Get Divorced Like a Real Housewife

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As I’m sure you already know, the seventh season of the masterpiece Real Housewives of New York (#RHONY to those in the know) premieres this evening on Bravo.

Perhaps it surprises you that this is one of my favorite shows. Hardly a guilty pleasure, I have watched Real Housewives for five glorious years of pinot-drinking, catfighting madness. It bespeaks my values with gems like “I was so mad I almost ran her down in my Ferrari” and “I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now.” Oh, and classic wisdom: “You work hard, you give a lot of love, and you end up at the White House.” Words to live by.

The Real Housewives have also done their part to keep my industry afloat, with a whopping 33% of the couples on the show getting divorced, and no end in sight. And they do it with style - if you think you’ve got divorce figured out, you don’t. The RHONY wives are the people you want to take notes from. Here’s how to get divorced like they do.*

  1. Leading up to your divorce, air your dirty laundry to anybody who will listen.

  2. Get plastic surgery as a coping mechanism.

  3. Get drunk, get loud, and storm out of a restaurant.

  4. Put on a lot of mascara and then cry on someone’s shirt.

  5. Go to a club.

  6. Go to the Hamptons to blow off steam. Throw something at someone there.

  7. Date someone old (with money).

  8. Date someone fat (with money).

  9. Date someone who doesn’t have money and then giggle about it over cocktails.

  10. After your divorce, write a book in which you air your dirty laundry to anybody who will read it.

  11. Go to a club.

  12. Develop adult-onset asthma so that people will pay attention to you.

  13. Be loudly and self-righteously offended AT ANYONE AT ANY TIME. It’s your right.

  14. Sue someone for a book they’re writing that makes allusions to your dirty laundry.

  15. Have a lot of “turtle time”.*

  16. Make up a catch phrase that doesn’t work, because you’re middle-aged.

  17. Tell people to “be cool.”

  18. Go to a club.

  19. Flirt inappropriately.

  20. Consider having another baby.

Right, time for me to break out the Kit Kats and SkinnyGirl Sweet’Rita, RHONY is waiting. Mazel tov.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton