Born 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009

Oxen are strong, reasonable and determined. Their shy nature might make it hard to meet people but once they open up, their loyalty cannot be shaken. And while they might not be the one wearing a lampshade on their head and dancing on a table at a party, they’re also less likely to rack up a ton of credit card debt and disappear into the night. An ox’s best match is a chatty, gregarious rooster because they balance each other out really well.

TIGER – Born 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010

Tigers are courageous, ambitious and confident much like their real world counterparts. They pair best with horses and dogs while they get along worst with monkeys. Why? Because tigers and monkeys are too much alike. Both want to be the star of the show and there are only so many good karaoke duets.

RABBIT – Born 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011

Rabbits are empathetic, diplomatic and sincere. Plus they’re so cute. Rabbits are really into family which makes sense seeing as the typical rabbit household has two hundred bunnies. Rabbits should steer clear of roosters. Roosters are a terrible match because they have a tendency to pick at soft bunny fur, metaphorically. Roosters can be too harsh and rabbits need a gentler partner, like a goat/sheep or pig.

DRAGON – Born 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012

Dragons are imaginative, artistic and charismatic. They’re stereotypically loners, what with living in caves and the hazards associated with fire breathing. Dragons can be a little hard to get along with as it’s often their way or the highway (see: fire breathing) so they need a dynamic partner to match that strength. Who is that perfect partner? Why the monkey of course!

Were you and your ex-spouse a terrible zodiac pair? Did you defy the odds and create a wonderful pig and monkey marriage? Do you think Calvin Harris is the one for Taylor? Let me know in the comments below, on Twitter, or on Facebook!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

The 6 Worst Divorces in the NFL

No doubt you’re all stocked up on beer and cocktail weenies, and have plans with 45 of your nearest and dearest for Super Bowl 50.

As part of my own Super Bowl fun (and ongoing examination of our other national pastime, divorce), I’ve put together a few of my personal favorite divorces of the NFL, from the brazen to the money-grubbing to the downright illegal. That’s right, folks, it’s the…

Whatever your game plan this Sunday, enjoy yourself, be happy about all the things you’ve done right in life, and as always, drink responsibly.

Happy Super Bowl, everybody!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

What We Can all Learn about Marriage from Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been waiting for something as entertaining as Downton Abbey to come out, holding out but little hope.

Alas, your tiny hope is not to be in vain! This Friday marks the release of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a rather wily take on the Jane Austen classic, adapted from the book of the same name. In this zany flick you get all the wit and wisdom of Austen, and all the apocalyptic gore of zombies, in one awesome package. If you did have plans for this weekend, they’re obviously all now going to be taking a backseat to seeing this movie.

In honor of the original and the unmatched Pride and Prejudice as well as this refreshingly irreverent take on feminism and great literature, here are a few things we ALL can learn from P&P heroine Elizabeth Bennet—the old and the new.

Liz Bennet wouldn’t have gotten married. She’d have been too busy slaying zombies.

Way too many people get married because they have very few other goals at a particular moment in time; it just seemed like the obvious next step. I think a good way to remedy this in modern life is to introduce a zombie apocalypse.

If she DID get married, Liz Bennet would have had a prenup.

Why? Because she’s a realist. Prenups aren’t just for CEOs marrying supermodels, folks—they’re for everybody. Much like that extra dagger she keeps tucked in her corset, Liz Bennet knows only chumps don’t have backup.

If she decided to get divorced, Liz Bennet would have kicked ass in court. And out of court.

As is evident from the pages of the novel itself, Liz Bennet is no slouch when it comes to laying down the law. In short: Don’t mess with her. She’ll end you.

Liz Bennet would be an awesome co-parent.

She’s able to keep her emotions in check under stress, she (usually) makes excellent judgments, and she knows how to work as part of a team—this is what makes her great zombie-killing and co-parenting alike.

Liz Bennet is okay with an imperfect reality.

This film is taking Liz Bennet’s ability to adapt to a whole new level, making the most of her well-known tolerance for irritants—whether they come in the form of zombies or men who don’t know how to communicate their emotions properly.

So life wasn’t exactly what you had in mind. Liz Bennet would tell you, quite rightly, to get your s*** together and slay some zombies.

So, what’s your favorite Liz Bennet moment? Did she perhaps even inspire you during a tough divorce? And most importantly, are you seeing this movie?

Tweet your responses to @nycdivorcelaw or leave me a comment on our firm’sFacebook page.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

What if You Caucused Your Divorce?

The culmination of seven hundred ninety-eight months of campaigning is finally upon us. It’s Iowa caucus time! Have you been pretending to know what a caucus is every time it’s mentioned by your coworkers and stepdad Steve? You’re not alone. Also, what you thought was Iowa is Nebraska. It’s one more to the right. Yep, that’s the one.

I’m sure you’ve heard the term “caucus” bandied about, but what is it really? Well, it’s sort of like a primary but more ye olde. It’s the Sturbridge Village of the primary process, if you will. People don’t just stop by their polling place and pull a lever, instead they come together as a community and discuss the candidates. There’s a little stumping and a little mingling. And then people take sides either by ballot or by physically congregating together. Is there cake? I don’t know but there should be.

Caucusing is kind of great. It makes people feel like an active part of the democratic process. Plus it’s old timey so everyone can feel a bit in the founding fathers spirit without shelling out the big bucks for Hamilton tickets. It’s also a great way to decide things as a group. Gather your family and caucus to decide what to get for dinner tonight. Make impassioned speeches then have pizza congregate by the door. Thai by the dining room. What else can you caucus? Well how about who deserves the blame in your divorce? Fun right?!

Divorce is usually a private process and that’s all well and good but how sure are you that your ex-spouse was really totally at fault for your break up? What if you had a definitive answer decided by a group of your peers and neighbors? Well, that’d be a caucus!

Republicans caucus in Iowa by secret ballot, and that’s boring, so we’ll pretend your marriage is a Democrat for the purposes of our exercise. Democrats pitch their candidates with little spiels, then they gather in groups according to which candidate they support. Then they pitch a little more to sway the undecided group until one candidate is declared winner. So here we go, for your consideration:

A Divorce Caucus

FADE IN:

INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DUSK:
People milling about everywhere, chatting and taking off winter weather layers. Some fill paper cups with coffee from carafes. There is a positive vibe and excitement in the air.

DENISE, mid-forties, holding a clipboard, walks up to a microphone stand and taps the microphone. The crowd turns their attention to her and they all go silent.

DENISE
Thank you all so much for coming out today. As you know Paul and I have decided to get a divorce.

CROWD
(Cheers and whistles)

DENISE
Yes, thank you! We are excited, too. As I was saying, thank you all for coming out, I know it’s freezing out there, we really appreciate it. You’re here today not only to make your own opinions known, but you are doing the community a greater good. The importance of designating one of us as marriage poison cannot be minimized. By the end of the night, we will have a clear-cut person at fault. I know a lot of you came in here with your minds made up as to who really destroyed this marriage, but before you congregate together with your chosen side, really think it through. This is serious. The winner of this caucus will not only get the house, the lake house, the kids, the dog and the jet skis, the winner will also get the most coveted prizes of all: the bragging rights and the dignity.

Just to get the logistics down. If you believe Paul is totally at fault for the crap sandwich that was demise of our marriage, please head over to the right side of the room near that life-sized scarecrow I have dressed in Paul’s clothes, threw six dozen eggs at, and pierced with several arrows.

PAUL, mid-forties, fixing his hair and rolling up his shirt sleeves steps up to the microphone.

PAUL
Yes and if you believe Denise is the one who drove our marriage into a lake of garbage, please congregate over on the left side of the room near the steel trash can full of Denise’s clothes that is — Dave, go ahead (DAVE sets trash can’s contents on fire)– currently on fire.

DENISE
Right, thank you Paul. And if you are undecided, please move to the center of the room near that pile of our wedding pictures which Paul and I have painstakingly poked holes in all the eyes and on which we drew classic schoolboy-style graffiti penises.

PAUL
Ok, so if everyone’s got their fill of coffee cake, thanks again to Denise’s mom (Denise’s mom waves from the crowd), I think we can get going.

DENISE
Yes ok, so I call this divorce caucus to order and with the power vested in me by Ben Franklin and St. Helena of Constantinople, the patron saint of divorces, I officially open this caucus.

CROWD
(Cheers and whistles)

The crowd disperses. Eight people congregate around the scarecrow. Eight people circle around the trash can fire. Six people remain in the center of the room around the wedding picture pile.

PAUL
(Waving his arm and counting quietly) Ok, so looks like we’ve got ourselves a tie right now. As per divorce caucus rules, Denise and I are not allowed to stump for ourselves, so each faction must appoint a delegate to speak for the group.

CROWD
(Mumbling and conferring)

GINA, early forties, steps forward from the group surrounding the trash can.

GINA
I’d like to speak on behalf of all the Denise haters.

DENISE
The caucus recognizes Gina Thompson. Even though one could argue Gina Thompson’s affair with my husband was the quote, unquote, straw that broke the camel’s back in regards to my marriage to Paul. Also please let it be noted, Gina Thompson was my best friend for the better part of the past thirty years.

PAUL
Both points are noted, Denise. Please step forward to the microphone, Gina and might I say that’s a lovely dress. Who will be speaking for the faction who hates me?

ANNA, early seventies, Denise’s mom, steps forward.

ANNA
That’d be me, Paul.

PAUL
Great, if you both could make your way up here. Gina, would you like to speak first?

DENISE
You’d like that wouldn’t you Paul?

PAUL
I would.

GINA
(Walks up to the microphone.) Hi there, as Denise mentioned, I’m Gina Thompson and Denise and I have been best friends for the better part of thirty years, and as such I can tell you Gina is the worst person I have ever met. She’s petty and cruel. She once threw six meatballs at Becky Stafford in sixth grade. One by one, for no reason, and with no remorse. She does not give up her seat on the bus for the elderly. She has never once wiped down an elliptical machine after use at the Y. She does not recycle and for six months in 2014 she would not shut up about her paleo diet. Paul did his best but there is only so much a person can take. She spits gum out of car windows. She regularly cuts the line at Trader Joe’s. She leaves the gate open at the dog run. She is a cancer upon this town and I wouldn’t be surprised if she was sent here by Lucifer himself. Thank you.

ANNA
(Steps to microphone.) Hello. I’m Anna, I’m Denise’s mom and I’ll cut right to the chase. Paul cheated on my precious baby angel with this woman (points to Gina). I don’t blame Gina. She’s from a broken home. We did all we could to invite her into our family to give her some structure but facts are facts, she was a latchkey kid with unlimited access to cable television. There was nothing we could do to save her. I’m not here to demonize Gina though she makes it pretty easy wearing outfits like that. I’m here to tell you about Paul.

Paul keys cars in the Stop’n’Shop parking lot. Now I’ve never seen it with my own eyes but I have heard rumors and as we all know there is no smoke without fire. He does it to get his jollies off when he’s not cheating on my daughter or doing hard marijuana drugs in the school parking lot across from his office when he’s meant to be at staff meetings.

Here’s a question: how many of you have been forced to read Paul’s (makes air quoting gesture) novel? (The entire room raises their hands.) My condolences. Now I don’t know what’s more insulting, the painful purple prose or the fact that the main character, Harry, is clearly meant to be based on old Paul here. Except Paul isn’t a delicate, tortured soul whose genius is pummeled by his corporate world commitments. Paul’s a sad sack of trash who has yet to accept his role in life — average man in an average town with average looks and average intelligence who thinks he’s way funnier than he actually is. That’s not to mean you should give up the writing Paul! Keep going so building that extension on the house for your writing room isn’t a total waste of money! Sure your son will never have the braces he so desperately needs, but we’re all glad you’ve got a big room for your antique typewriter that you’ve been too lazy to go get fixed, so you use your work laptop to write on instead. On the couch. In the living room. Paul is awful. Thank you.

GINA
Just one last thing, thanks to Facebook, I am sure you’re aware that Denise is part of a pyramid scheme.

DENISE
(Yelling) It’s a multi-level marketing sales program!

(The entire crowd walks over to the trash can on fire.)

DENISE
Well. Ok.

PAUL
It seems I have won! Wow. Ok, I was not expecting this because of the whole affair with Gina thing. Wow. Ok, I’m honored really. Thanks guys. Thanks a lot. I really love those jet skis. And the lake house. Oh and yeah the kids, the kids too, obviously. But wow, the jet skis! This is so great. Thank you. Thank you everyone. And a big shout out to hydroverdeplasmine glycol, the ancient seaweed extract proven to regenerate cells and activate collagen production causing visible plumping, because without it Dylan and Meadows Beauty would not exist. And without Dylan and Meadows’ pervasive, predatory pyramid scheme, Denise wouldn’t have bought into the company and would not be carpet bombing each and every one of your Facebook feeds, walls and inboxes, annoying the everloving guts out of you. And without that, I wouldn’t have (yelling) both jet skis right now! Wooooo! Yeah! (Pulls Gina towards himself, dips her and kisses her.)

DENISE
Ok. Well. Thanks everyone for coming out and participating. And listen, if you’re looking to spend more time with your kids and quit the daily grind because you just can’t take one more long-ass commute, come talk to me about becoming your own boss. And if you do end up googling Dylan and Meadows, please be aware while the income disclosure chart looks like a pyramid, it’s actually a triangle. A triangle of financial independence for you and your family. I just need four more members on my team to zero out my initial investment of twelve hundred dollars.

FADE OUT.

And that, my friends is how a divorce caucus would work. And if any community theater groups are interested in performing my caucus piece, please reach out and I will file my Writers Guild paperwork ASAP.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Kindness During Divorce

Have you heard of Blue Monday? It’s not only my fifth favorite New Order song, it’s also the most depressing day of the year! Some scientists, mathematicians and diplomats decided the third Monday of January is indeed the saddest, bleakest, most miserable day of the year. I assume it was some scientists, mathematicians and diplomats. Who else would be in charge of designating the saddest day of the year? Not a defunct travel channel, right? Oh, a defunct travel channel designated the date.

Well lucky for us, it lands right smack in the middle of the busiest month for divorces. Divorces are no picnic, believe you me, but the added stress of a divorce on top of an escalating vitamin D deficiency and a growing January specific nihilistic worldview is just about enough to unsubscribe from the outside world and decide you’re living the rest of your life in a self imposed Room situation. But I’m here to tell you, don’t. Don’t hole up, or give up. Instead, take today to reflect on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s statement, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?'” Reflect on that and change your attitude, because weirdly, you are totally in control of that. Let me explain.

A long time ago, I was feeling anxious/borderline terrified over something and a strange, normally silent part of my brain chimed in and said, “Hey, decide you’re not scared.” And, suddenly, I wasn’t. Then it happened again. I was in a crabby mood and that oft mute area of my noggin said, “Choose to be in a better mood.” And I did. I recounted this to a friend explaining I was tricking and manipulating my brain and that bending spoons with just my mind was clearly not far off. And he said, you’re exercising autonomy over yourself, you’re not Kreskin. He was right. Rude but right.

We can choose to be in charge of ourselves and our temperaments. I’m obviously not talking about clinical depression, which is real and serious, and I am not minimizing that struggle at all. I’m instead talking about the everyday non-medical stuff that gets in the way of living better. The core ingredient needed to stop the bad mood spiral to beat yourself up town is kindness. Kindness towards yourself, and kindness towards others.

The magical thing about kindness is that it compounds. If someone holds the door for you on the way out of your local coffee shop, odds are you’ll hold the elevator door for someone else later in the day. Kindness is contagious and in a world that is basically on fire and crumbling every minute of the day, we could all use some more good in our lives. If there can be acts of kindness during war, you can certainly implement it in your divorce and in your daily life.

Be kind to your ex.
I’m not suggesting you treat your former spouse like royalty or anything, but I am recommending being less of a jerk. Small things like a simple compliment can be so unexpected and flattering that the whole day can change. Next time you’re doing the kid shuffle, mention to your ex how little Sally was saying she always has such a great time with your ex, or that she was really looking forward to their time together. Small things can add up to a larger change in attitude. Offer to run an errand or wash their car or help out with something minor around the house. You’ll be surprised how disarming something small can be.

Be kind to your divorcing friends.
Whether you can relate or not, if a pal is going through a divorce it’s possible they’re going through the roughest period of his or her life and you’ve got a front row seat. Just be there for your friend. It’s simple advice, but it’s good advice. Follow their cues. Let them vent when they want to, and backoff when they don’t. Little gestures can be the most meaningful when they come as a surprise, so send them some flowers or show up with groceries one night and cook them dinner. Make them a pity filled Spotify playlist so they can cry it out, and an upbeat dance party playlist to buoy them afterwards. Be there for your bud and they’ll repay the favor the next time you’re down in the dumps.

Be kind to your kids.
Unfortunately, your kids are buckled up all nice and snug in the backseat of this long-haul that is your divorce. It’s imperative they feel safe and important during this big change, so take some time to really hang out with them. Ask them how they’re feeling and push when you get one word or vague answers. Establish new traditions with them to give them something familiar and recurring to look forward to. If they’re old enough, ask them what they need from you to process through the changes. Don’t ever bad mouth your ex in front of them. This is not their war, do not drag them into it. Create an atmosphere filled with hope so that everyone feels like while the future may be different, it will still be good, and maybe even better than the past.

Be kind to yourself.
Like She & Him said, you’ve got to be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that this is a hard time and you will be feeling a lot of emotions. Don’t beat yourself up for not being further along in the process of working through those emotions because there is no set timeline. Keep a gratitude journal to keep things in perspective. Take yourself on indulgent days out where you get to do anything you want and please let that include getting a slice of cake. Look outside yourself and do something good for others like donating blood or volunteering.

Give yourself the ultimate gift: clean up your Facebook account. Unfriend or at least unfollow everyone except your closest friends. The reasons are twofold. First, comparison is the thief of joy. You don’t need an acquaintance’s#blessedlife shoved in your face with minute by minutes updates with meticulously staged I’m-better-than-you photos. Secondly, in this election year, for your own sanity, unfollow or unfriend the people that make you irate. Your high school lab partner is racist, ok? No amount of explaining the complex war on terrorism is going to change that. Your friend Chuck’s wife is a moron. Can you really get into a debate about Planned Parenthood with a woman who spells babies “babys?” What’s your ETA on getting her to agree with you? Months? Years? Give it up, bro. Release yourself from the Facebook shackles and enjoy your new freedom where success and happiness are defined by you, and you alone. Then listen to Kindness, the musician, and brainstorm. Prioritize kindness and see how quickly your attitude and worldview change.

Do you have any kindness tips? Or want to argue with me about which is the best New Order song? (It’s “True Faith,” don’t even start.) Leave your comment here, on Facebook, or catch me on Twitter.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

6 Great Divorce Books to Keep You Indoors

There’s nothing like a cold, gray day to make me look outside and go, “Nope. Not going out there.” Since cold, gray days are a dime a dozen this time of year (well, finally),  I figured this is a good time to bring out the books—especially since a lot of us recently made resolutions to start reading more (me included).

While you’re going through your divorce and afterward, people will probably shove a lot of cheesy, condescending self-help books into your hands or leave copies discreetly on your desk, and while this is all well-meaning, in my opinion the best therapy is regular old fiction. I get why Deepak Chopra and Eckert Tolle are useful in these moments, but really, sometimes you just need to escape into a book that Gets You.

So if you’re barricaded indoors this January and February (and March and perhaps April), here are the books you should be reading, according to me.

Wild, by Cheryl Strayed

There are a lot of reasons to like this book. Basically, it’s the story of a person who went through hell, more than once, and came out a better, stronger, more interesting human being… which is what most of us do. Anyone going through a divorce will be moved by Strayed’s honest portrayal of what the pain of divorce can do to you, and the sheer determination it takes to get through it in one piece.

What Maisie Knew, by Henry James

This is one of those books I read in college English class and ended up keeping on my bookshelf forever. It tells the story of a young girl witnessing the divorce of her parents and its aftermath, and throughout she is on the whole much wiser than the adults in the book. An entertaining story, it also serves as a cautionary tale of how NOT to co-parent, and makes you glad divorce is considerably easier—legally, anyway—in the 21st century.

Running with Scissors, by Augusten Burroughs

Ready to laugh and cry at the same time? This book is for you. Burroughs is one of those writers who can tell a tragic story in a hilarious way, and frankly, his past probably makes yours look like a picnic. In this book you’ll find the true story of Burrough’s young life: dealing with his parents’ toxic marriage, a mentally ill mother, a crazy psychiatrist, and an addiction problem—and somehow, it’s really, really funny.

Heart of Darkness, by Joseph Conrad

Maybe this isn’t a laughing time for you; maybe you’d rather wallow in the darkness of the world a bit before you welcome the joys of spring. If so, and if you somehow haven’t yet, read this book. A sort of uber-male perspective on the breakdown of the human psyche, it tells the story of Kurtz, a guy who went AWOL on his intended spouse and disappeared into the jungle—and you really don’t (and DO) want to know what he got up to out there.

Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert

Mock if you will: this is a good book. Gilbert does something really great in this book, which is describe what it feels like to realize you are going to have to end your marriage, and then describe what it feels like to end your marriage—the bad and the good. She takes an unashamedly positive view on things, and even while I may not share her worldview oneverything anything, I do think she has a lot of insightful things to say about human relationships.

The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Want to feel really, really good about not being married? Read The Great Gatsby. In it, a young man observes the unhappiness of young, rich, married people in the 1920s; this book abounds with champagne, huge parties, and a lot of bad, bad decisions. Revel in the beginning and end of the American dream in this classic work of irony and relationship woes.

Get a Hobby, People

As is custom each January, Instagram celebrities are selling you their juice cleanses and you’re getting dozens of join-our-gym-TODAY flyers shoved under your door. Then on the other end of the spectrum you’ve got old high school friends masquerading as self-help gurus/life coaches on Facebook telling you to just chill out man, resolutions are garbage and you are a perfectly special snowflake just as you are.

All those people are terrible. Don’t listen to them because both their extremes are wrong. Will you be a totally different person by the end of 2016? No. Does that mean you shouldn’t try to improve on things and challenge yourself? Of course not.

What happened to evenhanded, rational thinking? You don’t need to do twelve triathlons in twelve months, but you should try to push yourself out of your comfort zone. You don’t have to finally break free from fear, FOR GOOD, but you shouldn’t hibernate indefinitely, either. Instead, you should do some stuff, try some new things, and explore your interests. And what better way to do that than with a new hobby? Yoga and book clubs are so 2015. Try something fun, different, and totally 2016. By the way, did you know January is National Hobby Month? It is so get to it!

Solve the Making a Murderer Murder. Quit your job, shirk all responsibilities and dive head first into the Making a Murderer reddit thread and Solve. That. Crime. Exonerate Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey and become our national treasure.

Air Guitar. It’s possible you dabbled in air guitar as a teen Warrant fan, and later cast those skills aside in the name of “adulthood.” Well what did adulthood give you other than a mortgage and a sometimes crippling depressive disorder? Throw caution to the wind and get to practicing because this could be you someday, participating in the Air Guitar World Championships.

Celebrity Death Hoaxing. You know how every so often you see a headline confirming that Morgan Freeman or Matt Damon or Anjelica Huston is indeed still alive? Those celebrity death rumors have to come from somewhere. Why not you?

Butchery. Hipsters and their really dumb mustaches have taken to learning homesteading and trades in the past few years and their new trend du jour isbutchery classes. It sounds quite awful, but if you eat meat, you might as well get to know it before dining.

Ukulele. Do you want to be insufferable at parties or do find yourself chilling out to a traditional Hawaiian music Pandora station quite often? Then the ukulele is for you!  There’s a whole online community dedicated to providing “ukelele friendly” renditions of virtually any music you could think of. Say what you want but I feel you haven’t really heard Slayer’s “Angel of Death” until you hear it played on a ukelele.  

Duct Tape Crafting. Traditional crafting too mainstream for you? Don’t like the vibe in your local Michaels? Take your crafting to the next level by limiting yourself to one supply: the mighty and versatile roll of duct tape. You can makea lot of crazy stuff.

Dog Grooming. Do you find watching someone get their hair cut hypnotic? Do you also like dogs? Well combine those two disparate facts about yourself into one totally normal hobby: creative dog grooming. Your schnauzer is going to look so cute/hate you so much.

Subway Reading. Do you have free afternoons frequently, or find yourself bored on weekends? And you like books? But your home is too stagnant? Pick a subway line, grab a seat (push an old lady out of the way if you have to!) and ride end to end immersed in your book. You can even read about the subway, or even better about mole people.

Home Brewing.  Home brewing has been growing in popularity for a while now. Nearly everyone I know has been bored to tears taking a “tour” of the “really interesting set up” an acquaintance has “got going” in a dark closet somewhere in their apartment. You can join the ranks, have fun with science, and get drunk.

Stone Skipping. Not just for olde timey rascals down by the fishing hole anymore, stone skipping is now a seriously competitive endeavor. Practice hard and try to beat some world records.

Flair Bartending. This could be you! Imagine how impressed you’ll be with yourself, and how embarrassed your friends will be of you!

Get Really into Fringe Religions. Scientology is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to secretive, fishy religious organizations. Immerse yourself in wild world of the Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints, Raëlism, Heaven’s Gate or any other group that tickles your fancy. Imagine all the cocktail party talking points you’ll pick up!

Competitive Bearding (& Mustache-ing). Did you know there are beard competitions? I’m not making that up. If you’re lazy and male this really is about as easy of a hobby as you can get. Just wake up and don’t shave. Unlike most team sports you can be uncoordinated and out of shape and still be an excellent “beard athlete.” I can’t make an outside jump shot but I suspect I would be excellent at not shaving. Need some inspiration and pointers – Alas,Whisker Wars has them so go big (… long? Bushy?) or go home!

Cheese Making. A baked camembert or brie is great this time (or anytime) of year so try it and let it inspire you! Truly, any sort of cooking is a great stress reliever. But if fixing up dinner isn’t interesting enough for you, why not try something a bit more challenging like cheese making? Soon you’ll tap into the underground cheese scene and Alex James will want to hang out with you. 

Pickle the Crap Out of Stuff. If cheese isn’t up your alley, why not experiment with pickling things. Don’t stop at cucumbers. Explore cabbage, lemons, watermelon rind, peppers, onions, pineapple (!), the list goes on forever. Pickle anything you can fit in a jar. Pickle all day long.

Yarn Bombing. If you already know how to knit, why not get involved in a yarn bombing group? This guerilla street art movement has been beautifying cities all over the world. Just think, you could be the new Banksy: Knitsy.

Whatever you pick, I hope you’ll join me in this 2016 mantra: Chill, but also do something.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Marriage and Divorce at Downton Abbey

One thing you should know about real men: they are not afraid to admit they like Downton Abbey.

If you’ve somehow never heard of it, Downton Abbey is basically a social and political study of early 20th-century British culture in the guise of a period drama about rich people, starring the incredibly funny and cool Dame Maggie Smith as well as a lot of other people who are less important than her.

Not surprisingly, I’m most entertained by the storylines that involve marriage and divorce—I love learning about how much things have changed since the 1920s, and sometimes, how much they haven’t.

While people like Henry VIII were divorcing as they pleased, divorce didn’t become legal for regular British folk until the mid-1800s, so in 1920 it was still pretty new. It also wasn’t particularly acceptable. (Think your divorce made social situations awkward? Try being a divorcee in 1924.)

Here are some of my favorite storylines from the show.

Only marriage can save Downton Abbey.

One of the early plot lines centers around how, because women can’t inherit property and the Earl of Downton only has daughters, the property is going to go to some random distant cousin who (gasp) isn’t even aristocracy.

The implication of that legality is that, if the family hope to keep their property, one of the three daughters must be married off to this random redneck cousin. Cue awkward English eye rolls.

No no-fault divorce.

The most interesting couple in the show is no doubt the housemaid Anna and the valet Bates, although they have the hardest time getting together of anyone, ever.

This is partly because Bates’s previous wife—a truly horrendous woman—decides to be a pain by not agreeing to a divorce, citing that she and Bates have a happy marriage, even though they’ve not lived together for years.

To this day there is still no “no-fault divorce” in the UK, meaning someone has to do something egregious for divorce to be legally allowed. You can’t just say, “Well, we don’t like each other anymore.”

No child support laws.

When the slightly “fast” housemaid Ethel is discovered having an affair with a visiting military officer, she’s in a bad situation as she ends up both fired—and pregnant.

The officer refuses to accept the child is his, and since there were no legal grounds in the 1920s in England to force unwed fathers to take financial responsibility, Ethel has to raise the child alone, and ultimately has to become a prostitute to make ends meet.

These days, and particularly since the advent of paternity testing, this is less likely to happen—although not entirely unheard of.  It was probably pretty common back then and definitely made for a harrowing, thought-provoking plot point. (Oh, and then the officer was killed in battle in WW1—that’s karma for you.)

You can’t divorce the insane.

Edith, the less-attractive sister who everyone thinks is bound to end up an old maid, surprises everyone in the third season by starting a relationship with Michael Gregson, the editor of a magazine she writes for. However, in typical style, Edith has bad luck in that Gregson can’t marry her—because he already has a wife, who is clinically insane.

Until the 1950s, many national laws prevented spouses from divorcing the insane because the spouse could not legally consent to divorce. These days, however, someone being insane can in fact be considered grounds for divorce—shows how times have changed.

Divorce makes you a pariah.

One of the great dramatic moments of the fifth season was the marriage of Lady Rose MacClare to Atticus Aldridge being almost derailed by her mother dropping the bomb on the wedding party that she and her husband—ie. Rose’s parents—were in the middle of a divorce. At the time, and perhaps especially for those in British High Society, divorce was not, shall we say, “the done thing.”

Unfortunately for the devious Lady MacClare, the majority of the wedding party are entirely unimpressed by this news, and the wedding goes ahead as if she never said a word. Doh.

Since then, the frequency with which couples get divorced has risen to the point that it’s now a normal part of social life, if a sometimes painful one.

****

Think I’ve spoiled the show by giving away all the best parts? You couldn’t be more wrong. I have but scratched the surface, as Lady Mary Crawley would say.

Downton Abbey airs on PBS (like all the best things) where the sixth season premiers tonight (January 3rd) at 9pm EST. See you there!

Cheerio,
James J. Sexton

10 Reasons Not to Make a New Year's Resolution

As January 1 begins to loom on the horizon, I always find myself amazed and confused about the rampant resolution-ing that goes on at this time of year. Okay, so I’ve made some resolutions myself—many years ago—but it only took me a few January rebound weight-gains and February head-hanging moments to realize:

New Year’s Resolutions don’t work!

Luckily for me, I’m no longer just that Scroogey guy at the New Year’s Eve party rolling his eyes at your fun, because I am now backed up by SCIENCE. (Yes, I am now that Scroogey guy self-importantly rolling his eyes at your fun because I was right.)

Here are the science-backed reasons why you are going to be exactly the same person on January 1st that you were on December 31st (and that’s no bad thing).

The number one New Year’s Resolution: “Lose weight.” This was true in 2015 and has probably been true for the last twenty years at least. This is also the thing we’re least likely to be able to achieve based on a quick promise to ourselves, because it’s a hugely psychological thing. It requires lifestyle changes—not promises.

There’s nobody to enforce it. In ancient Babylon, people made New Year’s resolutions with the understanding that the gods would punish them if they didn’t keep their end of the deal. Nowadays, we just go “Eh, well, I’ll just have this one slice of pie” and nobody smites us at all. Problem.

Only 8% of people are successful in keeping their resolutions. Okay, so SOME people do keep their resolutions, but your chances of keeping it are pretty low … so why make one at all? Right???

75% of New Year’s Resolutions are kept for the first week or less. That’s right—there’s a 75% chance you won’t even make it to Week 2.

Of people who achieve their resolution, only 14% of those are over 50. So if you’re over 50, you have an overall 1.12% chance of success. People over 50, DO NOT MAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS. You’re just giving yourself a reason to berate yourself, instead of enjoying some more delicious pie.

You’re being unrealistic. Another reason people fail, according to Dr. Avya Sharma, is that people set unrealistic goals. Instead of setting boring, concrete goals like “return that bike I borrowed” or “buy some dish soap,” people ask their future selves for things they can’t possibly deliver based on the person they actually are at this point in time.

24% of people fail … every. Single. Year. And they just keep making resolutions, apparently. This cannot be good for the soul.

It’s a substitute for actual change. Timothy Pychl, a professor of psychology at Carleton University in Canada, says that resolutions are a way for our whole culture to procrastinate en masse. It’s a sort of Let’s Pretend to Improve Ourselves game: everybody knows everyone else is going to fail, yet we congratulate each other for making a resolution, feel like we’re doing something good, and then and help each other brush it off afterwards, to make sure we all know it’s okay we didn’t actually do it. In other words, New Year’s Resolutions aren’t really resolutions at all.

One day isn’t enough time or reason to change. One thing research has shown repeatedly is that by trying to get yourself not to do something, you automatically place it centrally in your mind, increasing your chances of wanting to do it. Making big changes requires that you literally create new neural pathways that allow you to make different decisions. And unfortunately you can’t just snap your fingers and create new neural pathways: again, it takes time. It requires literally thinking differently—over and over and over again—until that becomes the new normal. (And it’s probably not easily done with a New Year’s hangover, either.)

Resolutions can actually KEEP you from doing something good for yourself. Because the act of making a resolution sort of halfway seems like you’re doing something, depending on how long you last, it can make you feel temporarily better. That keeps your guilt at bay, which keeps you from addressing the bigger issues that you will have to face if you want to make any lasting changes.

Much like “Puppies aren’t just for Christmas,” resolutions aren’t just for New Year’s. In fact, why not just enjoy New Year for all the lovely revelry it entails, let the peer pressure to make a resolution pass … and then once everyone else is falling off their resolution wagon mid-January, think through what’s important to you, and set some small, concrete, realistic steps for reaching your goals in life. It doesn’t have to happen all in one leap.

And be glad: the year will change, but you will be the same fabulous person you are now, come midnight on January 1st, 2016.

Happy New Year, everyone!!

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Sources:
http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wired-success/201412/why-people-cant-keep-their-new-years-resolutions

9 Classic Holidays Movies to Express Your Dysfunctional Family

If the feverish pace of the holiday season has you feeling like you’re stuck in a thunderdome with your family as opposed to soaking up quality time with your family, you might just be nearing the end of your rope by now. Maybe I’m wrong and you’re in one of those Leave It To Beaver families, all cuddled up together on the couch, in front of a fire, taking turns reading aloud from Dickens. Maybe Aunt Shirley’s making her famous peppermint hot chocolate and your younger brother Ricky is upstairs changing into a Santa costume to delight all the children. Even Patrick, your regal golden retriever is in on the fun, wearing a set of reindeer antlers on his head and a big red satiny bow around his neck, prancing around majestically like he’s one of those fancy Instagram dogs. If this sounds like your family, this post is not for you.

If alternatively, your Aunt Peg has had too much sherry and is confessing her one true love was her college roommate Denise and that your Uncle Henry never “touches her as a woman should be touched anymore;” or if your mom brought her new boyfriend to dinner and you finally place his familiar face as the little boy you used to babysit in the early 90s; or if your family is nowhere in sight and you’re really bonding with the whiskey bottle you’ve nicknamed dad while you anxiously await your Seamless delivery, then you’ve come to the right place.

To all the damaged products of dysfunctional families, this post is for you. You don’t know what caroling around the neighborhood as a family feels like, but you sure as heck know the solace a dark closet can provide when your older brother and dad are going at it again over dropping out of college. The weirdos, the freaks, the goths, the misunderstood, gather ye round, for it’s time to indulge in some holiday films made for us, the broken ones.

Leave Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer to the normals and instead, enjoy these holiday movies starring your brethren, the dysfunctional family, described below as they should be, by jumping on the #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly train.

Home Alone
A young boy’s negligent parents were pressured by society and the Catholic Church to have more children than they can keep track of, and forget one of those children at home when leaving for a family vacation. The child left at home must protect the family’s honor and worldly possessions from burglars in this examination of the seedy underbelly of Chicago’s suburbs in the early 90s.

A Christmas Story
As the specter of nuclear war with the USSR looms, a young boy schemes to arm himself with a gun by any means necessary, including desperately trying to persuade an aging deity of western consumerism.

Elf
After being lied to his whole life, a middle aged man is exiled from his isolated village and the only family he has ever known. We follow the immigrant’s journey to New York as he faces severe hardships and fails to assimilate into American culture.

The Family Stone
Cultures collide as Republicans and Democrats clash over a Christmas holiday in this sobering commentary on the political divide in modern America.

 

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
Promises of change and declarations of love prove to be lies when a family loses track of their child again, this time in pre-Giuliani New York City.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Though it is never discussed, over the course of two decades, a midwestern family’s children don’t age yet their appearances change drastically. One Christmas the patriarch of the family goes to unusual extremes to collect his holiday bonus, as he remains convinced money can buy happiness.

Christmas With The Kranks
Evil befalls a family that dares to turn its back on Christmas, thus proving Santa is more powerful than god himself. The Kranks are bullied, guilted and manipulated back into celebrating, because autonomy is outlawed, and they live in fear forever.

The Ref
A cat burglar is the real victim of a Connecticut couple’s crumbling marriage.

Four Christmases
Two spoiled city dwellers reckon with their pasts in this unflinching commentary on the divorce epidemic in America.

Have another favorite “complicated family” film to add? Let’s here it! Leave a Comment below, on Facebook, or catch us on Twitter!

All the Movies are Lying About Love

In the year of our lord two thousand fifteen, human adults got really excited about a new dating website for Disney enthusiasts. As someone who thinks it’s weird for grown ups to go to Disney theme parks without children, it’s safe to say I was very unsettled by the idea that such a dating market existed and needed to be catered to. I’m all for every pot having a lid, and fully support the old adage “as long as you’re not hurting anyone go for it,” but this feels different and is worthy of further discussion. Catering to the Disney-obsessed niche, I think, is indicative of a shift towards embracing the idea that chasing a fairy tale is now an acceptable and encouraged lifestyle.

The problem is of course, life isn’t a fairy tale. The love stories put together by Disney and the rest of Hollywood are all fun and games until people start holding their own love lives up to fairy tale or romantic comedy standards. The odds that you’re going to have some incredibly unique love story are very slim, and the fact is, you don’t need one to be happy. But the more a person focuses on getting a big Hollywood ending over focusing on the work that needs go into that relationship to make it work and last, the more people are going to end up in my office discussing their divorce options.

Are Sunday afternoon TBS movies ruining us along with climate change, the gun laws in this country and aspartame? Just maybe. Let’s explore some movies that are setting us up for romantic disappointment, and you be the judge.

While You Were Sleeping
Falling for a guy from afar, saving his life, pretending to be his wife while he’s comatose in the hospital and then falling for his brother does not, in real life, end in a happily ever after with the brother. In real life it ends in a psychiatric hospital after people find out you were lying about being married to a person you’ve never met. You can plead and try to explain while the lithium kicks in, but there’s not really a way out of this one.

Pretty Woman
This is not an accurate depiction of the sex industry, in case you didn’t realize. White knight saves prostitute with a heart of gold is not how this goes down in real life. In a dangerously unregulated industry full of exploitation and human trafficking, a bloated, bored father of three hires a woman who uses drugs to cope with the unimaginable abuse from her childhood and they never see each other again — that’s real life. Or this ends in Gilgo Beach. Either way – Not. Good.

10 Things I Hate About You
The dark and stormy bad boy will not orchestrate a large musical number to get your attention. In real life, the dark and stormy bad boy will continue to hide his dad issues behind a veil of ~edginess~ until he succumbs to alcoholism – just like his dad!

Titanic
Hey, YOU CAN BOTH FIT ON THE DOOR. In real life, you both fit on the floating door and Jack dumps you after you get saved because, what the hell you could both fit on there why did you act like it would be impossible? Selfish much?

Every Hallmark Movie Ever

• You will not fall in love with the dashingly handsome, newly widowed postal worker.
• Santa is not real, he will not bring you a wife for Christmas.
• You will not save the family bakery from foreclosure by winning a large cash prize in a pie competition and fall in love with the real estate agent caught in the middle.
• You will not fall in love with the guy who rear ended your car, who also, as it turns out, plays your daughter’s favorite TV show character.
• You will not have a triple wedding with your two sisters, thus throwing a wrench into your parents’ second honeymoon plans.
• Santa is not secretly a total hunk and he will not finally realize he is in love with you and kiss you as it starts to snow, on Christmas Eve.

Last Holiday
The odds of you being mistakenly diagnosed with a terminal illness are pretty slim, even in our crumbling medical system. So odds are you’re not going to go on one last big blowout vacation, snag your longtime crush and then find out you’re not dying. In real life, this ends in your unfortunate demise and your family being left with astronomical debt thanks to your last hurrah.

Bridget Jones’s Diary
The idea of being accepted “just as you are” is such a beautiful, if not delusional, sentiment. Yes you should accept people, warts and all, but there is also a limit. There is a limit to zaniness, excessive jealousy and hijinx and real life Mark Darcy would have gotten to that limit pretty early on.

Every Lifetime Movie Ever

• You will not rekindle the spark between you and your high school boyfriend when you lock eyes unexpectedly across a Christmas tree lot.
• You will not fall in love with a young surfing instructor on the 40th birthday weekend getaway your kids planned so you could “let loose for once.”
• You will not frantically plow through boyfriends because your dying mother told you the one will be your seventh boyfriend.
• You will not seal your love forever by murdering the one woman who threatens your relationship. I really, really hope you won’t.

Love Actually
The lie here is that this is allegedly a feel good movie that’s supposed to fill you with cheer and romantic hope. The plot lines are actually not too far from real life as they’re all tragic. Dead wife, cheating husband, severely ill relative getting in the way of having a social life — take your pick. Though in real life the videographer ends up in jail because he is a c-r-e-e-p.

Never Been Kissed
It is possible Josie and Mr Coulson end up together but not until after Josie goes to jail for forging a driver’s license and Mr Coulson maybe loses his job for having an inappropriate relationship with a student. While she was actually a grown up, I can’t imagine there’s no repercussions for him.

Any Movie Starring Kate Hudson or Sarah Jessica Parker
Playing weird games does not lead to healthy relationships, it leads to threadbare relationships built like houses of cards. In real life, if the house of cards actually gets a wedding, it gets a nasty divorce too.

To sum up, the meet cute is not king. The wedding is not the end. No means “no,” not “keep trying to impress a person until you wear them down into loving you.” Do not let movies and the first three Taylor Swift albums brainwash you into thinking the one is Prince or Princess Charming. And for goodness sake go out and see the real world for as long as you can because soon enough you’ll be forced to take your kids to the sanitized Disney version.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

What to Do if Your Spouse Goes AWOL (Inspired by Serial Season 2)

One of the big surprises of 2014 was the huge success of the Serial podcast, which is or was a spinoff of the relatively popular This American Life podcast put out by Chicago Public Radio. It was pretty much the first podcast to ever reach such a huge audience, with an average of 8 million people downloading every episode on iTunes alone.

The first season told the story of the murder of Hae Min Lee, a high school student, in 1999, for which her ex-boyfriend Adnan Syed has at the time of my writing been in prison for almost sixteen years. Producer Sarah Koenig interviewed witnesses, uncovered many inconsistencies in the case as presented to the courts, and opened up a proverbial can of worms that is still wide open.

I was one of the people listening avidly to the first season of Serial, so I’m pretty excited that the second season has started. Sarah Koenig promised “some time in 2015,” and she waited until just last week to debut her new story. In fact, Season Two, Episode Two premieres today!

This season’s podcast is going to pick apart the story of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, who was allegedly held captive by the Taliban for five years in Afghanistan—but again, this is a story with a lot of complexity, suggestive details, and inconsistencies. Well chosen, Sarah.

To prep you for Serial season 2, this post is going to mix some key background information with a bit of legal perspective on what to do if YOUR spouse goes AWOL—whether from your life, your marriage, or just from financial obligations. Enjoy!

Were there signs?

This is the age-old question that gets asked every time someone does something absolutely incomprehensible. The serial killer was “just a normal guy,” the rope bridge “looked pretty safe,” and your spouse never seemed like the kind of person to just pick up and take off.

According to other soldiers who knew Bowe Bergdahl, he was basically a normal guy before he disappeared—a disappearance that is now being looked at by many as a desertion of a very strange kind. “He was focused and well-behaved,” soldier Jason Fry has said.

But also, Bergdahl did say to Fry at one point, “If this deployment is lame, I’m just going to walk off into the mountains of Afghanistan.” So there’s that.

There was also the weird fact that, according to soldiers in his unit, on the morning he went missing, he stacked all his stuff up neatly, except for his compass, which went missing with him. Not enough for you? He also apparently mailed his computer and other possessions—inexplicably—to his parents prior to his disappearance. So … yeah. There were signs.

I think you can safely assume, if your spouse gets distant and starts mailing all of his or her possessions away, that there might be something fishy going on. What’s tougher to get a handle on are the psychological signs, and the emotional ones. Is your spouse going distant because they’re stressed about work, or because they want out?

When a spouse walks out on a marriage, it sometimes means walking out on the children of the marriage as well. Some states call this desertion and others call it abandonment. In either case it’s generally grounds for divorce.

The exact definition of abandonment varies, but usually it means the spouse has been gone for one to two years, has not made any financial contributions, and refuses to reconcile if they are in touch at all.

What should be done?

When Bergdahl went missing, a huge amount of military resource was put into trying to track him down, and there was a lot of controversy surrounding whether or not the US government should negotiate for his release (ie. “negotiate with terrorists”). For much of the time he was gone, he was the only US soldier being held as a prisoner by the Taliban, so it was fairly high-profile.

If you think your spouse is about to go AWOL (or worse, they already have), you probably lack the resources of the US military in trying to hold them accountable in your marriage. There are some things you can do, however.

If you have children, you can file for temporary custody, which is likely to turn into permanent custody once you finalize the divorce. You can also ask the court for a temporary order of child support. In extreme cases, you can ask the court to terminate parental rights of the deserting spouse, if they are seen to be an unfit parent.

Once the spouse has been gone from your marriage for two years, and one year in some states, you’re in a good position to file for divorce.

What really happened?

But getting a divorce doesn’t answer the biggest question that some spouses have after being deserted. The biggest question, of course, is “Why?” Why did the person just leave, instead of resolving the situation in some other way? How could they leave a life you created together, without a second thought? And so on.

In my experience, satisfying answers to this question are few and far between. Usually, the simple answer is “avoidance”—some people just can’t deal with having grownup conversations. In a few unfortunate scenarios, people had already started a new life with someone else. You might find out why your spouse went AWOL in time, or you might never get the answers you feel you deserve. And this can be infuriating.

In the case of Bowe Bergdahl, finding out what really happened is the whole point, or so it seems. Some people claim he left a note saying he was going to “start a new life,” but the note hasn’t been since produced. There are stories of his being kidnapped and tortured by Taliban captors, and as many stories that he walked away with them on his own free will. And there are apparently a LOT of strange little ins and outs of his story that just don’t add up.

For the Deserted

Sadly, abandonment is not that uncommon as a grounds for divorce, but luckily it’s fairly easy to resolve from a legal standpoint. Once your spouse has left you for a certain period, it’s hard for the courts to deny you a divorce—but you’ll want to have legal counsel to ensure that you get what you deserve out of the situation.

If your spouse has gone AWOL, feel free to contact me for advice on your specific situation. If you’re an abandoned military spouse, you might find this site helpful in understanding your options.

If you’re interested in listening to Serial, either the last amazing season or this coming one, you can download it here. If you’re interested and you’ve never downloaded a podcast before, here’s what to do.

Questions? Comments? Leave a comment, share on Facebook, or tweet it!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Presents for Your Ex: A Gift Guide

Not everyone totally hates their ex-spouse. Shocking, I know! If you are in that (tiny) minority, you might be brainstorming holiday gifts right about now. You want your gift to be appropriate — not too extravagant or intimate, but also not too impersonal. The best way to strike that balance is of course through humor. I’ve rounded up a couple ideas if you’re stumped.

When you broke up, did your ex-wife’s personal anthem become Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together?” Why not commemorate that special time with this lyric art so she can look at it, chuckle, shake her head and say, “Too true, Taylor. Too true.”

Looking for more than just lyrics? Well here you go. Oh yeah, the Taylor Swift fan art community is expansive and it is emotional.

Not into Taylor? (Are you hearing impaired or something?) Fair enough. How about something to really jazz up the former love of your life’s cubical? Look no further than this world’s greatest ex-husband mug.

Do you guys have the kind of playful relationship where you can look back and laugh about all the never ending arguments and screaming matches you’ve had over the years? Then this tasteful candle flipping the bird might be the gift for you.

Did you read how Kaley Cuoco covered her wedding tattoo with a giant mothafter filing for divorce? Yes, a moth. Don’t give your ex a moth tattoo gift certificate. Instead, go with this nonpermanent happily divorced sticker. You’re not going to have to get a sticker lasered off your neck.

Worried your former ball and chain isn’t really working through his feelings? What better gift to help him get those cathartic tears flowing than Adele’s new album 25?

Speaking of British musicians, The Beatles said “all you need is love.” Boy did those billionaires get it wrong. Love fades. You know what doesn’t? Pizza. Express that wise sentiment with this love fades, pizza Is forever t-shirt.

I don’t know how to properly preface this one but here is a tiny coffin for your wedding rings. You can, I don’t know, bury it? Or display it? I’m not really sure what the endgame is for this gift, but it’s available for purchase if you want it.  There was a company, for many years, that would melt your wedding ring down and turn it into a working bullet (GodDammo was their name).  They went out of business a few years ago. I can’t imagine why.

Odds are, god willing, you’re no longer living together. To celebrate that, a great housewarming gift is some cleansing sage. Your ex can smudge and cleanse to their heart’s content and start with a fresh, clean slate in their new place, all thanks to you (I guess in more ways than one).

Finally, what better gift than a person to replace you? Splash out the big bucks and buy your ex a Match.com or eHarmony subscription. If you’re on good enough terms you can help your ex write his or her profile. Then maybe get one for yourself, because why not.  Just remember, I do prenups too.  

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

8 New Holiday Traditions to Start This Year

One of the tough things about this time of year is that if you’ve been through any kind of personal upheaval involving family, the holidays are a big reminder of how much has changed. You’re in a different place now than you were when you were married … and while that can be depressing, it also can be great.

You may not be psyched to reinvent the past or relive old memories, and that’s totally fine. This is a great time of year to invent NEW traditions. After all, after divorce, values can shift. Maybe “what really matters” is something different to you now.

What I’d like to see are more holiday traditions that are calming, and non-commercial; that you can do on your own, or with a group, with a lot of value either way; that you can start doing regardless of whether you’re married, divorced, single, widowed, or what have you.

Here are my ideas.

Walk in the woods. Was is Thoreau who said, “An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day”? Appreciating a walk in the beauty of nature is a great thing to do on your own, and also a great gift to share. Better than a pair of socks, in my book.

Help someone in need. Make it a holiday tradition to give your time, support or resources to someone who needs them. In NYC, for example, we have theNeighborhood Coalition for Shelter who are always taking donations (especially) around the holidays.

Do a Winter Clear–Out. The small break I take at holiday time is often partly spent going through the house, organizing things, and separating out what I don’t need to give to charity. This is satisfying on many levels.

Cook for strangers. What better time to make baked goods of the sweet OR savory variety—my specialty is cornbread casserole—and deliver to the deserving folks at the fire station, the 911 call center, your mailman?

Board Games. I have a feeling lots of people are doing this already, but go ahead—have a board game night. Invite people.

Talk. I don’t mean family gossip; I mean talk with people you care about, about life. Talk about the best memories of the year, and the worst ones. Be open. Be yourself. Talk.

Seek out an old friend. Even if it’s over the phone, set aside time to catch up with someone you haven’t seen in a long time, who probably doesn’t even know you’re thinking about them.

Give up electronics. Yeah, I know. This is almost impossible these days. But anybody can do it for 24 hours (even me). Shut everything off, unplug, and just hang out. Read, chat, hike, sing—all those things we used to do before the internet.

Have some ideas for holiday traditions you want to add to the list? Please do! Leave your thoughts in comments below, leave a comment on Facebook, or tweet to me!

Holiday Fun or Holiday Torture? 9 Horrible Traditions.

There’s just something about the holiday season that brings out the best, and the worst, in humankind. It’s the season of brotherly love and fights at Walmart, the season of giving and the season of consuming, it’s the season of—well, you get the picture.

Now, it’s entirely possible that you’re one of the wise few who ensconce themselves in Real Family Values and the Things That Matter from November to January (and maybe even the whole year round). But if you live in near any kind of human settlement in this country, chances are you’re surrounded by regular old American holiday revelry, with its strong flavor of commercialism and keeping-up-with-the-Joneses that just might eek its way into your happy marriage.

And how might they do that? By taking over your holiday traditions! There are some things, that if you feel the need to do them, you’re trying too hard. And it’s going to come back to haunt you, when your spouse finally admits defeat and says, “Look. This isn’t working. I can’t handle doing a singing holiday answering machine message with you for one single year more. I’m out.”

To illustrate, I’ve compiled a list of nine holiday traditions to avoid if you know what’s good for your marriage. These nine things are the reindeer turds in the lovely red stocking of your happy home.

The Dreaded Christmas Letter

This one, luckily, has diminished in popularity over time, one thing we can actually thank Facebook for. With the rise of daily updates, there’s now less need to share the family happenings in one long annual digest, because people have already seen the photos from your family vacation and the soccer championships, and they know you got a new puppy because you Instagram it every 2.5 minutes. (I’m not complaining, I love dog photos!) Let’s be honest here, the annual holiday letter made sense when we were living on opposite sides of the country and there were no phones, like in the Little House on the Prairie days, but these days, it has just become a channel for bragging. “My kid won the Science Fair for the 5th grade!” Awesome. “My kid is becoming a child model!” Fine, whatever. “My kid is potty-training! And he’s only 5!” Okay, enough. Please just skip the letter and post Facebook updates like everybody else, so we can all Like your post then Unfollow you. Problem solved.

Matching Holiday Sweaters

I want to be clear about one thing: I have no problem with holiday sweaters on the whole. I actually have a couple. But MATCHING holiday sweaters are something else entirely. The only reason you should ever wear matching clothing to another person is if you’re an identical twin and you’re under 5 and you have no choice in the matter. After that, matching sweaters are just bad form.

Posed Holiday Photos

While we’re on that subject, let’s cover the whole matching-outfits-posed-holiday-photos issue. Do you find yourself arranging an appointment to have an actual photographer come to your home and take photos of you and your family in matching outfits to send out with your holiday letters or post shamelessly on social media? No. This is not necessary. I mean, I get wanting to take a photo of the family once a year, to mark time and for posterity and that sort of thing, and the holidays are an understandable time to want to do that, because everyone’s together. But don’t make everyone dress the same. We’re people, not penguins.

Holiday Shopping in September

Did you start your holiday shopping during the Back to School sales? Some people are organized, I get that. Some people even buy little bits and pieces for people throughout the year, whenever they see something that person might like—and who can argue with that? That’s just thoughtful. But if you actually, seriously, all-systems-go start your Christmas shopping before Halloween, you might be a compulsive shopper and you need to think about having that seen to. Or at least stop telling us about it.

Stockpiling the “It” Toy

This one goes for people who either a) make absolutely sure they have the “coolest toy this season!” well ahead of time whether their kid wants it or not, or b) find out what the cool toy is and buy twenty of them so you can scalp people on eBay. In the first instance, you’re obviously trying to buy your children’s love and/or make them cool, and everyone knows neither of those things is possible to do with mere stuff. And, if you’re in the option b camp, I admire your entrepreneurial initiative, but you really need to put yourself in the shoes of all those parents whose kids have been hounding them for weeks for this ONE STUPID LEGO SET and they can’t find it anywhere for less than four times the RRP, and it’s ultimately going to be a choice between that toy and Christmas dinner. I mean, give other parents a fighting chance. #thanks

Lying to Your Kids about Santa past Age 8

Oooh, controversial topic, this one. How long is it okay to tell your kids Santa is real? Well, I learned the hard way that any kid older than eight—ie. capable of feeling genuinely betrayed by his parents lying to him, person to person—is too old to be lied to about something that doesn’t really matter. Disagree if you must, but once you get to the point where they borderline don’t believe in magic anymore, you really shouldn’t try to force them to. That’s what Scientologists are for.

Making your pets wear holiday-themed outfits

I don’t need to go into detail on this. Putting your dachshund in a Santa outfit is not impressing anyone, it just makes people think about Googling the number for the ASPCA. Don’t do it.

Any kind of “Sexy Santa” outfit

The whole “sexy Santa” costume is one holiday tradition that just never made sense to me. I mean, dressing as a sexed-up version of an old married fat guy/gal? Whose fantasy is that? You may as well dress up as Sexy Donald Trump. (Impossible.) Just avoid this one.

Needing to Have the Biggest Tree

My friend worked at a Christmas tree farm when I was a teenager, and I distinctly recall him telling me that some people would go in demanding the biggest tree we had, without even looking around. Now, there are a few things about this that irked me then, and irk me to this day. First of all, the biggest isn’t necessarily the best. Sometimes the really huge trees were sort of bent, or grew in a weird shape. Secondly, the big trees were really heavy to carry all the way to somebody’s station wagon. And then, about 15% of the time people with the huge trees would literally come back and trade it in for a smaller tree because it was too big for their family room or whatever. Look. Know your limits. Have some appreciation for quality over size. Go buy a fast car. But do not insist on having the biggest tree in the place.

Have something to add, or yell at me about? I heartily welcome both! Leave a comment or Facebook and tweet to me.

Holiday Cookies and Cocktails to See You Through

If you’re not familiar with The Great British Baking Show on Netflix, I will wait for you to log in, binge watch and meet me back here. Go ahead.

… … …

That was great right? Relaxing while somehow still intense, no? It is the perfect show. Friendly competition among supportive, genuinely nice people, interesting challenges, and mountains and mountains of cake. GBBS has been a huge hit in the UK for six seasons, and while we wait patiently for Netflix to add more episodes (hint, hint Netflix), the good people at ABC have decided to give the concept a spin with The Great Holiday Baking Show which just premiered November 30th. Please, please let this be as good spirited as GBBS. Do not let this be another bullet point in the we Americans can’t have nice things list.

In the spirit of sugar and spice and everything nice, and the fact that you need to have cake around if you’re going to watch The Great Holiday Baking Show, I’ve rounded up some treats for you to try. Also alcohol, because holidays. I’ve given them a divorce spin, because I’m me. So swing by Costco or the closest bodega, get several tons of sugar, whip up some treats, invite all your your pals over and pig out.

Credit: Modern Day Moms

First up, how about some Eat Your Feelings Brownies. These brownies contain oreos and chocolate chip cookies, because if you are going to eat your feelings, you should be efficient.

More into nuts, as in your ex-husband was freaking nuts? Then how about some Passive Aggressive Pecan Sandies? You know who was nuts? The guy who divorced Martha Stewart.

Should you have frozen your eggs and waited for a better fella instead of marrying Mitch? Maybe? Who knows. Contemplate the answer over some Frozen Egg(s)nog.

Craving something sofisticato? How about some Alimony Amaretti? You’re going to want that alimony to pay for the pricey almond paste needed to make these.

Nothing says sweet victory like these Full Custody Custard Tarts. One taste of these babies and you’ll be planning a trip with the kids to their Portuguese birthplace. The kids really should see Europe, especially on your ex’s dime.

Celebrate your settlement with these I Got The Boat Banana Boats. These are great for parties because you can make a little fixings bar and everyone can go to town.

If you’re feeling artsy, flex your creative muscles with some Midlife Crisis Cutout Cookies. Any rollout dough will work, as the focus here is the visual. Freehand your cuts outs. Anything from flashy sports cars to motorcycles to 25-year-old tennis instructors will work. The devil is in the details. You really want to get that tennis instructor’s eyes the right color, so take the extra time to get the royal icing shades just right.

Nothing says the holidays like mulled wine. And nothing says getting over a breakup than being drunk on mulled wine. Make this seasonal Glogg which will make the house smell so good, and get tanked.

Finally, some Finally Home Alone Cookies. These classic Irish treats happen to contain nearly every ingredient of the sundae masterpiece created by Kevin inHome Alone. What’s that? Double pun referencing both the film and the satisfied sentiment of a finalized divorce? That’s right, yahtzee!

Ready, set, BAKE!

What Your Thanksgiving Dinner Says about Your Divorce

Ever wondered how normal your Thanksgiving dinner is? Wonder no more! Read on to find our what YOUR Thanksgiving dinner means, whether you're going to be having classic roast turkey or leftover Halloween candy. 

Treat Yo Self! Make the Most of Black Friday, Small Biz Saturday, Cyber Monday & Giving Tuesday

‘Tis the season to go shopping. But, while you’re taking advantage of all the post-Thanksgiving deals, don’t forget about yourself. Absolutely focus a lot of energy on picking out the perfect pair of argyle socks for your dad who will never actually wear them because they are “too nice,” but do not forget to take some time to focus on you.

Maybe you got divorced this year. Maybe you went through a terrible custody battle. Maybe you just barely made it through the year without any major emergency room visits.

Whatever your year was like, you got through it and hooray for you! You deserve a treat. I’ve got some ideas for you newly, or nearly-newly, divorced troopers out there. So, let the wise words of Tom and Donna echo in your head, and treat yo self!

To start, how about this perfect mug to let the world know you mean business.

Want to look fly? Look no further than this “I told my therapist about you” t-shirt“ as featured on Lisa Rinna. You have to have it because when you wear it you can say, “I’m sure you’re familiar with this t-shirt, as it was featured on Lisa Rinna.” You know my adoration for all things #RealHousewives. Another option is this excellent “I’m not with stupid anymore” shirt which can let people know you’ve gotten rid of the dead weight in your life, without you having to actually tell them.  

What about a permanent treat in the form of a tattoo? But not a terrible one. This is not the time for dolphins kissing in the shape of a heart. Pick something meaningful that you’re not going to hate in a month.

Maybe you need to get some aggression out, so how about this voodoo dollof your ex to stick pins in. I’m pretty sure this one isn’t authentic so no need to worry about a Teen Witch situation. For a simpler stress reliever, how about this giant roll of bubble wrap that you can pop to your heart’s content.

Maybe you want to get intellectual this holiday season. Or better yet, get “intellectual” with this Discover Your Animal Spirit Guide meditation CD, because this is the perfect time to explore your ~spiritual side~.

Are you made of money? Spend it on this $500 box of chocolates featured on Oprah’s Favorite Things list because don’t we all want to know what $500 worth of chocolate looks like up close? Still got money to burn? How about this crazy fancy pen, because now you’ve got the time and energy to write the next great American novel.

If you’re looking for more reasonably priced sweets, look no further thanWhimsy & Spice, a Brooklyn based confectionery that doesn’t sell chocolates for half a grand, but the cookies and marshmallows sure taste like a million bucks. 

Looking for a project? How about having your wedding ring made into a different piece of jewelry, like a pendant or earrings. This kind of up-cycling is a great idea if you can’t bear the thought of wearing your wedding ring anymore, but don’t want to waste it either. You can collaborate on a design with your favorite local jeweler, or have them come up with concepts for you. 

Looking to be cheered up year round? This great flower delivery servicemight do the trick to brighten up your new place, or newly empty place.

Need to unwind? Take yourself out for a spa day. Or create one at home with a Lush Bath Set, and then hire a cleaning crew to scrub your tub after you glitter bomb the crap out of it.

Looking to feel good by giving back to others? Support your favorite charity by making a donation. If you need help choosing, Charity Navigator andCharity Watch can help. Or volunteer! Thanksgiving is a great time to get involved with your local food banks and shelters. If you don’t know how to get started, try Volunteer Match which can help pair you with a great cause. If you’re New York City based, another great resource is NYC Service.

Whatever you choose to spoil yourself with, remember you deserve it becauseholy fudge 2015 was nuts. Be kind to yourself, and remember…

TREAT YO SELF: MAKE THE MOST OF BLACK FRIDAY, SMALL BUSINESS SATURDAY, CYBER MONDAY AND GIVING TUESDAY

James J. Sexton, Esq. | November 25, 2015 | Child Custody, Christmas, Divorce,Divorce & Separation, Hanukkah, Holiday, Thanksgiving | No Comments

‘Tis the season to go shopping. But, while you’re taking advantage of all the post-Thanksgiving deals, don’t forget about yourself. Absolutely focus a lot of energy on picking out the perfect pair of argyle socks for your dad who will never actually wear them because they are “too nice,” but do not forget to take some time to focus on you.

Maybe you got divorced this year. Maybe you went through a terrible custody battle. Maybe you just barely made it through the year without any major emergency room visits.

Whatever your year was like, you got through it and hooray for you! You deserve a treat. I’ve got some ideas for you newly, or nearly-newly, divorced troopers out there. So, let the wise words of Tom and Donna echo in your head, and treat yo self!

via GIPHY

To start, how about this perfect mug to let the world know you mean business.

Want to look fly? Look no further than this “I told my therapist about you” t-shirt“ as featured on Lisa Rinna. You have to have it because when you wear it you can say, “I’m sure you’re familiar with this t-shirt, as it was featured on Lisa Rinna.” You know my adoration for all things #RealHousewives. Another option is this excellent “I’m not with stupid anymore” shirt which can let people know you’ve gotten rid of the dead weight in your life, without you having to actually tell them.  

What about a permanent treat in the form of a tattoo? But not a terrible one. This is not the time for dolphins kissing in the shape of a heart. Pick something meaningful that you’re not going to hate in a month.

Maybe you need to get some aggression out, so how about this voodoo dollof your ex to stick pins in. I’m pretty sure this one isn’t authentic so no need to worry about a Teen Witch situation. For a simpler stress reliever, how about this giant roll of bubble wrap that you can pop to your heart’s content.

Maybe you want to get intellectual this holiday season. Or better yet, get “intellectual” with this Discover Your Animal Spirit Guide meditation CD, because this is the perfect time to explore your ~spiritual side~.

Are you made of money? Spend it on this $500 box of chocolates featured on Oprah’s Favorite Things list because don’t we all want to know what $500 worth of chocolate looks like up close? Still got money to burn? How about this crazy fancy pen, because now you’ve got the time and energy to write the next great American novel.

If you’re looking for more reasonably priced sweets, look no further thanWhimsy & Spice, a Brooklyn based confectionery that doesn’t sell chocolates for half a grand, but the cookies and marshmallows sure taste like a million bucks. 

Looking for a project? How about having your wedding ring made into a different piece of jewelry, like a pendant or earrings. This kind of up-cycling is a great idea if you can’t bear the thought of wearing your wedding ring anymore, but don’t want to waste it either. You can collaborate on a design with your favorite local jeweler, or have them come up with concepts for you.  

Looking to be cheered up year round? This great flower delivery servicemight do the trick to brighten up your new place, or newly empty place.

Need to unwind? Take yourself out for a spa day. Or create one at home with a Lush Bath Set, and then hire a cleaning crew to scrub your tub after you glitter bomb the crap out of it.

Looking to feel good by giving back to others? Support your favorite charity by making a donation. If you need help choosing, Charity Navigator andCharity Watch can help. Or volunteer! Thanksgiving is a great time to get involved with your local food banks and shelters. If you don’t know how to get started, try Volunteer Match which can help pair you with a great cause. If you’re New York City based, another great resource is NYC Service.

Whatever you choose to spoil yourself with, remember you deserve it because holy fudge 2015 was nuts. Be kind to yourself!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

15 Tips to Avoid Holiday Depression

Tis the season for crippling depression! Ho ho ho? Holidays are rough in normal circumstances, but if this is your first holiday season as a divorcee, stress and loneliness can certainly compound. I’ve rounded up some tips to get you out of the dumps and into the metaphorical light, gallons of whiskey not even necessary.

Are you listening to too much Adele? You might actually be in a pretty good mood but you’ve had 25 on repeat since November, and thus you’ve succumbed to Adelitis. Adelitis’s symptoms include: uncontrollable crying, sassy hand motions, flawless eyeliner, and a cockney accent. Does this sound like you?Shut off the Adele. Instead, listen to this. Get up and dance to it, you know you want to.

Exercise. Endorphins are real, man. Jogging, yoga, hiking, ultra marathons, or whatever you’re into could really help bolster your mood. Plus it’s good for the rest of your body as well. And if you get started now, you can take advantage of your currently empty gym before it fills up with new year’s resolution-ers. If you want to add a release for pent up hostility (toward your ex, the Judge, or even your lawyer if you’ve hired someone other than me) consider kickboxing, boxing, karate or (my personal favorite) Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

Have you tried meditating? It might feel silly at first, but the benefits are huge. There are lots of different practices to choose from, but I recommend Transcendental Meditation, and not just because David Lynch is the coolest. Do you need to spend a grand to get your TM mantra? No. Can you use this internet guide instead? Yes.

Are you a responsible person who is ready to make a life-long commitment to someone who cannot divorce you and is scientifically proven to be good for your heart? Well, I’ve got just the ticket. Adopt a shelter dog or cat. Welcoming dogs into my family has been one of the best decisions of my life. They’re cute, fiercely loyal, life affirming and destroy household items in ways I never knew possible. Pull up Petfinder and don’t stop scrolling until you find your new best friend.

Take yourself on a date, or as I like to call it, a Solo-Yolo. Indulge for an afternoon. Take yourself for a fancy lunch, a movie your friends refuse to sit through, or wander around a gallery at your own pace. Do whatever it is that makes you deep sigh with joy. If you’ve got the cash and time off from work, extend the solo-yolo into a full fledged vacation.

What did you like to do after school when you were little? Piano, ballet, drawing classes? Whatever hobby brought you joy as a youngin’ can bring you fun and fulfillment again. Check out local sports leagues, peruse Course Horse, or just ask around. You’ll end up meeting new people and expressing your creativity at the same time. If you’re not feeling social – consider jigsaw puzzles. There’s something almost hypnotic about doing puzzles as an adult and when you finish there’s a tremendous feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. Try it. You’ll see.

Take a walk, preferably in daylight. SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is real and there are lots of ways to combat it, but my favorite is the simple act of taking a brisk walk at lunchtime. The fresh air will do you good, as will the vitamin D.

Cook yourself something nice. Little else can make you feel more competent and successful than turning a bag of groceries into a meal. Find a recipe that interests you, turn on some 60s soul and get ready to turn your mood around. If possible make extra. The leftovers are often the best part.

Skip the holiday cards. There is no feeling more liberating than saying “oh, screw it” in the stationery aisle of Target. Odds are your friends and family won’t notice yours is missing in their giants stacks of glittered firs and chubby angels. If anyone calls you out, just cover. Blame the post office, everyone hates the post office, then you can bond over hating the post office and deftly steer the conversation elsewhere.

Chill the heck out, but go big or go home. I’m talking many, many scented candles, a bubble bath so foamy your bathroom looks like Ibiza, a bottle of wine with a price tag that makes you wince, and your favorite holiday movie queued up on a tablet perched on the edge of the tub.

Leave the party. Leave and don’t look back. Peel out of the driveway so fast you burn rubber. Life is too short to be someplace you don’t want to be (unless you’re getting paid for being there).

Get into the holiday spirit, but on your own terms. Does shattering a dozen ornaments sound more fun than decorating a tree? Go for it. Do you want to bypass strolling along the holiday window displays and go straight for the hot chocolate containing no less than 750 calories? Go for it. Do you want to skip the lines at the mall and watch Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit and eat Chinese food instead? Go for it.

Give back and help yourself by helping others. Volunteering is not only important for your community, it also gives you some perspective and can be a great place for meeting like-minded new friends. The sense of accomplishment and self worth that comes with helping others is immeasurable. Check out Volunteer Match to get started.

Let your support system in. You don’t have to trudge through this alone. Share your feelings with your friends or family or whomever it is you trust. Open up to them, be vulnerable and let them support you. You’ll repay the favor when the shoe’s on the other foot.

Therapy. An old classic for a reason. Talking about your feelings and working through your issues is an important part of life. If there’s a medical professional helping you through it, as opposed to your friend Todd who’s half listening, you’ve got a really good chance of getting somewhere. There’s no shame in getting help and you’ll probably kick yourself for not going earlier.

Listen, the holidays are hard. Getting out of a funk is one thing, but if the blues turn into something more, there are so many services that can help. There is nothing to be ashamed of and there are people who can help. Keep a note of these numbers, and share them around because you never know who may need them. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK (8255)) and the National Hopeline Network (1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)) are both toll-free and available 24 hours a day. Calls are free and confidential.

The sun will rise again, the ice will melt, the flowers will bloom. Just cool it on the Adele and be kind to yourself. Happy holidays!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton