Adult Children of Divorce are Getting Ripped Off

People are very concerned about children of divorce. Dozens of books outline the millions of things that can go wrong, and the very special attention kids will need during such a big change. Kids go to therapy, color their feelings, get calmed down by horses and most importantly, often get two Christmases. People make divorce out to be a bad and devastating thing, but there was only one child of divorce in my fourth grade class and she and her mom lived in a condo with a pool. My dumb married parents didn’t have a pool, so I don’t know, divorce sounded pretty cool to me. Teachers were also nicer to her, gave her a bunch of extra leeway, and she managed to con her dad into sending her to a sleepaway camp even though he said no the three previous summers. Michelle’s life was a lot better than mine because her parents were trying to buy her love, as the old divorce stereotype goes. But do adult children of divorcing parents get the same special treatment?

Heck no, it turns out. The Times recently ran an article about children affected by later in life divorce. There was a lot of talk about hurt feelings and other psychological impacts but not one mention of elaborate gifts. So these poor adult kids get their idea of marriage and love obliterated, without the specialized support young children are often afforded, plus no presents. What a rip off.

All those seven-year-olds get special mother/son dates and TWO bikes, but what of Gerald, the 31-year-old mild mannered systems analyst that just found out his perfectly boring parents aren’t celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary next month, but rather, they’re throwing in the towel and splitting up. Gerald played by the rules his whole life. He never snuck out while grounded or stole alcohol from the liquor cabinet, topping the bottles off with water hoping no one would notice. He never got high behind the bleachers or asked for anything more than lunch money from his parents. He got his degree from an ok school and got an ok job and just last year bought an ok house with money he saved up himself in an ok high yield account. Now his life is getting turned upside down but no one seems to care because he’s not an impressionable middle schooler anymore.

Who will take pity on poor Gerald? Will his mom take him out for soft serve after his little league game? No. Will ol’ Ger-bear have to teach his 59-year-old dad how to use Tinder? Oh yes. Will he learn his dad is “into butts?” You bet he will. Don’t you think he deserves an all expenses paid ski weekend for that? I sure think he does. It’s time to grab victimhood by the horns, Gerald, and here’s how.

First off, if my old pal Michelle can get away with doing no homework for three months, Gerald deserves a little break as well. In lieu of teacher pity, get boss pity. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to take four to six hour-long breaks during the day to walk around the block or chill out in his car for “mental health reasons.” I also think it’s fair that Claire take on a couple of Gerald’s projects as Claire’s parents are still together and it’s really time for her to step up to the plate and earn that promotion, you know? I also think it’s fair that people stop judging Gerald for how much free pizza he eats on Pizza Tuesdays because no one mentioned a slice limit in the recurring calendar invite, and also Gerald is going through a pretty rough time so everyone can piss off.

Secondly, just because Gerald’s parents don’t have to fight over his custody doesn’t mean they shouldn’t fight for his love. Gerald won’t have the luxury of two Christmases because he’s a “grown up” and grown ups don’t need a large pile of gifts to know they’re loved and blah blah blah. That’s a load of crap. He does need tangible proof this divorce isn’t his fault just like an eight-year-old would. But just like expensive cheddar, Gerald’s tastes have matured way beyond those of an eight-year-old. Summer camp isn’t going to cut it. An all expenses paid eleven day Mediterranean cruise will though. And horseback riding lessons are for babies. Jetskis are for adults. So, mom and pop should buy him a jetski. No wait, TWO jetskis. One for his regular home and one for his lake house; the lake house his parents should also buy him.

Some divorcées really knock it out of the park for their kids’ birthdays in an attempt to compete with, and then upstage the other parent. This applies to Gerald as well. Celebrating 32 might not seem like a big enough milestone to garner bar mitzvah or quinceanera level parties, but why not? And why even limit it to birthdays? Maybe it’s time for Gerald’s dad to cough up the dough for Drake to play Gerald’s laid back, backyard Memorial Day barbecue.

While Gerald’s missing out on the double Christmases, he will be punished with two Thanksgivings. He’ll have to split his time between two marathon dinners where he will get grilled two times by a bevy of aunts and cousins as to why he hasn’t settled down yet. His thirteen-year-old cousin Chloe will ask him yet again if he is gay and, yet again mention her piano teacher is “a catch.” He will repeat this misery again on Easter. Twice. Lucky for Gerald, the final act in making this divorce work for him is blaming all of his problems on this divorce. All. Of. Them.

Aunt Louise on him again about being single? Divorce’s fault! Late for work? Divorce’s fault! Hasn’t gone to the gym in six years? Divorce’s fault! Ice cream for dinner again? Divorce’s fault! Mounting credit card debt? Divorce’s fault! Commitment issues? Divorce’s fault! Are you questioning whether any of this can really apply since his parents only got divorced six weeks ago? Stop questioning because Gerald will answer, “you know, there was tension there for years.” And you can’t question him! Because he’s a little broken bird of an adult man who now owns two jet skis he didn’t have to pay for. It’s Gerald’s time to shine, excuse-wise. Literally everything that is wrong or even sort of wrong in his life is because he now comes from a broken home. Soar like the excuse ridden eagle you were always meant to be, Gerald!

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

How to Prepare for THAT Prenup Conversation

So it’s your wedding day and you’re about to say those two little words. There’s something niggling at the back of your mind that you’ve haven’t got around to organizing… Food? Ordered and paid for. Presents for the in-laws? Check. Prenup? Ah. Oops.

It’s easy to put off important elements of wedding planning that are less fun. I’ll admit I’d much rather go to a cake tasting than talk to my intended about money and what happens in the eventuality that we decide to go our separate ways, and I’m a divorce attorney! I have more uncomfortable conversations with people by 10am than most people have in a month.

You can always do a postnup but let’s be honest, when you’re back from honeymoon and the tan’s starting to fade, it’s easy to get caught up in the stresses of everyday life. From a practical legal standpoint the enforceability of a postnuptial agreement is far more controversial in New York than a prenuptial agreement. And, it’s much wiser to be aware of your partner’s financial habits before getting hitched. If you’ve religiously paid off your credit card in full every month, it can be grating to see that your spouse has racked up thousands in interest thanks to their decision to make minimum payments.

So here’s how to bring up the topic, WITHOUT using the words, “By the way, when we divorce I’m keeping the house, darling.”

• Be straightforward. Just get to the point. Show your spouse that you’re behaving in a clear-headed and sensible manner about this potentially awkward topic. They’ll respect you all the more for it. Chances are, if they read the papers (or live anywhere other than a cave) they may be having the same thoughts, but were reluctant to bring it up.

• It’s all about timing. In the middle of a “heated discussion” about finances? Don’t throw the prenup into the mix just right now. Having lunch with the soon-to-be in-laws? Not a chat that Mom and Pop need to be part of. Remember when Carl and Ellie from Up (surely everyone’s favorite romantic movie?) drew up their prenup? Me neither. It’s not generally a conversation that comes up naturally when you’re dazzled with love. Do a little forward planning and set the scene. Plan an occasion when you’re both in a positive frame of mind, when you have the time and energy for an in-depth discussion. You might introduce it by talking about student debts or even your joint savings plan after the wedding.

• Avoid beginning the conversation with: “I want a prenup.” This is a sensitive subject and must be handled delicately so as to avoid arguments. After all, if you begin the chat by annoying your partner, you’re hardly likely to achieve the outcome you want.

• Blame me. Remember when you blamed your mom’s broken vase on your (completely innocent) friend? Or when the dog ate your homework? Sometimes it’s easier to take the heat off yourself. Saying that your lawyer recommended a prenup (and it’s completely true – I do!) can make the conversation easier.

• Remind your partner that ALL marriages end.  It may seem morbid to say it – but all marriages end: either in death or divorce. You don’t hope your spouse will die prematurely but chances are (if you’re responsible) you still had a Will prepared. Why? Because you don’t want the state legislature deciding your property rights when you die and belief you and your partner are in a better position to make those decisions together. A prenup is really no different. Why trust the legislature to decide your rights and obligations if you aren’t fortunate enough to die?  Perhaps remind your spouse that legislators are elected officials and, at present, as a result of the electoral democracy Donald Trump is quite possibly 11 months away from getting the nuclear codes.

• Reassure your partner. A lot. Let them know that your intention is to protect his or her financial independence, as well as yours. To keep the two of you, as a couple, in control of your finances and property rather than the Courts or the state.

• Be like a window: transparent. This is the time to be 100 percent honest with your partner. Often our thoughts about prenups have been shaped by our parents’, siblings’ or even friends’ marriages. Share this with your fiancé(e) so they fully understand that this isn’t the final stage of your dastardly plan to acquire all their hard-earned money and possessions. Be honest about what is important to you, and why.

• Use this as an opportunity to talk about expectations.  In the event the two of you split up you may be surprised at how much you share the same concerns. Who would keep the apartment? How would the one who leaves the apartment pay for movers or a security deposit? This is the kind of stuff you can discuss and include in your prenup. Take the fear of homelessness out of your marital anxieties. If there’s an economic disparity between you and your spouse you’ve got different concerns but they’re born of some of the same sensibilities. If you’re the “monied spouse” you want to know how much you would be “on the hook” for if the two of you split up. Most likely you aren’t suggesting if you break up your partner should be out on the streets eating cat food – but you don’t want him or her to be eating caviar while you’re struggling to pay bills. If you’re the “non-monied spouse” perhaps you want to ensure that it’s okay to sacrifice your career status to raise children or pursue other interests secure in the knowledge that your soon-to-be-spouse is taking care of business. You might not be looking for the marriage equivalent of a “golden parachute” in the event of divorce but you might be looking for some confirmation that you won’t leave the marriage with less than what you have when it started. There is likely room for compromise on these issues and perhaps having a discussion about what you both want and need financially in a marriage partnership is precisely the kind of thing two people considering getting hitched should do!

• Listen. It’s the best way of avoiding misunderstandings. If people would only use their ears as much as their mouth, the world would be a much happier place, trust me on this! Ask them their opinion, their hopes, and do some research together. Chances are, neither of you have much practical experience with prenups, so you can learn together.

• Don’t get angry. You might not get the response you want, but it’s important to stay calm. Your partner might not want to hear you. (In which case, it’s time to start working on those communication skills, folks.) They might be insulted that you’d even think of divorce. One the one hand, this is understandable, but it’s time to get real. Forty-five percent of marriages end in divorce. Being prepared is essential, for both of you.

• Be prepared to try again. So you didn’t get the result you wanted? Don’t give up and hope it all works out for the best. It’s important that your wishes are respected in this relationship too. Allow your partner time to cool off and re-evaluate your points. Consider the services of a mediator to help both of you air your thoughts, without things turning sour.

• Have faith. If you’re seriously considering marrying this person let me tell you, at the outset, it’s important that you two can have a difficult conversation when necessary. It’s important to have the ability to upset or disappoint your spouse when necessary to honestly express your needs and feelings. Start warming those skills up early before you get hitched. This is as bad a time as any to see that, if you’re doing it right, you can be scared or upset and still be very much in love.  

Financial conversations can be hard when you’re in a relationship, whatever stage you’re at. Bringing up a prenup needs you to have lots of hats on – your sensitive hat, your rational hat, and your honest hat. But the good news is it can be done without causing offense. Better, it can help you build trust and solidify your relationship. If you need it – great, you’re covered. And if not, then you two lovebirds have begun your lives together in the best possible way – by being open and honest about the tricky stuff. It’s win-win. It’s better to have a prenup and not need one than to need a prenup and not have one.  

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Divorce Lessons From the Real Housewives of Orange County

Everyone has their favorite nutso reality wives, and the Real Housewives of Orange County are (one of) mine. Each season is chock-full of WTF-ery, and this season’s no exception. Not only are they full of drama, silicone and alcohol, but they’ve also been keeping us divorce lawyers busy for ten seasons now. Just how many divorces have these ladies left in their wake? Let’s take a look.

Vicki Gunvalson – 2

Tamra Judge – 2

Alexis Bellino – 1

Gretchen Rossi – 1

Shannon Beador – 0

Heather Dubrow – 0

Jeana Keough – 1

Lauri Waring – 2

Lizzie Rovsek – 0

Lydia McLaughlin – 0

Lynne Curtin – 1

Jo De La Rosa – 0

Quinn Fry – 1

Tammy Knickerbocker – 1

Peggy Tanous – 1

Kimberly Bryant – 0

Meghan King Edmonds – 0

That’s a total of 13 divorces! That’s a lot of summer homes, European vacations, and botox parties for my Californian colleagues. A lot of divorces yes, but none should be seen as anything but a learning experience, especially for viewers. Here are some important lessons we can learn from those spray-tanned, bejeweled top wearing, medically “enhanced” housewives:

1. Be honest about, and in the loop regarding your finances.
Lynne was blindsided by an eviction notice and a shocking confession from her husband regarding their dwindling bank accounts. Do not be Lynne. Do not assume bills are being paid and all is right with your family’s books. Even if you’re not the breadwinner, there is no reason you shouldn’t be totally on top of your family’s finances. Know your bills, know your bank accounts, know what’s coming in and what’s going out.

2. Divorce should be an option.
This season we’ve got a front row seat to Shannon’s marital troubles. From couples retreats to staged fake funerals, Shannon and husband David are really trying to save their marriage. Shannon keeps insisting “divorce isn’t an option.” Well, she doesn’t have to take it, but it should at least be an option. If they cannot make it through their problems, there is no reason they must stay together. It is a myth that staying together is better for the kids. Giving the kids a healthy, emotionally balanced household, or households as it were, should be the top priority. Screaming matches, miserable parents and growing resentment are all perhaps much worse than the divorce Shannon refuses to entertain.

3. Have a prenup! 
Vicki’s messy divorce from Don dragged on and on as they hammered out the details of their split, including the fight over spousal support. Not having a prenup can really cost you, as Vicki found out the hard way. Prenups don’t “ruin the romance,” they prepare you for the future because this is real life, not a fairytale. If your prenup never becomes applicable, great! If it does, you’ll thank yourself for having the safety net.

4. Don’t date Slade. Just don’t. Don’t.
Even if you had a time machine to take you back to his Amex- Black-Card-literally-setting-money-on-fire-with-idiotic-collectibles days from Season One it’s just not worth it. Just ask Jo who, you may have noticed, is now, post-Slade, far more likely to actually need that ridiculous maid costume for work as a real maid.

5. If financially possible, don’t live in the same house once you’ve decided to break up.
Jeana lived with Matt long after they decided to split. It was awkward and prevented Jeana from moving on with her life. When you split, hit the bricks if at all possible. Start fresh somewhere new, or have your ex-partner do it.

6. If it’s important to you, fight for it. 
Whether it’s the house, custody of the kids or the dogs (looking at you Gretchen), or anything else that means the world to a you, don’t give up the fight. Tamra had a bitter, drawn out custody battle with Simon that left her in tears throughout many episodes. But she kept fighting, and according to interviews she’s pleased with the final result.

7. The third time might just be the charm. 
One divorce may not be enough to get long lasting happiness; sometimes it takes two. Lauri, Vicki and Tamra all seem to have found love the third time around. While Tamra and Lauri went through with a third wedding, Vicki seems to be happy just living with Brooks (for the purposes of this lesson, please ignore all the Brooks turmoil, nod your head in agreement, and move onto the next lesson).

8. Don’t lose yourself in your marriage. 
If the housewives can teach us anything, it’s that keeping a sense of self is paramount to happiness. Design that jewelry, swimwear or dress line. Take a job on the “news,” start a wine club or develop a line of vodka. Whatever it is pursue your interests and if you can turn that pursuit into a paycheck, all the better for your post-divorce life!

9. If you’re having relationship troubles, don’t sign up for a reality television show. 
In no way will it help. Look at the dozens and dozens of reality divorces that preceded your relationship troubles. You are not somehow different from them. That kind of magnifying glass could shake up even the strongest of relationships. Pop the popcorn, change into your pjs and get comfy on the couch. It’s much better being on this side of the TV.

What valuable marriage and divorce lessons have the ladies of the OC taught you? Tweet me or leave it in the comments below!