Mistress Dispelling: The New Way To Save Your Marriage

Do you have kids? Are you concerned about their future? Are you worried about how much college is going to cost? Are you worried you’re going to pay an arm and a leg and your sweet kid is going to be saddled with loans forever, all to get a degree that maybe won’t even mean anything? Are you afraid by the time your precious Johnny or Sally gets a degree, the job market will be so awful that they’ll move back in with you, and will be asking for “hundos” for their “randos” until you die?

Well do not fear! A new lucrative career path has opened up and as long as the Orange Menace doesn’t get us all nuked before the end of 2017, your kids might just have a future in mistress dispelling. Oh yes, that’s a thing. The Times recently reported on the growing fad of “mistress dispellers” in China. Turns out some entrepreneurs have found a new way to capitalize on crumbling marriages. They fix them! While that kind of business will cut into my kind of business, I salute their innovation and would probably opt in if they were on Shark Tank and I was a judge on Shark Tank. What is a mistress dispeller you ask?

Well, see if your spouse is cheating on you and you want to repair your marriage without, you know, confronting the cheating and working it out like adults, you can hire a mistress dispeller who will take a two pronged approach at fixing your marriage. First she will makeover the cheated-on spouse, in mind, body and actions to make her a better mate. Concurrently, she will ingratiate herself into the paramour’s life and convince her to hit the road. How so? The mistress dispeller does recon on the mistress’s life, categorizes her motives, then skillfully disassembles the affair from the inside. Pretty nuts right? Shockingly, this isn’t the plot of a Kate Hudson romantic comedy. It sure sounds like a movie, but I googled and googled and came up short, so if this exists, please let me know. And if it turns out there isn’t a movie like this already, call me Scott Rudin, I’ve got some ideas on casting.

What’s the price point for a person who is half life coach and half evil genius? Priceless! Or actually around $45,000 for about three months of work. It’s certainly not cheap, but the services carry an alleged 90% success rate, so $45k is a pittance if you get everlasting love, right? I wonder what the makeovers are like and what exactly the coaching entails, but I am much more intrigued by the mistress part. So much deception and sneaking around is involved. It sounds like the best job. It’s like being a spy except instead of stealing confidential documents, you’re trying to lure a person into friendship over lattes. Then you play puppet master for awhile. I’ve got some ideas for how to handle certain mistress stereotypes, so let's take a crack at it...

The Work Colleague

Research the past ten years of the company’s holiday party. Have they used the same caterers for the past three years? You bet. Apply and get hired by the catering company. Show up the night of the party ready to work. Nonchalantly find your target and offer Work Mistress one of many hors d’oeuvres options. Keep circling back. Make an offhanded comment on hating the gig but loving the shrimp puffs, opening the door for her to complain about her own job. You can always count on a person to hate their job, and love anything encased in puff pastry, that is the American way. Keep chatting. Explain how you’re just working these gigs to save up for a big trip for a couple of months to find yourself. Talk about how you always dreamed of seeing the world as a kid and you’re just sick of promising yourself a life you never follow through on. Wait to see if this piques her interest. It does.

She explains she, too, always wanted to travel but there was just no opportunity. Butt in and say, oh yeah, I know how it goes, settling down, buying a house, getting married, I get it. She explains she’s not really doing any of those things actually. Wait a beat. Then say, then what’s stopping you? She explains she can’t quit her job, she’s got tons of school loans, and she’s sort of seeing this guy but it’s a mess. You empathize and say oh man if only you could only find a more challenging job somewhere else and start over. Her eyes light up.

Shanghai, she exclaims! Shanghai! Ah yes, they’re opening a new branch of the office in good old Shanghai, but you already knew that because you are a very good mistress dispeller. The two of you talk some more and by the end of the night you are fired from the catering gig (seriously, you’re supposed to circulate with those trays, that’s your main job duty), and Work Mistress is dead set on moving, taking on a more challenging managerial role to open up the Shanghai office, and even already brought it up to her boss so she wouldn’t chicken out in the morning. Tzai jien, Work Mistress! Best of luck on all your future endeavors!

The Babysitter

Deep dive into her online presence. She’s an aspiring writer! Check out her Instagram geotags and look for patterns. Does she seem to get coffee at one place a lot? Start frequenting. Knock over her iced coffee at the pick up bar and offer to buy her another. Compliment her shoes. Bump into her the next morning and wave. After a few days of smiling acknowledgments just introduce yourself. Start chatting about the neighborhood and casually drop that you work in publishing (you obviously don’t, you’re a high powered mistress dispeller, but you do have a BA in English Lit). Because this world is all about connections, Babysitter explains she’s working on a novel but she’s stuck with writer’s block. Say you know it sounds crazy, but you wouldn’t mind giving her work a gander. She agrees!

You spend two months working tirelessly on this quite crappy novel, but it starts to take shape. You explain to Babysitter Mistress that the old adage “write what you know” is totally true, and that ordinary stories become excellent stories if you inject your own history into them. The novel’s big climax is a total bust because there’s no real emotion there. You tell her to tap into any romantic pain she’s been through and she says there’s not much there. You ask her about her current dating situation and she says it’s actually pretty interesting. She’s dating an old married guy. Oh really, you don’t say! You somehow over the course of a few days convince her to dump the married guy, because she needs to feel real pain to make her book better. This book is her baby and it deserves all her attention. The world cannot live without this book! Blah blah, she buys it all, hook, line and sinker. Tell a self-absorbed writer the world needs her story and she’ll basically do anything you say after that. She dumps the married guy, stops babysitting for the family, is wracked with feelings of regret over the decision, and she falls into a deep depression for about six months. She finally crawls out of it, finishes the book and sends it your way to pass along to editors at your publishing house. You don’t work in publishing, so you ghost her and move to a different city. Two years later, you see her book at an airport Hudson News. Guess it all worked out!

PS - I am assuming The Babysitter goes to college or grad school or is a freelance writer with a lot of time to spare, and is not a high school student. Because if she’s a high school student just call the cops, case closed.

The Internet Dating Site Rando

Figure out which book club she belongs to and join that book group. All Internet Dating Site Randos belong to book club, this is just a fact. Read whatever thriller or Oprah-approved book is that month’s pick and craft a very deliberate talking point about fathers, as you know she lost her father and you are a terrible person. Keep laying it on thick and philosophical until she cracks and runs off to the bathroom. Excuse yourself to go check on her. Apologize a lot through the locked door and convince her to come out explaining how sorry you are. Be extremely kind and comforting. Suggest hitting a diner after book club and offer to buy her a tuna melt to make up for making her cry. Bond over tuna melts. Talk about your lives and interests and explain you always wanted to take up running. What a coincidence, guess who runs?

Accept her invitation to join her running group. Over the course of 12 Sunday morning runs, get to know Rando better. Also get to know Isaac, the running group leader. Notice how well Rando and Isaac get along. Talk one up to the other. Buy a $100 Chili’s gift card and tell Isaac and Rando you got it as a gag gift, and mention how funny it would be to head over to Chili’s for some post-run eats. Go to Chili’s as a trio, fake an emergency phone call, apologize profusely, order some Lime SNO-JITOs for the table and leave the gift card. Hang out in the parking lot, spy through the windows, and wait for love to blossom like a Bloomin’ Onion. Pardon me, I mixed up my fast casual dining restaurant chains! Love blossoms alright, and Rando dumps the married guy and lives happily ever after with Isaac the runner.

The Childhood Sweetheart

This all started on Facebook so go straight to the source. Childhood Sweetheart runs a custom pet accessories business which happens to have a Facebook page. Like it. Inquire about several high priced personalized pet items. Order them all. Receive them, leave glowing reviews on the Facebook page. Repeat. Private message the business and explain how much these items have really brightened your days, and frankly, changed your life. Attach pictures of (borrowed) animals wearing the goods at a dog park you know she frequents. She will respond thanking you. She will also say, oh my gosh is that Liberty Dog Park!? She's there all the time and invites you to say hello if you ever see her. You're in. You see her, say hello and strike up a pretty good friendship. You take the dogs on hikes and meet up at the craft supply store to check out new rhinestone styles. You talk about life and the future and it turns out she wants kids pretty badly. She loves the dogs and all, but she always wanted kids and time’s ticking, you know? You ask about her relationships and she says she’s actually reconnected with her first love and things are going pretty good except, can you keep a secret, he’s married. You don’t say.

Ask her all about him and what he was like back in school, and how they first got together. A lot of these stories involve Tom, married guy’s best friend in seventh grade. Ask more about Tom. Tom sounds great, and seems a lot kinder and more interesting than married guy ever was. Mention this to her. A lot. Wait for it to dawn on Childhood Sweetheart that it was Tom she really loved all along. Encourage her to reconnect with Tom. She does. They hit it off. He’s got beautiful blue eyes that would look great on their babies. Tom is also married, but that is now some other mistress dispeller’s problem.

7 Steps to Healing a Guilty Conscience, Post-Divorce

So you blew it. You cheated, got caught and now you’re divorced. Your friends are taking your spouse’s side and your dog won’t even look you in the eye. Guilt: not just for Jewish mothers anymore!

I’ve said it a million times, there is no easy divorce. But when your actions were the catalyst behind it? Yeesh. One way ticket to sad town on the pain express, please! Moving on and rebuilding your life cannot happen unless you deal with the ever present guilt weighing you down. Ignoring it or pushing it down might give you a short term quick fix, but over time the guilt will fester and seep into aspects of your life you couldn’t have imagined.

You are of no use to anyone sitting in the corner smacking your temples with closed fists. No one wins in the corner. Plus you’ve become a fire hazard. And seriously, your boss really wants you to get back to work because if this keeps up she will have no other choice than to fire you. Then you’ll be sad, guilty and unemployed. So take this bad experience, learn from it and grow beyond it. Let the guilt serve a purpose, learn to work through it and move on. How?

Identify the actions that led to the guilt. 
Go beyond just “I slept with my kid’s soccer coach!” Explore what happened and why. Were you bored or lonely in your marriage? What led to the soccer coach? Before it happened, could you have talked to your spouse? Did you not express your unhappiness due to fear or cowardliness? How did you get there and what could you have done differently?

Identify the source of your guilt. 
Now that you know how you got there, where is your guilt really coming from? Do you feel guilty because you hurt someone you love/loved? Or is it more that you let yourself down and betrayed the standards you hold yourself to? Is it society? Or your family? Is it a combination? Is it guilt that you don’t feel guilty enough?

Take responsibility. 
You’ve figured out the source now take responsibility. When we do bad things, there is a childish urge within us to blame others for our actions. For example, if your spouse just took better care of himself/stopped nagging so much/was younger/had more interesting things to say you wouldn’t have strayed. Um, no. You’re a grown up now, you have to hold yourself accountable. Accept responsibility, whether it was one hundred percent your fault or whether you can weasel your way out with a lot of excuses. You are to blame and that is ok.

Apologize. 
Depending on the situation, you may have a lot or just some apologizing to do. Writing a letter to your former spouse taking responsibility and apologizing may be the only thing on your list. If the situation is more complex, you may have some kids and friends to apologize to as well. No matter how long your apology list is, make each apology thought out and heartfelt. It’s quite possible the recipient may not be very open to what you have to say, but expressing remorse is about you as much as it is about them. The final apology on your list should be the one to yourself. As cheesy as it sounds, you’ve got to talk to yourself like a crazy person, or journal to yourself like a teenage girl. Tell yourself you’re sorry for letting you down.

Forgive yourself. 
So, you talked to yourself in the mirror or closed the journal you hope no one will ever, ever find, and you have apologized to yourself. Now it is time to forgive. Shockingly, you are only human like the rest of us, meaning, you make mistakes. Was this a biggie? Yeah. Maybe even the biggest of your whole life. But it doesn’t make you evil, or beyond forgiveness. The only tragedy here would be if you went through all this life-changing turmoil and learned nothing from it. So forgive yourself, give yourself a clean slate and start fresh.

Learn from this. 
Remember step one, where you figured out how you got to cheating? That was an important step because now you can use that knowledge to feel out a future cheating situation way before things get out of hand. If your eye starts wandering in a new relationship, you have to tools to assess why that is, and maybe, just maybe you can speak to your partner and work things out before you end up at a hotel with the president of the PTA. Or you won’t work things out, and you’ll break up with your partner in a mature way that doesn’t involve them dumping the crap out of you when they catch you with the president of the PTA. Use this guilt ridden situation to learn about yourself.

Learn how to accept mistakes and how to move on from them with grace. Give yourself the chance to improve and to strengthen your empathy muscles when someone inevitably wrongs you in the future.

Focus outside yourself.
Maybe it’s the lapsed Catholic in me, but penance is a great way to work through guilt. Go modern Catholic over old school Catholic though, as throwing money at a situation doesn’t really help. Instead of, or in addition to, writing a check to a worthy organization, get involved yourself. Donate your time and efforts to a local soup kitchen or mentoring program. Get involved in your community and see how full your heart will feel as you realize you are needed and appreciated. Soon your self esteem will build back up and you’ll be ready to dump the guilt and start anew.

And of course, if all else fails, seek therapy! There is absolutely no shame in doing so. In fact, just the opposite: Working on yourself is a lifelong endeavor and I applaud it.

Have a word of advice to share with others? You know what to do: Leave a comment below, on Facebook, or in a tweet.

Let's All Just Be Nicer.

There are a million reasons relationships don’t work out, but most marriages fall into one of two fundamental categories:

1. either both people realize the marriage is over and want out, or
2. one person wants out while the other wants to keep working on the relationship.

No one’s jonesing to be part of either of these groups, but one could argue scenario B is a rougher road. Someone is really going to get their heart stomped on in group B. If you are the leaver, you have most likely realized for the good of your well being and sanity you must get out of your relationship. And look at you! Way to make a decision instead of cheating on your husband for a decade and lying to everyone you know.

If you’re the one left behind, I am so sorry, can I buy you a pizza? I swear you are prettier and more interesting than Sheila in accounting and I don’t know why Dan left you for her, but you are better without him, and again, can I get you a pizza? I feel like if you had some pizza, this would be less awkward because life’s a bummer and people are sometimes the worst, and it’d be great if everyone tried a little harder to be nicer.

If you didn’t know, (why would you know?) March 3rd was “I Want You To Be Happy Day.” I don’t know why there’s an international taco day, or a national taco day, or a hug your pets day, or a hug your pets on international taco day which happens to also be national taco day. I don’t know who comes up with these things, but if it’s a paid job, someone let me know where I can send my resume because I would be all over that nonsense. “I Want You To Be Happy Day” is meant to be a day of giving, helping, and generally being unselfish — all good things to be, for more than just one day out of the year.

It’s hard to be the bigger person, especially when you have an arsenal of sick, sick burns inside of you. Being the bigger person takes humility and self control, both of which don’t seem to be abundant in today’s world. It’s hard to be humble when there’s so much bragging to do on Facebook, am I right? It’s hard to have self control when a biting tweet going viral is just a little brainstorm away. So, I reject “I Want You To Be Happy Day” because one day isn’t enough to address the serious problem of the pandemic levels of jerkiness committed by us and against us in everyday life. I reject the day and call upon you to embrace the year, decade or century of being nicer.

A divorce is a great opportunity to really challenge yourself to be better. The bliss of embarrassing someone with a perfect cutting remark is fleeting. The general good vibe you get from being kind lasts, and can also can build into a long term sense of smugness no one can ever question. Because what can they do? Criticize you for being too civil to Dan and his new wife Sheila? Oh, sorry Brandon, I’m just a pretty ok person who knows everyone is better off now and I can accept and embrace that, not like when you and Erica broke up. You were just so rude to her, I mean I get it, but that’s just not me, man. Dan’s happiness is all our happiness, you know, Brandon? Ah, feel that? Feel the warm rays of smugness upon your body? Embrace it. That’s what happens when you want others to be happy.

How can you implement this in your daily life? Here are some ideas.

Don’t Act Like A Republican Presidential Candidate.
This one’s pretty simple. Don’t regress into a petty, childish seventh grader. Don’t allude to to an ex-spouse’s small penis size, imply they’ve pissed themselves, point out a poor fake tan color choice, draw attention to an excessive sweating problem, call them a phony/fraud/liar, or claim they have low energy. If you do any of the above, you will not only look like a moron, you will also feel like garbage. And you don’t want either of those things, because those things are the job of the next leader of the free world.

Who are you making happy? Your parents. They no longer have to scold you for “raising you better than that.”

Solve An Important Mystery.
First, quit your job and take an unpaid internship in the film industry. Over the course of sixteen months, work your way into PA jobs on several lower budget movies. Do really good work and impress a few people on set. Make friends with them so they call you up to work on bigger projects. Go to film school at night and during your days off. Put together an impressive reel and land an agent through your PA buddies’ contacts. Do a few short films that do well at several international festivals. Have a few mid-level people at big studios take notice. Land a meeting with one of those people. Dazzle them. Get hired for a few smaller features. Work more, work harder. Land a huge summer blockbuster starring Reese Witherspoon. On day one, take Reese aside and ask her what the hell movie she was talking about when she said “Oh, that’s where we’re at? You’re fighting to be the girlfriend in a dumb comedy? For what?’ And by the way, two Oscar winners did it. I was like, I’ve got to do something.” Was it No Strings Attached? It was No Strings Attached, right? Kate Aurthur from Buzzfeed thinks it’s No Strings Attached. Ask Reese, find out the answer, quit the movie and the business and walk off set. Call your ex and tell them, “Yep, No Strings Attached, we were right!” Then tweet it and @ me, and Kate Aurthur and the whole world because seriously Reese, what was it?No Strings Attached right?

Who are you making happy? All of us.

Stop Airing Your Dirty Laundry, Unless It’s Really Interesting.
There’s an expiration date for complaining about a dissolved relationship. It is six months. If you are still complaining about a long gone relationship past the six month mark, all of your friends are going to get annoyed and bored. We all love a little gossip. Some of us love a lot of gossip. When it’s stale gossip that you’ve heard nineteen times since last summer, no one likes it. So either find something juicier you forgot to mention, or get caught up on Vanderpump Rules so we can all enjoy the conversation.

Who are you making happy? All of your friends, your hairdresser, the coffee cart guy, your dry cleaner, the grocery store clerk, and cab drivers who also happen to be strangers.

Actively Try To Let Go Of The Past.
I’m going to give you what you’ve been searching for since your marriage broke up. Ready? Here goes… You are right. You’re right about all of it. Every tiny thing on the miles’ long mental list of the ways you were right and s/he was wrong, I agree with you. I’m giving you the validation you’ve been longing for, and I am proving you weren’t crazy this whole time. There. Now let it gooooooooo…

Who are you making happy? Your boss. Now you can finally concentrate on your work again, instead of clicking through your honeymoon pictures trying to spot where exactly it all went wrong, again and again and again.

Forgive Them. 
I know! It’s so hard! But if you don’t forgive, you cannot move on. What do you gain from holding grudges? An ulcer? Great, so you’ve got the grudges but you have to forgo delicious Mexican food? Who is winning in that scenario? I’m not suggesting this will be easy. It might be the hardest part of your divorce journey, but the benefits cannot be denied. When you forgive, it’s like hitting the reset button. The dark clouds shift and the ice starts to melt and you can make a really, really, embarrassingly cheesy spectacle out of it. Tie a name to a balloon and let it float away. Burn memorabilia in a safe, well ventilated environment. Hack your wedding outfit to shreds. Do that stuff then say insufferable things like, “let go and let god” or “I’m truly at peace now” or “love and light.” You will probably go through a two to four week period in which you want to wear only flowing robes because you are centered and enlightened, so just go with it.

Who are you making happy? Your doctor, your stomach lining, and the flowing robes industry.

*Quick side note: if your former partner was really horrible, like legitimately, legally, penitentiary bad, forgiving them does not excuse them for what they did. You were right, what they did was wrong, and I hope there is just punishment for it. But you can forgive this person. You don’t have to wash away all their sins, that’s between them and the legal system or the god of their choosing, but you can unshackle yourself from the trauma.

Forgive Yourself. 
Ha! You thought forgiving others was hard, well welcome to the nightmare of forgiving yourself! You think you might be having a good day then in an innocuous, quiet moment when you’re waiting for your sandwich at the deli, the really rude part of your brain will list off all of your greatest failures. Every wrong word you spoke, every time you were cruel or petty, every mistake you made. A real comprehensive montage will roll through your brain and you’ll feel nauseated and you won’t even want the $14 sandwich with avocado you just splashed out for. There is no way to silence the jerk in your brain forever, no matter how much bourbon you try to drown him in. So what can you do? You can try to be nicer to yourself. You can cut yourself a break, because while you hold yourself to really high standards, you are still a human being and as such you make mistakes. Do things that make you feel proud of yourself. Help others. Try to learn from mistakes and try to stop repeating them. Try to be kind to others and hope happiness spreads like an infection and lifts you up along the way.

Who are you making happy? First yourself, then others, then… the whole world?

How to Have a Kickass Divorced Valentine's Day

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s Valentine’s Day.

Not because I’m bitter. Not because I’m secretly a twenty-two-year-old single girl obsessed with Sex and the City. Not even because it’s a holiday co-opted by greeting card companies and chocolatiers, used to manipulate happy people into feeling guilty enough to spend money on things nobody needs, and for people to feel insecure enough to pressure their significant others into buying them things nobody needs, so they can create vignettes for Instagram to show the world their husbands love them the most.

It’s not even because everything in the store is suddenly and irretrievably pink and covered in glitter—pink, the patron color of all Valentine’s Day crap, glitter the patron craft supply of the devil. The entirety of the CVS looks like it’s been doused in Pepto Bismol and blood spatter. I go in to buy a toothbrush and spend the next three days picking tiny pieces of sparkle off my clothes, my car, my skin and my dogs. And yet even that is not the source of my Valentine’s Day angst.

The reason I hate Valentine’s Day is because I’m divorced and I’m a divorce lawyer. I’ve seen just how wrong love can go. And on this particular holiday, knowing how the sausage is made is much the same as being sober at a nightclub. Without the rosy haze of a buzz, you are up close and personal with the reality of the sweaty people, the sticky floor, the smelly DJ and the watered-down drinks, seeing them all for what they really are: gross. Such is Valentine’s Day.

Don’t get me wrong: love is great. Relationships are great. Marriage is great–it keeps me in a job. But Valentine’s Day is a rosy haze covering up a lot of gross.

So, I thought I’d better make a few suggestions for the recently dumped, new divorcees and anyone else who has seen behind the curtain where the great and powerful Valentine Oz is just a greedy Hallmark executive, to assist you in moving on from the old, tired traditions of this super-pink holiday into a new phase I like to call “the Kickass version of Valentine’s Day.”

Here are the components. If you’re as disillusioned with those crappy, chalky conversation hearts as I am (who decided this was a worthwhile candy item??) it might just cheer you right up.

What to Do:

1. Pinch anyone who wears the colors pink or red. A satisfying twist on the St. Patrick’s Day tradition, this lets you get your frustrations out on people who deserve it, people who celebrate holidays far too enthusiastically.
2. Refuse pity Valentines. Say it’s on ethical grounds, because you believe greeting cards are a flagrant waste of paper. On top of how they offended you, the giver will now also feel bad for murdering trees.
3. Give statistics instead of valentines. When people brag about their Valentine’s Day plans, remind them that there is an 89% chance that their current relationship is going to end, so it’s good that they’re enjoying it while they can.
4. Prank the ones you love. Send your significant other a text message like “I haven’t been fully honest with you,” and then don’t say anything else for an hour. Tell them later you were just kidding. Call me if needed.
5. Get a prenup. It’s something you should do anyway, and you can still do it even if you’re already married. Plus, the irony is just brilliant—your divorce attorney will be very impressed with you.
6. Be progressive. When people wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day, ask you about your plans or brag about theirs, look amused and say, “You still do Valentine’s Day? I thought only our parents’ generation did that.” This works best if you’re under forty and cool (I’m neither).
7. Eat your heart out. The original Valentine’s Day—as in, the one that St. Valentine actually had anything to do with—was a feast day. In all seriousness, cook, eat, be merry, and share good food with good people. It’s a failsafe way to suck-proof your Valentine’s Day.

So, that’s it. I’m not even going to pretend to care if you have romantical plans with your significant other this Valentine’s Day, because I don’t.

Avoid my Valentine’s Day advice at your peril. And let me know what you think of all this on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Get a Hobby, People

As is custom each January, Instagram celebrities are selling you their juice cleanses and you’re getting dozens of join-our-gym-TODAY flyers shoved under your door. Then on the other end of the spectrum you’ve got old high school friends masquerading as self-help gurus/life coaches on Facebook telling you to just chill out man, resolutions are garbage and you are a perfectly special snowflake just as you are.

All those people are terrible. Don’t listen to them because both their extremes are wrong. Will you be a totally different person by the end of 2016? No. Does that mean you shouldn’t try to improve on things and challenge yourself? Of course not.

What happened to evenhanded, rational thinking? You don’t need to do twelve triathlons in twelve months, but you should try to push yourself out of your comfort zone. You don’t have to finally break free from fear, FOR GOOD, but you shouldn’t hibernate indefinitely, either. Instead, you should do some stuff, try some new things, and explore your interests. And what better way to do that than with a new hobby? Yoga and book clubs are so 2015. Try something fun, different, and totally 2016. By the way, did you know January is National Hobby Month? It is so get to it!

Solve the Making a Murderer Murder. Quit your job, shirk all responsibilities and dive head first into the Making a Murderer reddit thread and Solve. That. Crime. Exonerate Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey and become our national treasure.

Air Guitar. It’s possible you dabbled in air guitar as a teen Warrant fan, and later cast those skills aside in the name of “adulthood.” Well what did adulthood give you other than a mortgage and a sometimes crippling depressive disorder? Throw caution to the wind and get to practicing because this could be you someday, participating in the Air Guitar World Championships.

Celebrity Death Hoaxing. You know how every so often you see a headline confirming that Morgan Freeman or Matt Damon or Anjelica Huston is indeed still alive? Those celebrity death rumors have to come from somewhere. Why not you?

Butchery. Hipsters and their really dumb mustaches have taken to learning homesteading and trades in the past few years and their new trend du jour isbutchery classes. It sounds quite awful, but if you eat meat, you might as well get to know it before dining.

Ukulele. Do you want to be insufferable at parties or do find yourself chilling out to a traditional Hawaiian music Pandora station quite often? Then the ukulele is for you!  There’s a whole online community dedicated to providing “ukelele friendly” renditions of virtually any music you could think of. Say what you want but I feel you haven’t really heard Slayer’s “Angel of Death” until you hear it played on a ukelele.  

Duct Tape Crafting. Traditional crafting too mainstream for you? Don’t like the vibe in your local Michaels? Take your crafting to the next level by limiting yourself to one supply: the mighty and versatile roll of duct tape. You can makea lot of crazy stuff.

Dog Grooming. Do you find watching someone get their hair cut hypnotic? Do you also like dogs? Well combine those two disparate facts about yourself into one totally normal hobby: creative dog grooming. Your schnauzer is going to look so cute/hate you so much.

Subway Reading. Do you have free afternoons frequently, or find yourself bored on weekends? And you like books? But your home is too stagnant? Pick a subway line, grab a seat (push an old lady out of the way if you have to!) and ride end to end immersed in your book. You can even read about the subway, or even better about mole people.

Home Brewing.  Home brewing has been growing in popularity for a while now. Nearly everyone I know has been bored to tears taking a “tour” of the “really interesting set up” an acquaintance has “got going” in a dark closet somewhere in their apartment. You can join the ranks, have fun with science, and get drunk.

Stone Skipping. Not just for olde timey rascals down by the fishing hole anymore, stone skipping is now a seriously competitive endeavor. Practice hard and try to beat some world records.

Flair Bartending. This could be you! Imagine how impressed you’ll be with yourself, and how embarrassed your friends will be of you!

Get Really into Fringe Religions. Scientology is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to secretive, fishy religious organizations. Immerse yourself in wild world of the Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints, Raëlism, Heaven’s Gate or any other group that tickles your fancy. Imagine all the cocktail party talking points you’ll pick up!

Competitive Bearding (& Mustache-ing). Did you know there are beard competitions? I’m not making that up. If you’re lazy and male this really is about as easy of a hobby as you can get. Just wake up and don’t shave. Unlike most team sports you can be uncoordinated and out of shape and still be an excellent “beard athlete.” I can’t make an outside jump shot but I suspect I would be excellent at not shaving. Need some inspiration and pointers – Alas,Whisker Wars has them so go big (… long? Bushy?) or go home!

Cheese Making. A baked camembert or brie is great this time (or anytime) of year so try it and let it inspire you! Truly, any sort of cooking is a great stress reliever. But if fixing up dinner isn’t interesting enough for you, why not try something a bit more challenging like cheese making? Soon you’ll tap into the underground cheese scene and Alex James will want to hang out with you. 

Pickle the Crap Out of Stuff. If cheese isn’t up your alley, why not experiment with pickling things. Don’t stop at cucumbers. Explore cabbage, lemons, watermelon rind, peppers, onions, pineapple (!), the list goes on forever. Pickle anything you can fit in a jar. Pickle all day long.

Yarn Bombing. If you already know how to knit, why not get involved in a yarn bombing group? This guerilla street art movement has been beautifying cities all over the world. Just think, you could be the new Banksy: Knitsy.

Whatever you pick, I hope you’ll join me in this 2016 mantra: Chill, but also do something.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

All the Movies are Lying About Love

In the year of our lord two thousand fifteen, human adults got really excited about a new dating website for Disney enthusiasts. As someone who thinks it’s weird for grown ups to go to Disney theme parks without children, it’s safe to say I was very unsettled by the idea that such a dating market existed and needed to be catered to. I’m all for every pot having a lid, and fully support the old adage “as long as you’re not hurting anyone go for it,” but this feels different and is worthy of further discussion. Catering to the Disney-obsessed niche, I think, is indicative of a shift towards embracing the idea that chasing a fairy tale is now an acceptable and encouraged lifestyle.

The problem is of course, life isn’t a fairy tale. The love stories put together by Disney and the rest of Hollywood are all fun and games until people start holding their own love lives up to fairy tale or romantic comedy standards. The odds that you’re going to have some incredibly unique love story are very slim, and the fact is, you don’t need one to be happy. But the more a person focuses on getting a big Hollywood ending over focusing on the work that needs go into that relationship to make it work and last, the more people are going to end up in my office discussing their divorce options.

Are Sunday afternoon TBS movies ruining us along with climate change, the gun laws in this country and aspartame? Just maybe. Let’s explore some movies that are setting us up for romantic disappointment, and you be the judge.

While You Were Sleeping
Falling for a guy from afar, saving his life, pretending to be his wife while he’s comatose in the hospital and then falling for his brother does not, in real life, end in a happily ever after with the brother. In real life it ends in a psychiatric hospital after people find out you were lying about being married to a person you’ve never met. You can plead and try to explain while the lithium kicks in, but there’s not really a way out of this one.

Pretty Woman
This is not an accurate depiction of the sex industry, in case you didn’t realize. White knight saves prostitute with a heart of gold is not how this goes down in real life. In a dangerously unregulated industry full of exploitation and human trafficking, a bloated, bored father of three hires a woman who uses drugs to cope with the unimaginable abuse from her childhood and they never see each other again — that’s real life. Or this ends in Gilgo Beach. Either way – Not. Good.

10 Things I Hate About You
The dark and stormy bad boy will not orchestrate a large musical number to get your attention. In real life, the dark and stormy bad boy will continue to hide his dad issues behind a veil of ~edginess~ until he succumbs to alcoholism – just like his dad!

Titanic
Hey, YOU CAN BOTH FIT ON THE DOOR. In real life, you both fit on the floating door and Jack dumps you after you get saved because, what the hell you could both fit on there why did you act like it would be impossible? Selfish much?

Every Hallmark Movie Ever

• You will not fall in love with the dashingly handsome, newly widowed postal worker.
• Santa is not real, he will not bring you a wife for Christmas.
• You will not save the family bakery from foreclosure by winning a large cash prize in a pie competition and fall in love with the real estate agent caught in the middle.
• You will not fall in love with the guy who rear ended your car, who also, as it turns out, plays your daughter’s favorite TV show character.
• You will not have a triple wedding with your two sisters, thus throwing a wrench into your parents’ second honeymoon plans.
• Santa is not secretly a total hunk and he will not finally realize he is in love with you and kiss you as it starts to snow, on Christmas Eve.

Last Holiday
The odds of you being mistakenly diagnosed with a terminal illness are pretty slim, even in our crumbling medical system. So odds are you’re not going to go on one last big blowout vacation, snag your longtime crush and then find out you’re not dying. In real life, this ends in your unfortunate demise and your family being left with astronomical debt thanks to your last hurrah.

Bridget Jones’s Diary
The idea of being accepted “just as you are” is such a beautiful, if not delusional, sentiment. Yes you should accept people, warts and all, but there is also a limit. There is a limit to zaniness, excessive jealousy and hijinx and real life Mark Darcy would have gotten to that limit pretty early on.

Every Lifetime Movie Ever

• You will not rekindle the spark between you and your high school boyfriend when you lock eyes unexpectedly across a Christmas tree lot.
• You will not fall in love with a young surfing instructor on the 40th birthday weekend getaway your kids planned so you could “let loose for once.”
• You will not frantically plow through boyfriends because your dying mother told you the one will be your seventh boyfriend.
• You will not seal your love forever by murdering the one woman who threatens your relationship. I really, really hope you won’t.

Love Actually
The lie here is that this is allegedly a feel good movie that’s supposed to fill you with cheer and romantic hope. The plot lines are actually not too far from real life as they’re all tragic. Dead wife, cheating husband, severely ill relative getting in the way of having a social life — take your pick. Though in real life the videographer ends up in jail because he is a c-r-e-e-p.

Never Been Kissed
It is possible Josie and Mr Coulson end up together but not until after Josie goes to jail for forging a driver’s license and Mr Coulson maybe loses his job for having an inappropriate relationship with a student. While she was actually a grown up, I can’t imagine there’s no repercussions for him.

Any Movie Starring Kate Hudson or Sarah Jessica Parker
Playing weird games does not lead to healthy relationships, it leads to threadbare relationships built like houses of cards. In real life, if the house of cards actually gets a wedding, it gets a nasty divorce too.

To sum up, the meet cute is not king. The wedding is not the end. No means “no,” not “keep trying to impress a person until you wear them down into loving you.” Do not let movies and the first three Taylor Swift albums brainwash you into thinking the one is Prince or Princess Charming. And for goodness sake go out and see the real world for as long as you can because soon enough you’ll be forced to take your kids to the sanitized Disney version.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

What Your Thanksgiving Dinner Says about Your Divorce

Ever wondered how normal your Thanksgiving dinner is? Wonder no more! Read on to find our what YOUR Thanksgiving dinner means, whether you're going to be having classic roast turkey or leftover Halloween candy. 

Top 10 Reasons to Be Thankful for Your Divorce

It’s that time of year again, when everyone is talking about being thankful for everything and you’re just thinking, “Shut up and let me drink my Cinnamon Latte in peace.” Not surprisingly, going through a divorce around the holidays can be rough. So, I’m here to spread some Thanksgiving cheer that ISN’T cliché and irritating, or so I’m telling myself. Here are your reasons to be thankful—actually for real thankful—for your divorce right now.

1. No more drama. For the first time in a long time, you’ll be able to roll through the holidays with a lot less drama, on average, than your past holiday seasons have likely entailed. Time to chill out and actually get a break for once.
2. No compromises on Thanksgiving food. It’s been years of accepting the traditional choice of turkey when everyone knows duck is more delicious, and foregoing the corn soufflé because “there’s not enough oven space.” No more! Make what YOU want.
3. No need to visit the in-laws. No more obligation to visit anyone on your spouse’s side of things for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year, only the joy of doing so if you actually want to. And no need to buy them all gifts, either.
4. Celebrating the way you want to. Feel like spending all your free time drinking mulled wine in your pajamas from mid-November to the New Year? Watching the Home Alone trilogy back to back every weekend day? Making a version of Thanksgiving dinner every Thursday so you can have leftover turkey sandwiches until you’re thoroughly sick of them (just in time for Christmas)? You can do that. And anything else you want
5. Holiday shopping—for yourself. The holiday shopping season is well upon us, and now, instead of hemming and hawing over what gift will be appropriate for a partner who probably won’t appreciate it anyway, you can spend equal energy hemming and hawing over what to get for yourself. Go on, treat yourself!

6. Focusing on what matters. With all the mental energy you’ll be saving this year by not fighting with your ex/soon-to-be-ex, you’ll have space to focus on the truly good things about life, your future, yourself, your kids if you have them … Basically, the things that the holidays are actually supposed to be about.

7. Focusing on pumpkin pie. Failing that, you can always bury yourself in some delicious, warm-with-ice-cream-on-toppumpkin pie. Mmmmmm.

8. Only dealing with your own baggage. There are going to be hard moments during the holidays, let’s face it. But now you only have to deal with your own stuff—not yours and someone else’s.

9. No fights over whether or not to send out holiday cards. Some people like doing this, some people loathe it. Those who think couples should do it end up doing most of the work and resenting it. Those who think it doesn’t matter end up frustrated. Now you can do it your way, whichever way that is; this is one holiday fight that’s no more.

10. New beginnings. I saved the best for last. This is the thing to be most thankful for as you go through your divorce: a new start. As the year winds to a close, you are finishing one crappy chapter, and in all likelihood starting the best chapter, of your Use the time to focus on what’s important, who you are, who you want to be, and where you—only you—want to go next.

Have something to ask, or add, or want to throw something at me? You can do it virtually by tweeting or posting to Facebook or leaving a comment below!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Holiday Roasting with Our Favorite Divorced Chefs

The healing properties of cooking cannot be denied. Following a set of instructions and busying your hands is like hitting the reset button on your brain. With Thanksgiving coming up, odds are, you’re going to be in the kitchen in one way or another. Whether it’s slicing radishes for a side salad, or being head chef calling all the turkey shots, let this holiday be the one where you pop on The Big Chill soundtrack, mash the crap out of some potatoes and bliss the hell out. Combining my two favorite things (being encouraged to overeat in America’s honor and divorce), I’ve taken the liberty of rounding up some great Thanksgiving recipes from my favorite divorced chefs.

Alton Brown is divorced. Did you know that? Me neither! Maybe his ex-wife couldn’t stand hearing about yeast budding for one more minute, and hit the bricks. We’ll never know. But what we do know is appetizers are a key component of Thanksgiving. They keep the hanger away and the pre-dinner whining to a minimum. Alton’s mushroom caps look like a great starter, as do these spicy pecans.

ou probably know Bobby Flay is divorced. A couple of times actually. His most recent split from Stephanie March was all over the papers. Perhaps youheard about the airplane that flew over his Walk of Fame ceremony with a banner in tow that read “CHEATER”? It is good not to be Bobby Flay right now. Almost as good as this potato gratin recipe looks. And what’s Thanksgiving without cranberry sauce? This one looks extra decadent.  

Giada De Laurentiis, she of the tiny spoons and over-pronunciation, is also divorced and boy was it a pricey split. Hey, readers, for the millionth time, get a prenup! And make this roasted root salad, it looks delicious.

I’d argue the closest the Food Network ever got to pornography was Down Home With the Neelys. While Gina and Pat Neely could make baked potatoes sensual, they could not make their love last. Gina filed for divorce in 2014. Depressing, I know. Drown your sorrows in this chorizo and collard green stuffing recipe, a perfect addition to your holiday table.

As this is the big show, and we’re not messing around, the turkey recipe will of course be courtesy of Martha. Martha Stewart, la grande dame de entertaining, was divorced in 1990, and while it was not pretty, it was in fact agood thing. Martha’s dedication to building her empire only grew stronger and she launched Martha Stewart Living the following year, and is — hang on let me get my calculator — currently worth a kajillion dollars. There is no one else I would trust with a turkey or gravy for that matter.

Nigella Lawson’s divorce hit the headlines with a fury. Lots of seedy and sad details were spilled but nothing can come between Nigella and her loyal following. Nobody cared about the mud slung at her and her ex-husband came out the big, giant loser. To be the big winner at your holiday, make one of Nigella’s desserts. This pecan pie looks picture perfect and this pumpkin cheesecake looks seriously delicious.

HOLIDAY ROASTING WITH OUR FAVORITE DIVORCED CHEFS

James J. Sexton, Esq. | November 18, 2015 | Divorce & Separation, Thanksgiving| No Comments

The healing properties of cooking cannot be denied. Following a set of instructions and busying your hands is like hitting the reset button on your brain. With Thanksgiving coming up, odds are, you’re going to be in the kitchen in one way or another. Whether it’s slicing radishes for a side salad, or being head chef calling all the turkey shots, let this holiday be the one where you pop on The Big Chill soundtrack, mash the crap out of some potatoes and bliss the hell out. Combining my two favorite things (being encouraged to overeat in America’s honor and divorce), I’ve taken the liberty of rounding up some great Thanksgiving recipes from my favorite divorced chefs.

via GIPHY

Alton Brown is divorced. Did you know that? Me neither! Maybe his ex-wife couldn’t stand hearing about yeast budding for one more minute, and hit the bricks. We’ll never know. But what we do know is appetizers are a key component of Thanksgiving. They keep the hanger away and the pre-dinner whining to a minimum. Alton’s mushroom caps look like a great starter, as do these spicy pecans.  

via GIPHY

You probably know Bobby Flay is divorced. A couple of times actually. His most recent split from Stephanie March was all over the papers. Perhaps youheard about the airplane that flew over his Walk of Fame ceremony with a banner in tow that read “CHEATER”? It is good not to be Bobby Flay right now. Almost as good as this potato gratin recipe looks. And what’s Thanksgiving without cranberry sauce? This one looks extra decadent.  

via GIPHY

Giada De Laurentiis, she of the tiny spoons and over-pronunciation, is also divorced and boy was it a pricey split. Hey, readers, for the millionth time, get a prenup! And make this roasted root salad, it looks delicious.

I’d argue the closest the Food Network ever got to pornography was Down Home With the Neelys. While Gina and Pat Neely could make baked potatoes sensual, they could not make their love last. Gina filed for divorce in 2014. Depressing, I know. Drown your sorrows in this chorizo and collard green stuffing recipe, a perfect addition to your holiday table.

As this is the big show, and we’re not messing around, the turkey recipe will of course be courtesy of Martha. Martha Stewart, la grande dame de entertaining, was divorced in 1990, and while it was not pretty, it was in fact agood thing. Martha’s dedication to building her empire only grew stronger and she launched Martha Stewart Living the following year, and is — hang on let me get my calculator — currently worth a kajillion dollars. There is no one else I would trust with a turkey or gravy for that matter.

via GIPHY

Nigella Lawson’s divorce hit the headlines with a fury. Lots of seedy and sad details were spilled but nothing can come between Nigella and her loyal following. Nobody cared about the mud slung at her and her ex-husband came out the big, giant loser. To be the big winner at your holiday, make one of Nigella’s desserts. This pecan pie looks picture perfect and this pumpkin cheesecake looks seriously delicious.

Just one more even though I know you’re really pooped from all the cooking and family and entertaining and everything. But you know what would be great fuel for Black Friday shopping? Why, Kris Jenner’s pumpkin breadobviously. While Kris isn’t a “chef” per se, she is divorced. And if you make this bread, when you hand it out you can tell everyone it is KRIS JENNER’S PUMPKIN BREAD and I don’t know what would be better than that. There are three cups of sugar in the recipe and it looks terrible,  so bake at your own risk.

So there you have it. An entire holiday catered by divorcées. Quite an interesting theme if you ask me. When you gather your family around the table, feel free to explain the bounty before them is all thanks to cheating, bitterness, strife, nagging, sadness and broken dreams. Then go around the table and make everyone say what they’re thankful for. If they’re having trouble getting started, kick it off with, “Well I’m pretty thankful Denise isn’t here,” and let the gratitude flow from there.

The New York City Marathon & Your Divorce: Basically the Same Thing

Several months of dedicated, grueling, and emotional work. Crying before dawn and after sunset. Every muscle in your body aching and nearly giving up. Only getting relief sitting in a bathtub full of ice. The only food that your stomach can handle is liquid calories.

Am I talking about training for and running the New York City Marathon, or getting through a divorce? Both actually. You’d be shocked how much your divorce and the marathon have in common. Both are long in the making. Both take a lot of preparation. And both are mostly total misery, but so absolutely fantastic when finally over.

So, as it is marathon time here in New York City (didn’t you notice your gym was full of people you’ve never seen before, all pulling up a freshly downloaded C25K apps on their phones?), I’d thought it’d be fun to combine two topics I’m extra familiar with in the infographic below.

11 Tips for Talking to Your Kids about Divorce

One of the most stressful aspects of the divorce process for those of us with kids is dealing with the inevitability, and sadness, of having to explain the divorce to them. When I hit this moment myself, it didn’t matter that I had counseled plenty of parents through this already, nor that I knew it would pass and things would get easier; it was still an incredibly difficult moment.

Earlier this year I published a post on how to go public with your divorce, and it got a great response. Talking about divorce is difficult pretty much on every front. With that in mind, I’ve compiled the wisdom that I’ve gathered, both from experiencing it myself and from the insight of numerous parents who have come through my doors. Here are some tips for telling your kids that you’re getting a divorce: just take it step by step.

1. Wait until it’s for sure.

Most couples go through a few “should-we-shouldn’t-we” periods, and it’s important not to involve the children in your uncertainty during these times. Wait to tell them you’re getting a divorce until the process is actually started, legally, so as to avoid putting them through hell just to take it back three weeks later, and then potentially change your mind again a month after that.

2. Present a united front.

Although you might hate each other behind closed doors, in front of the kids, especially now, you need to communicate as a parental unit. Get together beforehand, and plan carefully what you’re going to say. You might think you can have this conversation spontaneously, but once you’re in the moment, emotions can derail you entirely, and the last thing you want is to end up in an argument.

3. Tell everyone at the same time.

If you have more than one child, it’s important that you tell everyone the news at the same time. Even if there’s a big age different between the kids, and you think the older ones can handle it—don’t ask them to. Nobody should have to keep that secret.

4. Tell the truth.

This is one of those times that sugar-coating is only going to make things worse. “It’s going to be hard” is more honest than “It’s not that bad…”, and will help prepare them for the reality they are about to face. Minimizing the negative is not going to work in this situation. You don’t need to go into the details of your broken relationship, but you should be honest about the future: be calm, but be honest.

5. Take mutual responsibility for the divorce.

Behind closed doors there is a lot of apportioning blame during a divorce. However, for the sake of your kids, when you tell them about it, don’t blame each other in any way: take the blame together: “We decided to do this”; “We are sorry.” Even if you agree that one parent is to blame versus the other, asking your children to bear that knowledge is not fair, and endangers their relationship with that parent. And if you don’t address this aspect—if nobody takes responsibility—it’s natural for a kid to blame themselves, and they almost certainly will. To help keep their lives, self-esteem and relationship with you as stable as possible, take the blame together.

6. Emphasize the fact that this doesn’t change how either of you feel about them.

Reassurance is one of the most crucial things to offer at this point, and for the foreseeable future. Make sure your kids know that no matter what the domestic situation becomes—who lives with who, for example—you both will continue to love them exactly as much as now.

7. Discuss changes and what to expect.

Uncertainty is going to be a source of anxiety for your kids right now. What you need to do is provide them with parameters and solid things they can count on, as soon as you have the information. The younger the child, the less of a frame of reference they’re going to have for what a divorce will mean, so start with the most basic, obvious things, and go from there.

8. Encourage them to express their feelings.

You’re probably doing most of the talking at this point. Open the conversation up to be, well, a conversation. They might have no idea what to say, or they might be angry, or they might cry—let them know this is fine. Give them space to do it.

9. Accept their feelings.

One of the most natural things to do is to try to make your kids feel better, and there a lot of constructive ways you can do that, over time. But in the moment, don’t try to tell them it’s not really that bad, or otherwise minimize what they’re dealing with. This is a big deal, and they deserve to feel however they feel about it.

10. Focus on things that matter to them.

One way you can calm the waters without covering up the truth is to focus on things that matter to your kids. Do they play sports? Make sure they know this isn’t going to change, and mom and dad will still both go to games (if that’s true). Do you have special traditions, like Ice Cream Fridays? Make sure they know you’ll keep doing that, even if you take turns. This will also help you set the pace for what will hopefully become a strong co-parenting situation.

11. Set up a support system.

Once you’ve told your kids, let the other adults in their life know what’s going on—even if you don’t go into the details—and ask them to keep an eye out for any signs of distress, and to let you know. This probably includes teachers, coaches, babysitters, grandparents, etc. Doing this will help you identify any adjustment problems as they occur, but also it will ensure that there is plenty of support around your child during a time when they need it.

Have questions, or something to add? I’m listening! Leave a comment below or tweet to me.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

How Do You Make New Friends after Divorce?

The thing about major life changes, is that they always affect more than one aspect of your life—they usually affect pretty much every aspect of your life. Divorce, for many of us, means a big change in our social lives.

Of course there’s the initial “I don’t want to see anybody,” curled-up-in-a-ball phase. This is often followed by the “Don’t take pity on me / don’t-need-anybody-but-myself” phase, which can throw another wrench into the gears of your social world.

Eventually, when you crawl out from under your divorce rock, you might find that all of your previous social engagements have dried up, and/or you might realize that hanging out with your usual crowd is going to mean risking running into your ex. Or worse, it’s going to mean putting your friends in the awkward position of choosing between you, and the business of figuring out which friends are “yours” and which ones are “theirs.” 

Embracing your independence, this is quite possibly the perfect time to get out of your bubble and make some new friends.

Making friends as an adult is inevitably a heck of a lot harder than it was to do as a kid. I mean, as a kid, all you have to do is give somebody your Snack Pack and you’re in. With adults, you’re competing with their busy schedules, and with the fact that, to be frank, most adults aren’t looking for new friends.

So how do you do it?

Workout Buddies
Yeah, you probably need to get in shape anyway, right? There’s almost no better foundation for a healthy, motivating friendship than giving each other support, and holding each other accountable, for getting or staying in shape. You might not want to say “Hey, you should get in shape with me!” out of the blue—that could have the exact opposite effect you’re going for—but if someone mentions wanting to get out and be more active, for example, invite them to meet you for a hike or walk in the park.

Making a Friend At Work
Maybe you’re one of those people who initiates after-work beers … or maybe you’re one of those people who avoids those people. If the latter is true, burst through your antisocial tendencies and give it a chance at least a couple of times. Sometimes just saying Yes turns into a friendship.

Play Dates
Use your kids! The funny thing about playdates—and this is something all parents know and don’t talk about—is that sometimes your kids’ friends have parents you’d rather not hang out with, and sometimes they don’t get along with YOUR friends’ kids at all. And you just deal with it. And sometimes, randomly, you’ll find that golden equilibrium where everybody’s entertained—and these are the friends you should never let go. Playdates are also a unique opportunity where you’re achieving something and at the same time you have very little to do, much like being on an airplane. So it’s a great time to just chat and get to know the other parent anyway. It’s a fertile ground for friendship.

Get Back in Touch
We all have those old friends that we’ve just lost touch with, and feel a TAD guilty about losing touch, just enough to keep us from picking up the phone and giving them a call. This can go on for decades. Make a list of your old friends who you haven’t talked to in awhile (Facebook doesn’t count) and give them a call. Be the bigger person. They’ll almost certainly be very pleased that you called first.

Volunteer
If you’re one of those nice people who cares about things, find a cause and start volunteering! You’re sure to find like-minded, kind-hearted people like yourself. Just make sure to pick an activity that involves being with these other people, rather than off doing something on your own.

Professional Networking Events
If you’re a busy professional, going to networking events can be a nice way to kill two birds with one stone—work AND play. Conferences that last a few days are particularly good for making new friends, because they effectively take a bunch of busy people out of their normal routine, and this leaves space for new relationships to happen. Ever notice how people at conferences are more open to chatting? It’s because that’s why they’re there: to meet people.

Join a Group
Joining a group is one of those no-brainer things for adults who want to make friends, because they almost certainly guarantee it. Also, there are groups for everything—from antique appreciation societies to anime enthusiasts—so you are bound to find something that interests you. Groups that meet regularly are the best for friendmaking, because of the consistency, ie. you’re less likely to lose track of each other, because there’s pre-scheduled meeting every week or two. And you already have a basis for a friendship in that you share a common interest, so it’s a winner on all fronts.

Have something you want to add, complain about, share, demand? I’m all ears! Leave me a comment below or tweet to me!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Why Naked & Afraid Is a Perfect Metaphor For Your Divorce

I managed to catch some of the last season of the Discovery Channel’s weirdly good idea Naked and Afraid, and it struck me while watching that it reminded me of the job I do every day; or more accurately, the job that my clients are doing that I am helping them do, ie. get divorced.

The concept of the show is pretty simple: two people, a man and a woman, are dropped off in a wilderness location, and they have to survive for 21 days. They don’t have any food or shelter, and—the big kicker—they are butt-naked. This is where we are with reality TV in 2015: butt-naked survivalism. But I digress.

One reason among many is that once I watched the show I decided it was a fantastic metaphor for divorce. Another reason is that if I insist the show is about divorce, when I’m watching it later I can call it “research.” So, here you go, friends—here are the reasons why Naked and Afraid is exactly like your divorce.

• It’s a lot sexier for the people watching than it is for the people starring.
• You’re sharing a bed with someone you barely know.
• You find out who your partner REALLY is when you’re both under extreme stress and under a microscope.
• Having your dirty laundry discussed by strangers is a lot like being naked.
• People stop sharing. Like the lady who ate a whole coconut by herself and lied about it to her partner. …In my board room.
• The ongoing task calls upon all your skills of endurance and emotional control.
• At several points you wonder why you ever signed up for this. And then you remember what quitting would mean, so you keep going.
• When you get to the finish line, you are rewarded with a huge sense of freedom—breathe it in.

Although, in divorce you get off relatively easy on some counts. For example, you don’t have to poop naked. In front of a stranger. On camera. You do get to shower during divorce proceedings, and you also are unlikely to have to eat bugs, I mean if your divorce lawyer is any good at all.

The lesson I take out of Naked and Afraid (as well as participating in many divorces) is that you have to prepare yourself. And then when you’re prepared, you have to prepare a bit more. I’m the master of preparedness. For divorce, that is; I would never last beyond the first episode of the show. In terms of divorce only, I am the McGuyver that’s going to rip through the wilderness and build you a shopping mall using only a toothpick and my bare hands. And that, my friends, is the cue that my hyperbolic metaphors have all run out.

Let me know if you’re watching the show! I want to hear your thoughts.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Divorce All-Stars: Demi Moore & Bruce Willis

There are a lot of mistakes you can make while in the process of getting a divorce. Let’s face it: your negative emotions probably own your life, and you’ve started some not-so-great habits like having your first end-of-the-day glass of wine at 2 pm … It’s a recipe for disaster.

A good divorce attorney will help you avoid some of those mistakes, and in the spirit of being good at my job, I wanted to zoom in on couples who—although they’ve had very public divorces—have actually managed to make mostly good decisions and thus do minimal damage to themselves, their reputations, and probably their wallets as well.

Of those celebrities who have set a decidedly good example of divorce, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore are one of the classics.

Willis, best known for his roles in Die Hard and The Fifth Element, and Moore, known for films likeGhost and GI Jane, married in 1987, and had three children together. They divorced in 2000, for reasons that were never discussed publicly (this in itself was a hugely good decision on the part of both people).

Rumer, their oldest daughter, has been quoted as saying she is “so thankful and grateful” that her parents made such an effort to be civil, and keep things out of public eye. “I never had to split up vacations or split up birthdays,” said Rumer. “They always made an effort to do all of the family events still together and made such an effort to still have our family be as one unit, as opposed to two separate things, which I think really made an impact.”

The proof is in the pudding, as they say. There are virtually no negative comments, photos, or statements floating around out there in the media from either of the divorcees, meaning they really kept their mouths shut and did what was right for the kids and themselves. (After so many years in this business, I know that no matter how “amicable” a divorce is on the outside, there’s always hurt behind the scenes—nobody gets away scot-free.) There are also no photos of drunken rebound partying, no quick marriages to new people, no publicity stunts or strategic talk-show appearances directly associated with their divorce; they pretty much just got on with things and ignored the gossip mill, much to their benefit.

 
You do, however, see plenty of photos of the “one unit” family that Rumer Willis talked about, going on vacation with new partners and all. Whatever willpower it took those first couple of times, major kudos to Moore and Willis for pulling it off. And you can imagine it has lots of benefits, if you can actually get along with your ex’s new partner.

The persistent stereotype that divorce lawyers are more interested in increasing conflict than helping “cooler heads” prevail is understandable. Divorce lawyers get paid to fight.  We simply don’t get paid as much when people get along. To suggest that this means we are all, as a profession, interested in banging the war drums is simply inaccurate.  Oncologists don’t get paid when people don’t get cancer – but they aren’t looking to give people cancer or hoping that the cancer spreads so they can buy into a nicer share in the Hamptons.

Divorce attorneys are actually in a position to support genuinely amicable arrangements if the divorcing parties are interested in doing that. We’ve been on both sides of nearly every co-parenting issue two people can dispute and we can give you solid advice on how to lower the level of conflict and become not only a cooperative co-parent but a proactive co-parent: quashing conflicts before they happen and anticipating issues that might, if left unattended, cause short or long term upset between otherwise amicable parties.

There’s an old saying in divorce law: “Elephants don’t marry Zebras”.  Both Bruce and Demi (and the family law attorneys who advised them) deserve a round of applause for the family life they worked to create for their children.  I’m sure it wasn’t always easy but the rewards were likely well worth the challenges. In a world where divorces and custody disputes can be brutal – it’s nice to see a family doing it well.  Gold star for the Moore/Willis clan!

Have a question about divorce? Leave it in comments below, tweet to me, email me, phone me—I’m all ears.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

The Loneliest Number

For many people, one of the hardest things about divorce is the fact that you’re suddenly forced to think about yourself as a single person again—not two, not a unit, but a floater. This is terrifying to many. And I’m not going to pretend I don’t get it, because as a divorced person, I do.

Yet one of the things that surprised me most about divorce, and something I get the sense is surprising to a variety of people I’ve counseled through divorces, is just how NOT horrible it is to be an individual again. This is probably especially true if your ball and chain has been making you miserable for a period of months, years or even decades. The experience of being a single unit again can be like the lifting of a giant angry albatross from around your long-embattled neck, and yes, I want you to picture the albatross. If you don’t know what one is, here you go:

This was your marriage*.

Now you get to be single again.

Some people say that being single again is a chance to improve yourself: lose that spare tire you gained since getting married, for example. I challenge you to do exactly the opposite of this: DO NOT IMPROVE YOURSELF. You have probably spent the last x number of years of your life adapting yourself in various ways to a person and a relationship that did not pay off, and you’re probably tired. I say, sleep in. Bathe if and when you feel like it, provided you aren’t smelly at work. Clean up when you feel like it. In short, be who you are, which may look something like this:

Relatedly, you can now do things with your time that interest you and only you. Possibly you don’t even remember what that means. If this is the case, FIND OUT WHAT INTERESTS YOU. Maybe it’s building model airplanes. Maybe it’s brewing wasabi- flavored beer. Maybe there’s something you wanted to try but never did, like rock climbing or hiking a small section of the Appalachian Trail so you can post Instagram photos of it. Whatever floats your proverbial boat, you can now do it. You have the right to do this and you don’t have to ask permission:

I remember when I first got divorced, many years ago, and had to decide what kind of couch I wanted for my living room. In all candor, I hadn’t considered that question in years as my ex-wife always enjoyed decorating every place we lived. What kind of couch did I want in my living room? The question itself felt odd and liberating. I enjoyed figuring out the answer in the weeks that followed.

Going through a divorce is crappy, and I assume if you’re reading this that your marriage is or was crappy. But one lovely effect of divorce is that it allows you to be an independent human being again, with individual concerns and interests and goals, and this, my friends, is not crappy.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Who Gets the Friends?

In the aftermath of your divorce, when the stuff has been divided up, the kids are basically adjusted to the custody agreement and the dog has stopped pooping in your closet to punish you for moving, there remains one of the most important questions of your new life:

Who gets to keep your mutual friends?

In all likelihood, your friends will each pretend that they’re neutral, and maybe even try to actually be neutral. However, much like parents with their kids, everyone has a favorite whether they admit it or not. I know what I’m talking about not only because I’m a divorcee but also because I was very decidedly not my parents’ favorite. (...There may be a connection.) But because your friends, unlike your dog, actually have some choice in the matter, you have two roads available to you in how you handle this: the high road, and the low road.

The high road is handling things graciously. You tell your friends you know this is a difficult time for everyone, that their support is appreciated but not expected, and that you completely understand if they feel awkward about choosing between you and your ex-spouse. The bottom line: They don’t have to choose (yes they do). You won’t hold it against them in any case (yes you will). Taking the high road means saying the right thing, relieving the pressure on your friends that your divorce is probably putting on them, and knowing that some of them will become, not so much friends, as people you see sometimes when your kids play together; you know, people you say “Oh, we should get together” but don’t really mean it. Taking the high road means taking a hit socially so that everyone can save face.

Your other option is the low road. The low road is political. It’s about using the ample ammunition you undoubtedly have against your ex-partner to ensure your social life doesn’t die with your marriage. While I don’t necessarily condone this approach, under certain circumstances you may be entitled to feel like you “deserve” the friends—particularly if you’ve been egregiously wronged—in which case, nobody can stop you from being cutthroat. (Who am I kidding, I’m a lawyer. This is totally what I would do.) The low road means potentially burning bridges (“I will not forgive you if you choose her over me”) and being okay with that. It also means that things are going to be fairly awkward when you run into ex-friends, but maybe this is a small price to pay, depending on your temperament.

There is, of course, a final, third, weird option: you circumvent the entire problem by staying friends with your ex-spouse. This is something I’ve seen a few people actually do with success, but those who do it appear to save themselves a good deal of misery. If you can manage this one—and let’s face it, you’re probably pretending—it will likely pay dividends, because you will be able to (eventually) hang out in the same room without making everyone incredibly uncomfortable, and your friends will probably be more likely to tolerate the divorce and keep you both.

Of course, that’s just my opinion.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Spring Clean Your Crappy Life

In my capacity as your friendly neighborhood divorce attorney, I just want to extend my encouragement and support as we all emerge from the depths of winter and our collective sweatpants phase, into the light of day! Spring is now fully upon us, and excuses have run out for not getting our proverbial sh*t together. In the spirit of Spring renewal and fresh beginnings, I offer you the following.

You’re not fat, you’re just well-rested.

Much like the bears of the forest, you have had a nice long rest during the winter months, and you have grown extra cuddly in the process. Drag yourself out of the cave, my friend, and onto a treadmill.

“Snooze” is only okay the first three times.

Short winter days make it nigh impossible to get out of bed before 9 am, but those dark times are gone. Try setting the alarm for 7, or maybe even 6! Have a power shake for breakfast! Do a sit-up! But whatever you do, do not hit snooze again.

Get a mentor, role model or anyone else you can annoy with admiration and mild stalking.*

My first suggestion for a role model for anyone is always Gwyneth Paltrow, especially if you need inspiration in the form of expensive candles or "conscious" anything. Failing that, I recommend your mailman and/or your high school gym teacher.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, (WO)MAN!

Clean behind the toilet. Brush your hair. I don’t think I need to explain this one. You know who you are.

Get divorced!

This is where I come in. Frankly I’m more productive now than any other time of the year, so you should really get in there while the getting’s good. And as we all know, spring is the best season to get divorced; you’ll have the whole summer to get over it before next year’s winter self-reflection period comes around.

Let’s face it, your life could be a lot less crappy. I urge you to move forward and into spring with a spring (heh) in your step! Sweep out the cobwebs, folks, and with them, your crappy spouse.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

*Fine print: Stalking is not something I seriously advise. I stand by everything else.