11 Tips for Talking to Your Kids about Divorce

One of the most stressful aspects of the divorce process for those of us with kids is dealing with the inevitability, and sadness, of having to explain the divorce to them. When I hit this moment myself, it didn’t matter that I had counseled plenty of parents through this already, nor that I knew it would pass and things would get easier; it was still an incredibly difficult moment.

Earlier this year I published a post on how to go public with your divorce, and it got a great response. Talking about divorce is difficult pretty much on every front. With that in mind, I’ve compiled the wisdom that I’ve gathered, both from experiencing it myself and from the insight of numerous parents who have come through my doors. Here are some tips for telling your kids that you’re getting a divorce: just take it step by step.

1. Wait until it’s for sure.

Most couples go through a few “should-we-shouldn’t-we” periods, and it’s important not to involve the children in your uncertainty during these times. Wait to tell them you’re getting a divorce until the process is actually started, legally, so as to avoid putting them through hell just to take it back three weeks later, and then potentially change your mind again a month after that.

2. Present a united front.

Although you might hate each other behind closed doors, in front of the kids, especially now, you need to communicate as a parental unit. Get together beforehand, and plan carefully what you’re going to say. You might think you can have this conversation spontaneously, but once you’re in the moment, emotions can derail you entirely, and the last thing you want is to end up in an argument.

3. Tell everyone at the same time.

If you have more than one child, it’s important that you tell everyone the news at the same time. Even if there’s a big age different between the kids, and you think the older ones can handle it—don’t ask them to. Nobody should have to keep that secret.

4. Tell the truth.

This is one of those times that sugar-coating is only going to make things worse. “It’s going to be hard” is more honest than “It’s not that bad…”, and will help prepare them for the reality they are about to face. Minimizing the negative is not going to work in this situation. You don’t need to go into the details of your broken relationship, but you should be honest about the future: be calm, but be honest.

5. Take mutual responsibility for the divorce.

Behind closed doors there is a lot of apportioning blame during a divorce. However, for the sake of your kids, when you tell them about it, don’t blame each other in any way: take the blame together: “We decided to do this”; “We are sorry.” Even if you agree that one parent is to blame versus the other, asking your children to bear that knowledge is not fair, and endangers their relationship with that parent. And if you don’t address this aspect—if nobody takes responsibility—it’s natural for a kid to blame themselves, and they almost certainly will. To help keep their lives, self-esteem and relationship with you as stable as possible, take the blame together.

6. Emphasize the fact that this doesn’t change how either of you feel about them.

Reassurance is one of the most crucial things to offer at this point, and for the foreseeable future. Make sure your kids know that no matter what the domestic situation becomes—who lives with who, for example—you both will continue to love them exactly as much as now.

7. Discuss changes and what to expect.

Uncertainty is going to be a source of anxiety for your kids right now. What you need to do is provide them with parameters and solid things they can count on, as soon as you have the information. The younger the child, the less of a frame of reference they’re going to have for what a divorce will mean, so start with the most basic, obvious things, and go from there.

8. Encourage them to express their feelings.

You’re probably doing most of the talking at this point. Open the conversation up to be, well, a conversation. They might have no idea what to say, or they might be angry, or they might cry—let them know this is fine. Give them space to do it.

9. Accept their feelings.

One of the most natural things to do is to try to make your kids feel better, and there a lot of constructive ways you can do that, over time. But in the moment, don’t try to tell them it’s not really that bad, or otherwise minimize what they’re dealing with. This is a big deal, and they deserve to feel however they feel about it.

10. Focus on things that matter to them.

One way you can calm the waters without covering up the truth is to focus on things that matter to your kids. Do they play sports? Make sure they know this isn’t going to change, and mom and dad will still both go to games (if that’s true). Do you have special traditions, like Ice Cream Fridays? Make sure they know you’ll keep doing that, even if you take turns. This will also help you set the pace for what will hopefully become a strong co-parenting situation.

11. Set up a support system.

Once you’ve told your kids, let the other adults in their life know what’s going on—even if you don’t go into the details—and ask them to keep an eye out for any signs of distress, and to let you know. This probably includes teachers, coaches, babysitters, grandparents, etc. Doing this will help you identify any adjustment problems as they occur, but also it will ensure that there is plenty of support around your child during a time when they need it.

Have questions, or something to add? I’m listening! Leave a comment below or tweet to me.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

5 Tips For Co-Parenting

I saw my first Christmas commercial this morning, which can only mean one thing: summer is officially over (ok, two things: and America has a serious consumerism problem). With the back-to-school season officially upon us, a whole host of newly divorced couples are taking their maiden voyage into co-parenting. This can be a tricky transition but the following tips will help you sail along in smoother waters.

Go Hi-Tech with Your Scheduling.
The real key to a seamless schedule is lots and lots of organization. Trying to juggle everyone’s appointments is hard enough when you’re all living under one roof, so balancing activities, splitting time between homes and coordinating custody drop-offs can be a real doozy. The best thing to do is set up what I call a “living calendar.” There are tons of apps and software out there, fiddle around with a few and find which works best for your family. Then set up access for everyone in the family including step-parents or other guardians and caregivers that help with the kids (also include the kids when they’re tech literate enough). Have a color code for each person and have everyone plug in their schedules, and update changes as soon as they happen.

Once everything is set up, you can start every day knowing exactly who is picking up the kids, where they’re staying and who is getting them there. Seeing everything laid out in front of you can really aid in creating a sense of calm and consistency for everyone, especially the kids.

Check-In Regularly.
If you and your ex-spouse are on good enough terms, schedule weekly or monthly catch-up meetings to just get a lay of the land. Use this time to go over any big developments in the kids’ lives, behavioral issues, any overlapping budget concerns and any other topics you see fit. You’re already a well-oiled machine with your living calendar, but some things are better discussed in person. Plus, having consistent meetings will keep the lines of communication open. Again, this is important in creating a sense of calm and consistency for everyone, especially the kids.

Communicate Directly.
Don’t ever use your kids as the messenger or the go-between. They’re not your personal assistants and using them in that way can cause them anxiety and stress where there needn’t be any. Figure out the best method of communication for your situation. Things still a little raw and wrought with emotion? Maybe texting or emailing is best for you. Keep conversations about the kids only, and don’t let your past issues bubble up. Think of your ex-spouse as a colleague. You’re now co-CEOs of your family, so behave as you would at work, meaning keep emotion out of it. Be pleasant and everything, but keep things all business and only about the kids. It may feel odd and fake at first but you may find yourself easing into more casual and comfortable communications eventually… and even if you don’t, you’ll steer clear of the emotional meltdowns.

Compromise! 
Now is not the time to be petty and selfish. You wanted out of that marriage, and you got it, bully for you! Now you both have to focus your energies on your children and trying to make this transition as smooth as possible. Now is not the time to squabble over 15 extra holiday minutes nor is it time to get passive aggressive about lenient “homework in front of the TV” rules. Meet in the middle and pick your battles. While the marriage ship has sailed, you’re in this parenting thing together, for the rest of your lives and I don’t have to tell you that’s the most important role you and your ex-partner will play.

Cultivate Relationsips, Don’t Compare.
A friend once gave me really great advice. He said, “Keep your eyes on your own paper.” I wasn’t cheating off him in math class at the time. What he meant was, focus on your own stuff. Don’t get wrapped up comparing yourself to others. Stay in your own lane and you do you. This is really good advice for co-parenting as well. Focus on the relationship between you and your kids. Don’t waste time comparing yourself to the other parent by questioning who is doing the better job or which parent the kids like more. The time your kids spend at home is a short season, so try to make the most of it. In a blink they’ll be heading off to school and/or into the real world so cherish every minute and know that if you’re doing right by them, none of this “popular parent” stuff matters anyway.

Do you have any co-parenting tips for your fellow parents? Share them with us and we’ll  share them!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Eight Things You May Not Know About Divorce Law In New York State

If you’ve begun to consider a divorce but are unsure of how to get started, or what the laws in New York regarding divorce are, I’ve put together a quick list of the basics that should help. You can also see my other post on child custody and visitation. Please feel free to contact me to discuss your situation.

You Can File for Divorce in New York If:
• You and your spouse were married in New York, and at least one of you has been a resident of New York for at least a year,
• You and your spouse resided in New York as husband and wife, and at least one of you has been a resident of New York at least a year,
• The grounds for divorce occurred in New York, and at least one of you has been a resident of New York for at least a year, or
• At least one of you has been a resident of New York for at least two years immediately before the start of the divorce.

“Fault” & “No-Fault” Divorce: 
New York recognizes both “fault” and “no-fault” grounds for divorce. In a “fault” divorce, one spouse will claim that the other spouse engaged in misconduct leading to the divorce.

“Fault” grounds in New York include:
• Cruel and inhuman treatment (mental or physical abuse),
• Abandonment,
• Imprisonment for three or more years, and
• Adultery.

Grounds for a “no-fault” divorce include:
• The “irretrievable breakdown” of the marriage, and
• Living apart for a period of one or more years, before or after a legal separation agreement.

 “Contested” & “Uncontested” Divorce: 
• “Contested” divorce means that there are critical issues in your divorce that you and your spouse haven’t been able to resolve, either with or without the help of lawyers and mediators.
• “Uncontested” means that you agree to all the important terms of your divorce. You’ve decided where your children will live and what the visitation schedule will be, you’ve agreed to the terms of alimony and child support, and you know how you want to divide your property.

A Few More Helpful Facts: 
• You can represent yourself in divorce proceedings, although this isn’t always a good idea, particularly if you are unsure of the law, or if you have complex financial or custody issues to consider. Divorces with concerns of child custody, property division, and spousal support can be especially complex.
• Paperwork filed in divorce court in New York is not public. This includes pleadings, affidavits, findings of fact, conclusions of law, judgments of dissolution, and written agreements of separation.
• While New York plaintiffs are entitled to a jury trial, the only issue that a jury can decide on is the grounds for the divorce.

While this covers the basics of New York divorce law, it’s highly likely that you will benefit by seeking legal counsel before you begin divorce proceedings. If you’d like to discuss your particular situation, please feel free to contact me.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

The United States of Divorce

For a change of pace, and to brighten up your Monday: Everything you never wanted to know about your nation’s relative inability to keep relationships going!

The Facts:

1. There are 100 divorces every hour in the U.S.

2. Slightly less than 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. This number is affected by outliers with multiple marriages, however.

3. Like marriage, divorce in the United States is the province of state governments, and divorce laws vary from state to state.

4. In the US, 41% of first marriages end in divorce, 60% of second marriages end in divorce, and 73 % of third marriages end in divorce.

5. The average age for couples going through their first divorce is 30 years old.

6. According to the 2011 United Nations’s Demographic Yearbook, the US had the sixth-highest divorce rate. Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova and the Cayman Islands had the top five spots in that order.

7. 2008 voter data showed that states that tend to vote Republican have higher divorce rates than states that tend to vote Democrat.

8. New York was the latest state to allow non-consensual no-fault divorce, in 2010.

9. On average, it takes about a year to complete a divorce procedure in the US.

10. A few high-profile court cases have involved children “divorcing” their parents; these are not actually divorces, but the legal emancipation of minors.

11. In 2015, the Manhattan Supreme Court ruled that Ellanora Baidoo could serve her husband divorce papers through a Facebook message, and she became the first woman to legally serve her husband divorce papers via Facebook.

12. As of 2011, for states with available data, the dissolution rates for same-sex couples are slightly lower on average than divorce rates of different-sex couples.

13. Of marriages ending in divorce, the average length is 8 years.

14. The average divorcee waits 4 years before remarrying, if they choose to remarry.

15. Approximately 73% of people with parents still married make it to their 10th anniversary.

16. 57% of people who grew up in homes where one or both parents were absent make it to their 10th anniversary.

17. A third of all U.S. divorce filings in 2011 contained the word “Facebook.”

18. According to U.S. statistics, if one partner smokes, a marriage is 75% more likely to end in divorce.

19. Statistics have shown that approximately 75% of people who marry partners from an affair eventually divorce that person.

20. People enduring more than a 45 minute commute are 40% more likely to divorce.

21. Among the occupations with the lowest divorce rates are agricultural engineers, salespeople, nuclear engineers, optometrists, clergy, and podiatrists.

22. Among the occupations with the highest divorce rates are dancers and choreographers, bartenders and massage therapists.

23. Other occupations in the top 10 include casino workers, telephone operators, and nurses.

24. The Air Force has the highest rate of divorce out of all the US military services.

25. Women initiate about two-thirds of all divorces in the US.

26. Among first marriages, 15% of men marry someone more than 6 years younger. On second marriages, this rises to 38%.

27. Less than half of U.S. children younger than 18 are currently living in a home with two married heterosexual parents in their first marriage.

28. The divorce of a friend or close relative may increase the chances that a couple will divorce.

29. New York has the lowest share of currently married adult men in the USA.

30. If you argue with your spouse about finances once a week, your marriage is 30 percent more likely to end in divorce than if you argue with your spouse about finances less frequently.

31. Couples with no assets at the beginning of a three-year period are 70 percent more likely to divorce by the end of that period than couples with $10,000 in assets.

32. If you have twins or triplets, your marriage is 17 percent more likely to end in divorce than if your children are not multiple births.

33. If you’ve been diagnosed with cervical cancer, your likelihood of getting divorced is 40 percent higher than standard rates.

34. Your likelihood of divorce is 20 percent higher if you’ve been diagnosed with testicular cancer.

35. The only US President elected after a divorce was Ronald Reagan.

36. Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander currently have the record for shortest US celebrity marriage, at 55 hours.

37. Mel and Robyn Gibson’s divorce in 2009 is considered to be the largest celebrity divorce settlement, as Mel paid his ex $425 million.

38. Among the most expensive celebrity divorces is Steven Spielberg’s settlement with Amy Irving ($100 million) and Michael Jordan’s settlement with Juanita Jordan ($168 million).

39. In general, men tend to file for divorce in January over women at a ratio of about 2 to 1.

40. The top 5 reasons for divorce include communication problems; infidelity or betrayal; financial problems; psychological, emotional, and physical abuse; and loss of interest.

41. 79.6% of custodial mothers receive a support award, while only 29.6% of custodial fathers receive support.

42. Among female respondents, those with a wedding bill higher than $20,000 divorced at 3.5 times the rate of those with a $5,000-$10,000 wedding bill.

43. In recent studies it has been found that couple who meet online have a lower divorce rate and report higher levels of marital satisfaction.

44. The use of Facebook and other social networking sites is linked to increased marital dissatisfaction and increased divorce rates.

45. Among heavy social media users, 32 percent had thought about leaving their significant others, compared to 16 percent of non-social media users.

46. Couples that use individual pronouns (“I” and “you”) more often are more likely to divorce than couples who use collective pronouns (“we” and “us”).

47. Several studies have found that couples are more likely to fight after having a bad night’s sleep.

48. According to a Brigham Young University study, couples reported lower marital satisfaction when one spouse’s gaming interfered with bedtime routines, with 75% of spouses of gamers desiring more marital input from their spouses.

49. Interestingly, when both spouses gamed, a majority reported greater satisfaction in their relationships than the median.

50. A 26-year longitudinal study found that when a husband reported having a close relationship with his wife’s parents, the couple’s risk of divorce decreased by 20 percent.

51. Conversely, when a wife reported having a close relationship with her husband’s parents, the couple’s risk of divorce increased by 20 percent.

Are you sufficiently depressed yet? 

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

15 Things You Might Not Know: Child Custody Law in New York State

If you’re considering a divorce in New York and you have children, it will be important for you to understand the legality around child custody. To that end, I’ve compiled an overview of the basics. For a more in-depth look at your particular situation, please feel free to contact me to discuss.

Child Custody Law in New York State

For New York courts to have jurisdiction on your case, the child must have lived in New York for the past six months. If the child is younger than six months, he or she must have been born in New York (except under extenuating circumstances).

Neither parent has a preferred right to custody of their children in New York.  If there is no custody order, either parent can keep the child with him or her. If the case goes to court, the custody decision must be made in the “best interests of the child.”

Either parent can apply for custody in Family Court. You can attempt to get custody in Supreme Court after divorce proceedings have begun, but you may only have one case ongoing at a time.

The status of “primary caretaker” of the child is likely to be important in making decisions regarding custody.

The parent who has physical custody of the child when the custody application is made to the court may have an advantage in the courts.

The court can consider where the child wants to live, but does not have to follow the child's wishes. The older a child is, the more a court will consider his or her wishes.

Parents may share joint legal custody in New York. The court usually will give custody to only one parent if parents are not able to cooperate.

Custody or visitation can be changed if there is a significant change of circumstances that affect the child’s interests.

If the parent who has custody of the child wants to move, he or she may need to get permission from the court. Alternately, the other parent can apply to the court for an order that prevents the move or changes visitation.

If the parents were never married, and the parents never signed an “Acknowledgment of Paternity,” the father has no custody or visitation rights. To apply for custody and visitation, he must first legally establish paternity.

If you have a custody order and the other parent takes the child from you or won’t return the child from a visit then the other parent could be arrested for kidnapping. He or she could also be charged with interfering with your custody.

The parent who does not have custody of the child can almost always get “frequent and meaningful” visitation. Visitation rights will only be denied if visitation is deemed to be harmful to the child in some way.

A lack of payment of child support is not sufficient means to refuse visitation. It can, however, lead to the non-paying parent to go to jail.

Court-ordered visitation cannot be refused unless it is believed that it would put your child in danger.

Half-siblings and grandparents can apply for visitation rights, although the court isn’t obligated to grant these.

While this covers the basics of New York child custody law, it’s highly likely that you will benefit by seeking legal counsel on these matters. If you’d like to discuss your particular situation, please feel free to contact me.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton