Spring Clean Your Crappy Life

In my capacity as your friendly neighborhood divorce attorney, I just want to extend my encouragement and support as we all emerge from the depths of winter and our collective sweatpants phase, into the light of day! Spring is now fully upon us, and excuses have run out for not getting our proverbial sh*t together. In the spirit of Spring renewal and fresh beginnings, I offer you the following.

You’re not fat, you’re just well-rested.

Much like the bears of the forest, you have had a nice long rest during the winter months, and you have grown extra cuddly in the process. Drag yourself out of the cave, my friend, and onto a treadmill.

“Snooze” is only okay the first three times.

Short winter days make it nigh impossible to get out of bed before 9 am, but those dark times are gone. Try setting the alarm for 7, or maybe even 6! Have a power shake for breakfast! Do a sit-up! But whatever you do, do not hit snooze again.

Get a mentor, role model or anyone else you can annoy with admiration and mild stalking.*

My first suggestion for a role model for anyone is always Gwyneth Paltrow, especially if you need inspiration in the form of expensive candles or "conscious" anything. Failing that, I recommend your mailman and/or your high school gym teacher.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, (WO)MAN!

Clean behind the toilet. Brush your hair. I don’t think I need to explain this one. You know who you are.

Get divorced!

This is where I come in. Frankly I’m more productive now than any other time of the year, so you should really get in there while the getting’s good. And as we all know, spring is the best season to get divorced; you’ll have the whole summer to get over it before next year’s winter self-reflection period comes around.

Let’s face it, your life could be a lot less crappy. I urge you to move forward and into spring with a spring (heh) in your step! Sweep out the cobwebs, folks, and with them, your crappy spouse.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

*Fine print: Stalking is not something I seriously advise. I stand by everything else.