10 Reasons Not to Make a New Year's Resolution

As January 1 begins to loom on the horizon, I always find myself amazed and confused about the rampant resolution-ing that goes on at this time of year. Okay, so I’ve made some resolutions myself—many years ago—but it only took me a few January rebound weight-gains and February head-hanging moments to realize:

New Year’s Resolutions don’t work!

Luckily for me, I’m no longer just that Scroogey guy at the New Year’s Eve party rolling his eyes at your fun, because I am now backed up by SCIENCE. (Yes, I am now that Scroogey guy self-importantly rolling his eyes at your fun because I was right.)

Here are the science-backed reasons why you are going to be exactly the same person on January 1st that you were on December 31st (and that’s no bad thing).

The number one New Year’s Resolution: “Lose weight.” This was true in 2015 and has probably been true for the last twenty years at least. This is also the thing we’re least likely to be able to achieve based on a quick promise to ourselves, because it’s a hugely psychological thing. It requires lifestyle changes—not promises.

There’s nobody to enforce it. In ancient Babylon, people made New Year’s resolutions with the understanding that the gods would punish them if they didn’t keep their end of the deal. Nowadays, we just go “Eh, well, I’ll just have this one slice of pie” and nobody smites us at all. Problem.

Only 8% of people are successful in keeping their resolutions. Okay, so SOME people do keep their resolutions, but your chances of keeping it are pretty low … so why make one at all? Right???

75% of New Year’s Resolutions are kept for the first week or less. That’s right—there’s a 75% chance you won’t even make it to Week 2.

Of people who achieve their resolution, only 14% of those are over 50. So if you’re over 50, you have an overall 1.12% chance of success. People over 50, DO NOT MAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS. You’re just giving yourself a reason to berate yourself, instead of enjoying some more delicious pie.

You’re being unrealistic. Another reason people fail, according to Dr. Avya Sharma, is that people set unrealistic goals. Instead of setting boring, concrete goals like “return that bike I borrowed” or “buy some dish soap,” people ask their future selves for things they can’t possibly deliver based on the person they actually are at this point in time.

24% of people fail … every. Single. Year. And they just keep making resolutions, apparently. This cannot be good for the soul.

It’s a substitute for actual change. Timothy Pychl, a professor of psychology at Carleton University in Canada, says that resolutions are a way for our whole culture to procrastinate en masse. It’s a sort of Let’s Pretend to Improve Ourselves game: everybody knows everyone else is going to fail, yet we congratulate each other for making a resolution, feel like we’re doing something good, and then and help each other brush it off afterwards, to make sure we all know it’s okay we didn’t actually do it. In other words, New Year’s Resolutions aren’t really resolutions at all.

One day isn’t enough time or reason to change. One thing research has shown repeatedly is that by trying to get yourself not to do something, you automatically place it centrally in your mind, increasing your chances of wanting to do it. Making big changes requires that you literally create new neural pathways that allow you to make different decisions. And unfortunately you can’t just snap your fingers and create new neural pathways: again, it takes time. It requires literally thinking differently—over and over and over again—until that becomes the new normal. (And it’s probably not easily done with a New Year’s hangover, either.)

Resolutions can actually KEEP you from doing something good for yourself. Because the act of making a resolution sort of halfway seems like you’re doing something, depending on how long you last, it can make you feel temporarily better. That keeps your guilt at bay, which keeps you from addressing the bigger issues that you will have to face if you want to make any lasting changes.

Much like “Puppies aren’t just for Christmas,” resolutions aren’t just for New Year’s. In fact, why not just enjoy New Year for all the lovely revelry it entails, let the peer pressure to make a resolution pass … and then once everyone else is falling off their resolution wagon mid-January, think through what’s important to you, and set some small, concrete, realistic steps for reaching your goals in life. It doesn’t have to happen all in one leap.

And be glad: the year will change, but you will be the same fabulous person you are now, come midnight on January 1st, 2016.

Happy New Year, everyone!!

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Sources:
http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wired-success/201412/why-people-cant-keep-their-new-years-resolutions

9 Classic Holidays Movies to Express Your Dysfunctional Family

If the feverish pace of the holiday season has you feeling like you’re stuck in a thunderdome with your family as opposed to soaking up quality time with your family, you might just be nearing the end of your rope by now. Maybe I’m wrong and you’re in one of those Leave It To Beaver families, all cuddled up together on the couch, in front of a fire, taking turns reading aloud from Dickens. Maybe Aunt Shirley’s making her famous peppermint hot chocolate and your younger brother Ricky is upstairs changing into a Santa costume to delight all the children. Even Patrick, your regal golden retriever is in on the fun, wearing a set of reindeer antlers on his head and a big red satiny bow around his neck, prancing around majestically like he’s one of those fancy Instagram dogs. If this sounds like your family, this post is not for you.

If alternatively, your Aunt Peg has had too much sherry and is confessing her one true love was her college roommate Denise and that your Uncle Henry never “touches her as a woman should be touched anymore;” or if your mom brought her new boyfriend to dinner and you finally place his familiar face as the little boy you used to babysit in the early 90s; or if your family is nowhere in sight and you’re really bonding with the whiskey bottle you’ve nicknamed dad while you anxiously await your Seamless delivery, then you’ve come to the right place.

To all the damaged products of dysfunctional families, this post is for you. You don’t know what caroling around the neighborhood as a family feels like, but you sure as heck know the solace a dark closet can provide when your older brother and dad are going at it again over dropping out of college. The weirdos, the freaks, the goths, the misunderstood, gather ye round, for it’s time to indulge in some holiday films made for us, the broken ones.

Leave Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer to the normals and instead, enjoy these holiday movies starring your brethren, the dysfunctional family, described below as they should be, by jumping on the #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly train.

Home Alone
A young boy’s negligent parents were pressured by society and the Catholic Church to have more children than they can keep track of, and forget one of those children at home when leaving for a family vacation. The child left at home must protect the family’s honor and worldly possessions from burglars in this examination of the seedy underbelly of Chicago’s suburbs in the early 90s.

A Christmas Story
As the specter of nuclear war with the USSR looms, a young boy schemes to arm himself with a gun by any means necessary, including desperately trying to persuade an aging deity of western consumerism.

Elf
After being lied to his whole life, a middle aged man is exiled from his isolated village and the only family he has ever known. We follow the immigrant’s journey to New York as he faces severe hardships and fails to assimilate into American culture.

The Family Stone
Cultures collide as Republicans and Democrats clash over a Christmas holiday in this sobering commentary on the political divide in modern America.

 

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
Promises of change and declarations of love prove to be lies when a family loses track of their child again, this time in pre-Giuliani New York City.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Though it is never discussed, over the course of two decades, a midwestern family’s children don’t age yet their appearances change drastically. One Christmas the patriarch of the family goes to unusual extremes to collect his holiday bonus, as he remains convinced money can buy happiness.

Christmas With The Kranks
Evil befalls a family that dares to turn its back on Christmas, thus proving Santa is more powerful than god himself. The Kranks are bullied, guilted and manipulated back into celebrating, because autonomy is outlawed, and they live in fear forever.

The Ref
A cat burglar is the real victim of a Connecticut couple’s crumbling marriage.

Four Christmases
Two spoiled city dwellers reckon with their pasts in this unflinching commentary on the divorce epidemic in America.

Have another favorite “complicated family” film to add? Let’s here it! Leave a Comment below, on Facebook, or catch us on Twitter!

Presents for Your Ex: A Gift Guide

Not everyone totally hates their ex-spouse. Shocking, I know! If you are in that (tiny) minority, you might be brainstorming holiday gifts right about now. You want your gift to be appropriate — not too extravagant or intimate, but also not too impersonal. The best way to strike that balance is of course through humor. I’ve rounded up a couple ideas if you’re stumped.

When you broke up, did your ex-wife’s personal anthem become Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together?” Why not commemorate that special time with this lyric art so she can look at it, chuckle, shake her head and say, “Too true, Taylor. Too true.”

Looking for more than just lyrics? Well here you go. Oh yeah, the Taylor Swift fan art community is expansive and it is emotional.

Not into Taylor? (Are you hearing impaired or something?) Fair enough. How about something to really jazz up the former love of your life’s cubical? Look no further than this world’s greatest ex-husband mug.

Do you guys have the kind of playful relationship where you can look back and laugh about all the never ending arguments and screaming matches you’ve had over the years? Then this tasteful candle flipping the bird might be the gift for you.

Did you read how Kaley Cuoco covered her wedding tattoo with a giant mothafter filing for divorce? Yes, a moth. Don’t give your ex a moth tattoo gift certificate. Instead, go with this nonpermanent happily divorced sticker. You’re not going to have to get a sticker lasered off your neck.

Worried your former ball and chain isn’t really working through his feelings? What better gift to help him get those cathartic tears flowing than Adele’s new album 25?

Speaking of British musicians, The Beatles said “all you need is love.” Boy did those billionaires get it wrong. Love fades. You know what doesn’t? Pizza. Express that wise sentiment with this love fades, pizza Is forever t-shirt.

I don’t know how to properly preface this one but here is a tiny coffin for your wedding rings. You can, I don’t know, bury it? Or display it? I’m not really sure what the endgame is for this gift, but it’s available for purchase if you want it.  There was a company, for many years, that would melt your wedding ring down and turn it into a working bullet (GodDammo was their name).  They went out of business a few years ago. I can’t imagine why.

Odds are, god willing, you’re no longer living together. To celebrate that, a great housewarming gift is some cleansing sage. Your ex can smudge and cleanse to their heart’s content and start with a fresh, clean slate in their new place, all thanks to you (I guess in more ways than one).

Finally, what better gift than a person to replace you? Splash out the big bucks and buy your ex a Match.com or eHarmony subscription. If you’re on good enough terms you can help your ex write his or her profile. Then maybe get one for yourself, because why not.  Just remember, I do prenups too.  

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

8 New Holiday Traditions to Start This Year

One of the tough things about this time of year is that if you’ve been through any kind of personal upheaval involving family, the holidays are a big reminder of how much has changed. You’re in a different place now than you were when you were married … and while that can be depressing, it also can be great.

You may not be psyched to reinvent the past or relive old memories, and that’s totally fine. This is a great time of year to invent NEW traditions. After all, after divorce, values can shift. Maybe “what really matters” is something different to you now.

What I’d like to see are more holiday traditions that are calming, and non-commercial; that you can do on your own, or with a group, with a lot of value either way; that you can start doing regardless of whether you’re married, divorced, single, widowed, or what have you.

Here are my ideas.

Walk in the woods. Was is Thoreau who said, “An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day”? Appreciating a walk in the beauty of nature is a great thing to do on your own, and also a great gift to share. Better than a pair of socks, in my book.

Help someone in need. Make it a holiday tradition to give your time, support or resources to someone who needs them. In NYC, for example, we have theNeighborhood Coalition for Shelter who are always taking donations (especially) around the holidays.

Do a Winter Clear–Out. The small break I take at holiday time is often partly spent going through the house, organizing things, and separating out what I don’t need to give to charity. This is satisfying on many levels.

Cook for strangers. What better time to make baked goods of the sweet OR savory variety—my specialty is cornbread casserole—and deliver to the deserving folks at the fire station, the 911 call center, your mailman?

Board Games. I have a feeling lots of people are doing this already, but go ahead—have a board game night. Invite people.

Talk. I don’t mean family gossip; I mean talk with people you care about, about life. Talk about the best memories of the year, and the worst ones. Be open. Be yourself. Talk.

Seek out an old friend. Even if it’s over the phone, set aside time to catch up with someone you haven’t seen in a long time, who probably doesn’t even know you’re thinking about them.

Give up electronics. Yeah, I know. This is almost impossible these days. But anybody can do it for 24 hours (even me). Shut everything off, unplug, and just hang out. Read, chat, hike, sing—all those things we used to do before the internet.

Have some ideas for holiday traditions you want to add to the list? Please do! Leave your thoughts in comments below, leave a comment on Facebook, or tweet to me!

Holiday Fun or Holiday Torture? 9 Horrible Traditions.

There’s just something about the holiday season that brings out the best, and the worst, in humankind. It’s the season of brotherly love and fights at Walmart, the season of giving and the season of consuming, it’s the season of—well, you get the picture.

Now, it’s entirely possible that you’re one of the wise few who ensconce themselves in Real Family Values and the Things That Matter from November to January (and maybe even the whole year round). But if you live in near any kind of human settlement in this country, chances are you’re surrounded by regular old American holiday revelry, with its strong flavor of commercialism and keeping-up-with-the-Joneses that just might eek its way into your happy marriage.

And how might they do that? By taking over your holiday traditions! There are some things, that if you feel the need to do them, you’re trying too hard. And it’s going to come back to haunt you, when your spouse finally admits defeat and says, “Look. This isn’t working. I can’t handle doing a singing holiday answering machine message with you for one single year more. I’m out.”

To illustrate, I’ve compiled a list of nine holiday traditions to avoid if you know what’s good for your marriage. These nine things are the reindeer turds in the lovely red stocking of your happy home.

The Dreaded Christmas Letter

This one, luckily, has diminished in popularity over time, one thing we can actually thank Facebook for. With the rise of daily updates, there’s now less need to share the family happenings in one long annual digest, because people have already seen the photos from your family vacation and the soccer championships, and they know you got a new puppy because you Instagram it every 2.5 minutes. (I’m not complaining, I love dog photos!) Let’s be honest here, the annual holiday letter made sense when we were living on opposite sides of the country and there were no phones, like in the Little House on the Prairie days, but these days, it has just become a channel for bragging. “My kid won the Science Fair for the 5th grade!” Awesome. “My kid is becoming a child model!” Fine, whatever. “My kid is potty-training! And he’s only 5!” Okay, enough. Please just skip the letter and post Facebook updates like everybody else, so we can all Like your post then Unfollow you. Problem solved.

Matching Holiday Sweaters

I want to be clear about one thing: I have no problem with holiday sweaters on the whole. I actually have a couple. But MATCHING holiday sweaters are something else entirely. The only reason you should ever wear matching clothing to another person is if you’re an identical twin and you’re under 5 and you have no choice in the matter. After that, matching sweaters are just bad form.

Posed Holiday Photos

While we’re on that subject, let’s cover the whole matching-outfits-posed-holiday-photos issue. Do you find yourself arranging an appointment to have an actual photographer come to your home and take photos of you and your family in matching outfits to send out with your holiday letters or post shamelessly on social media? No. This is not necessary. I mean, I get wanting to take a photo of the family once a year, to mark time and for posterity and that sort of thing, and the holidays are an understandable time to want to do that, because everyone’s together. But don’t make everyone dress the same. We’re people, not penguins.

Holiday Shopping in September

Did you start your holiday shopping during the Back to School sales? Some people are organized, I get that. Some people even buy little bits and pieces for people throughout the year, whenever they see something that person might like—and who can argue with that? That’s just thoughtful. But if you actually, seriously, all-systems-go start your Christmas shopping before Halloween, you might be a compulsive shopper and you need to think about having that seen to. Or at least stop telling us about it.

Stockpiling the “It” Toy

This one goes for people who either a) make absolutely sure they have the “coolest toy this season!” well ahead of time whether their kid wants it or not, or b) find out what the cool toy is and buy twenty of them so you can scalp people on eBay. In the first instance, you’re obviously trying to buy your children’s love and/or make them cool, and everyone knows neither of those things is possible to do with mere stuff. And, if you’re in the option b camp, I admire your entrepreneurial initiative, but you really need to put yourself in the shoes of all those parents whose kids have been hounding them for weeks for this ONE STUPID LEGO SET and they can’t find it anywhere for less than four times the RRP, and it’s ultimately going to be a choice between that toy and Christmas dinner. I mean, give other parents a fighting chance. #thanks

Lying to Your Kids about Santa past Age 8

Oooh, controversial topic, this one. How long is it okay to tell your kids Santa is real? Well, I learned the hard way that any kid older than eight—ie. capable of feeling genuinely betrayed by his parents lying to him, person to person—is too old to be lied to about something that doesn’t really matter. Disagree if you must, but once you get to the point where they borderline don’t believe in magic anymore, you really shouldn’t try to force them to. That’s what Scientologists are for.

Making your pets wear holiday-themed outfits

I don’t need to go into detail on this. Putting your dachshund in a Santa outfit is not impressing anyone, it just makes people think about Googling the number for the ASPCA. Don’t do it.

Any kind of “Sexy Santa” outfit

The whole “sexy Santa” costume is one holiday tradition that just never made sense to me. I mean, dressing as a sexed-up version of an old married fat guy/gal? Whose fantasy is that? You may as well dress up as Sexy Donald Trump. (Impossible.) Just avoid this one.

Needing to Have the Biggest Tree

My friend worked at a Christmas tree farm when I was a teenager, and I distinctly recall him telling me that some people would go in demanding the biggest tree we had, without even looking around. Now, there are a few things about this that irked me then, and irk me to this day. First of all, the biggest isn’t necessarily the best. Sometimes the really huge trees were sort of bent, or grew in a weird shape. Secondly, the big trees were really heavy to carry all the way to somebody’s station wagon. And then, about 15% of the time people with the huge trees would literally come back and trade it in for a smaller tree because it was too big for their family room or whatever. Look. Know your limits. Have some appreciation for quality over size. Go buy a fast car. But do not insist on having the biggest tree in the place.

Have something to add, or yell at me about? I heartily welcome both! Leave a comment or Facebook and tweet to me.

Holiday Cookies and Cocktails to See You Through

If you’re not familiar with The Great British Baking Show on Netflix, I will wait for you to log in, binge watch and meet me back here. Go ahead.

… … …

That was great right? Relaxing while somehow still intense, no? It is the perfect show. Friendly competition among supportive, genuinely nice people, interesting challenges, and mountains and mountains of cake. GBBS has been a huge hit in the UK for six seasons, and while we wait patiently for Netflix to add more episodes (hint, hint Netflix), the good people at ABC have decided to give the concept a spin with The Great Holiday Baking Show which just premiered November 30th. Please, please let this be as good spirited as GBBS. Do not let this be another bullet point in the we Americans can’t have nice things list.

In the spirit of sugar and spice and everything nice, and the fact that you need to have cake around if you’re going to watch The Great Holiday Baking Show, I’ve rounded up some treats for you to try. Also alcohol, because holidays. I’ve given them a divorce spin, because I’m me. So swing by Costco or the closest bodega, get several tons of sugar, whip up some treats, invite all your your pals over and pig out.

Credit: Modern Day Moms

First up, how about some Eat Your Feelings Brownies. These brownies contain oreos and chocolate chip cookies, because if you are going to eat your feelings, you should be efficient.

More into nuts, as in your ex-husband was freaking nuts? Then how about some Passive Aggressive Pecan Sandies? You know who was nuts? The guy who divorced Martha Stewart.

Should you have frozen your eggs and waited for a better fella instead of marrying Mitch? Maybe? Who knows. Contemplate the answer over some Frozen Egg(s)nog.

Craving something sofisticato? How about some Alimony Amaretti? You’re going to want that alimony to pay for the pricey almond paste needed to make these.

Nothing says sweet victory like these Full Custody Custard Tarts. One taste of these babies and you’ll be planning a trip with the kids to their Portuguese birthplace. The kids really should see Europe, especially on your ex’s dime.

Celebrate your settlement with these I Got The Boat Banana Boats. These are great for parties because you can make a little fixings bar and everyone can go to town.

If you’re feeling artsy, flex your creative muscles with some Midlife Crisis Cutout Cookies. Any rollout dough will work, as the focus here is the visual. Freehand your cuts outs. Anything from flashy sports cars to motorcycles to 25-year-old tennis instructors will work. The devil is in the details. You really want to get that tennis instructor’s eyes the right color, so take the extra time to get the royal icing shades just right.

Nothing says the holidays like mulled wine. And nothing says getting over a breakup than being drunk on mulled wine. Make this seasonal Glogg which will make the house smell so good, and get tanked.

Finally, some Finally Home Alone Cookies. These classic Irish treats happen to contain nearly every ingredient of the sundae masterpiece created by Kevin inHome Alone. What’s that? Double pun referencing both the film and the satisfied sentiment of a finalized divorce? That’s right, yahtzee!

Ready, set, BAKE!

15 Tips to Avoid Holiday Depression

Tis the season for crippling depression! Ho ho ho? Holidays are rough in normal circumstances, but if this is your first holiday season as a divorcee, stress and loneliness can certainly compound. I’ve rounded up some tips to get you out of the dumps and into the metaphorical light, gallons of whiskey not even necessary.

Are you listening to too much Adele? You might actually be in a pretty good mood but you’ve had 25 on repeat since November, and thus you’ve succumbed to Adelitis. Adelitis’s symptoms include: uncontrollable crying, sassy hand motions, flawless eyeliner, and a cockney accent. Does this sound like you?Shut off the Adele. Instead, listen to this. Get up and dance to it, you know you want to.

Exercise. Endorphins are real, man. Jogging, yoga, hiking, ultra marathons, or whatever you’re into could really help bolster your mood. Plus it’s good for the rest of your body as well. And if you get started now, you can take advantage of your currently empty gym before it fills up with new year’s resolution-ers. If you want to add a release for pent up hostility (toward your ex, the Judge, or even your lawyer if you’ve hired someone other than me) consider kickboxing, boxing, karate or (my personal favorite) Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

Have you tried meditating? It might feel silly at first, but the benefits are huge. There are lots of different practices to choose from, but I recommend Transcendental Meditation, and not just because David Lynch is the coolest. Do you need to spend a grand to get your TM mantra? No. Can you use this internet guide instead? Yes.

Are you a responsible person who is ready to make a life-long commitment to someone who cannot divorce you and is scientifically proven to be good for your heart? Well, I’ve got just the ticket. Adopt a shelter dog or cat. Welcoming dogs into my family has been one of the best decisions of my life. They’re cute, fiercely loyal, life affirming and destroy household items in ways I never knew possible. Pull up Petfinder and don’t stop scrolling until you find your new best friend.

Take yourself on a date, or as I like to call it, a Solo-Yolo. Indulge for an afternoon. Take yourself for a fancy lunch, a movie your friends refuse to sit through, or wander around a gallery at your own pace. Do whatever it is that makes you deep sigh with joy. If you’ve got the cash and time off from work, extend the solo-yolo into a full fledged vacation.

What did you like to do after school when you were little? Piano, ballet, drawing classes? Whatever hobby brought you joy as a youngin’ can bring you fun and fulfillment again. Check out local sports leagues, peruse Course Horse, or just ask around. You’ll end up meeting new people and expressing your creativity at the same time. If you’re not feeling social – consider jigsaw puzzles. There’s something almost hypnotic about doing puzzles as an adult and when you finish there’s a tremendous feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. Try it. You’ll see.

Take a walk, preferably in daylight. SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is real and there are lots of ways to combat it, but my favorite is the simple act of taking a brisk walk at lunchtime. The fresh air will do you good, as will the vitamin D.

Cook yourself something nice. Little else can make you feel more competent and successful than turning a bag of groceries into a meal. Find a recipe that interests you, turn on some 60s soul and get ready to turn your mood around. If possible make extra. The leftovers are often the best part.

Skip the holiday cards. There is no feeling more liberating than saying “oh, screw it” in the stationery aisle of Target. Odds are your friends and family won’t notice yours is missing in their giants stacks of glittered firs and chubby angels. If anyone calls you out, just cover. Blame the post office, everyone hates the post office, then you can bond over hating the post office and deftly steer the conversation elsewhere.

Chill the heck out, but go big or go home. I’m talking many, many scented candles, a bubble bath so foamy your bathroom looks like Ibiza, a bottle of wine with a price tag that makes you wince, and your favorite holiday movie queued up on a tablet perched on the edge of the tub.

Leave the party. Leave and don’t look back. Peel out of the driveway so fast you burn rubber. Life is too short to be someplace you don’t want to be (unless you’re getting paid for being there).

Get into the holiday spirit, but on your own terms. Does shattering a dozen ornaments sound more fun than decorating a tree? Go for it. Do you want to bypass strolling along the holiday window displays and go straight for the hot chocolate containing no less than 750 calories? Go for it. Do you want to skip the lines at the mall and watch Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit and eat Chinese food instead? Go for it.

Give back and help yourself by helping others. Volunteering is not only important for your community, it also gives you some perspective and can be a great place for meeting like-minded new friends. The sense of accomplishment and self worth that comes with helping others is immeasurable. Check out Volunteer Match to get started.

Let your support system in. You don’t have to trudge through this alone. Share your feelings with your friends or family or whomever it is you trust. Open up to them, be vulnerable and let them support you. You’ll repay the favor when the shoe’s on the other foot.

Therapy. An old classic for a reason. Talking about your feelings and working through your issues is an important part of life. If there’s a medical professional helping you through it, as opposed to your friend Todd who’s half listening, you’ve got a really good chance of getting somewhere. There’s no shame in getting help and you’ll probably kick yourself for not going earlier.

Listen, the holidays are hard. Getting out of a funk is one thing, but if the blues turn into something more, there are so many services that can help. There is nothing to be ashamed of and there are people who can help. Keep a note of these numbers, and share them around because you never know who may need them. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK (8255)) and the National Hopeline Network (1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)) are both toll-free and available 24 hours a day. Calls are free and confidential.

The sun will rise again, the ice will melt, the flowers will bloom. Just cool it on the Adele and be kind to yourself. Happy holidays!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

A Holiday Gift Guide for Your Recently Divorced Friends

As we enter into the hellish period leading up the December holidays in which the task of Shopping becomes an all-consuming force of urban life—can you tell I don’t like shopping?—I find that having knowledgeable people to advise me on gift choices becomes a serious time saver. I LOVE gift guides. I LOVE “Top Ten Gifts for Twelve-Year Olds this Holiday Season” and “Appropriate Gifts to Give Your Mailman/Tailor/Dentist.” These things help me function with some degree of grace in situation where I might otherwise falter.

So I wanted to put my own guide guide out there, related to a topic with which I have a lot of experience, both personally and professionally: what to get, and what NOT to get, your divorced friends. (Most of these can be applied for recently divorced family members and recently divorced coworkers, too.) And I’ll start with the more important category first:
 

What NOT to Get People:

1. Self-help books. Okay, maybe buying your friend a copy of Keep Your Chin Up!: How to Make it Through Your Divorce and Come Out a Winner seems like it might be a good idea when you see it on the shelf at Barnes & Noble, but trust me, it’s not. These are the adult diapers of the book world: you don’t want anyone to know you own them, and you certainly don’t want to receive them as a gift. Just leave that book behind (they probably already have it on Kindle anyway).
2. A sex doll. This might come across as a funny joke—no seriously, I have seen this given as a gift in more than one occasion—but for a recent divorcee, it’s probably not going to enrich your friendship or endear you to them. Just a general rule of thumb: a sex doll is never a good idea. For anyone. Ever.
3. A man-shaped bed pillow. I don’t know if these were originally conceived as gag gifts or as actual things that people might secretly want, but I think it falls into the category of, “If I want one I’ll secretly buy it on Amazon and hide it in my closet when I have people over”—see number 1.
4. A poster with inspirational quote. If you are the kind of person to buy someone a framed poster, door-hanger or other household item that includes an inspirational quote, I think you should probably just stick to buying your divorced friends alcoholic beverages for a while. No judgment, it’s just all that positivity can be a little much when you’re a freshly split unit.
5. A plant. A plant probably seems harmless and thoughtful, but to a recent divorcee, it’s likely to be a potted reminder that they’re alone in the world, ie. “You have nobody, here’s a plant to be your friend.” Avoid gifting plants for 1 to 3 years post-divorce.

Better Gifts:

1. Really nice wine. This never fails. It tastes good, it feels classy, and it gets you drunk. Even better: take them out for an evening of really nice wine-drinking, foot the bill, and pay for the taxi home. Now that’s a friend.
2. Stuff to encourage their interests. Did your friend used to be really into photography, or yoga, or travel, and has now fallen out of the habit? Without being condescending, you can encourage them to pick up on old interests—and encourage their minds away from the divorce—by giving low-pressure gifts that help them get there (think a magazine subscription or a book, not an expensive piece of equipment or fitness club subscription).
3. Really good coffee. Coffee is another one of those things where it’s hard to go wrong. Proper gourmet coffee is delicious, warm, comforting, and it’s something that most of us drink anyway, so once again—practical. Try a variety of coffees from interesting places or with interesting flavors, and go fair trade in case they worry about these things (lots of my friends do).
4. A cool trip for friends. One of the nicest things you can do for a friend is to get them—nay, force them—out of their dark and horrible routine for a weekend of recalibration. It gives them a chance to relax, vent, possibly cry, and it solidifies your relationship to a degree so they feel less alone. Just make sure you plan around their schedule, ie. don’t surprise someone with a last-minute trip, which is thoughtful but stressful for busy people.
5. A token of recognition for their achievements. Chances are, your friend is feeling like a grade A loser about now, even if they’re actually a very accomplished person. Gifts that nod gently to their achievements, like a set of posh pens, is a nice way to refocus on the good stuff.

Have something genius to add to the list? I’m always listening. Give me a shout via Twitter and Facebook or leave a comment below!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton