Divorce and Stay Classy, New York

In the category of “things that should have happened a long time ago,” a new Anchorman-themed bar has opened in the Lower East Side. Lucky for me, it’s only forty-five minutes out of the way when I’m coming home from work, therefore I will be stopping in nightly.

To be fair, the bar is actually Will Ferrell-themed, not Anchorman-themed, and it offers, for example, cocktails named after lots of his movies, not justAnchorman. But let’s be really clear here: Anchorman was the best Will Ferrell movie. (I will accept no objections to this.) Ok, maybe Step Brothers was but that can, in large part, be attributed to the genius that IS John C. Riley.Anyway, the bar owners must have mulled this over for days before coming to the name the place Stay Classy New York.

And classy ’tis. 

The cocktail menu is basically the best thing I’ve ever seen, heard or read. As you muddle through your divorce proceedings, methinks you’ll find considerable solace at the end of the day by burying your troubles in a Smelly Pirate Hooker (it’s a cocktail, people—get your minds out of the gutter) and/or a Whale’s Vagina.

Now, while I can confidently assure you that I am not in any way being compensated by Stay Classy New York to promote them or their awesome cocktails, I will tell you this: the first Anchorman movie more or less made me the man I am today. I now routinely use lines like “Don’t act like you’re not impressed” while showing off the many leather-bound books in my office. You only think I’m kidding.

So how should you make the most of this new NYC resource as you begin a new chapter in your life? Some suggestions:

1. Invite people to Stay Classy as a part of your whole making new friends exercise. 
2. Come to Stay Classy when you just need a break from people asking uncomfortable questions. 
3. Meet a blind date here. Even if it goes horribly, you’ll have lots of Will Ferrell memorabilia to fill the awkward gaps in conversations.
4. Establish this as your new “local bar,” even if it’s not actually local. Make everyone meet you here. 
5. Come here to read all of the Open Letters (they will be increasingly good as you work your way through the cocktail menu).

Let me know if you happen to stop into Stay Classy New York, and feel free to offer up a review in comments, on Facebook, or on Twitter!

The New York City Marathon & Your Divorce: Basically the Same Thing

Several months of dedicated, grueling, and emotional work. Crying before dawn and after sunset. Every muscle in your body aching and nearly giving up. Only getting relief sitting in a bathtub full of ice. The only food that your stomach can handle is liquid calories.

Am I talking about training for and running the New York City Marathon, or getting through a divorce? Both actually. You’d be shocked how much your divorce and the marathon have in common. Both are long in the making. Both take a lot of preparation. And both are mostly total misery, but so absolutely fantastic when finally over.

So, as it is marathon time here in New York City (didn’t you notice your gym was full of people you’ve never seen before, all pulling up a freshly downloaded C25K apps on their phones?), I’d thought it’d be fun to combine two topics I’m extra familiar with in the infographic below.

Letting the Skeletons Out of the Closet for Halloween: 30 Things We Don't Want to Admit We Do During Divorce

Because it’s Halloween week, and because I really like connecting with you guys, I thought it was about time to address the whole “things we never talk about” theme, ie. the dreaded skeletons in the closet.

The truth is, divorce can get pretty ugly. Uglier than we’d like to admit. Uglier than we expected. Contrary to popular belief, I’d like to suggest it’s NOT because of the lawyers (ahem) but more because when we’re fighting for what’s ours—from the toaster to our self-respect—people can be harsh. And when we go home after a day of that, we have our own ways of dealing with our hurt feelings.

Gleaned from years of seeing divorce up close and personal, and of course experiencing it myself, here are some of the skeletons that might be in your closet—and an assurance from me that you do not need to be ashamed. We’ve all been through it.

1. Watching sad movies on purpose, so you can tear up and pretend it’s because of the movie.
2. Getting really into “chick flicks”.
3. Doing M.A.S.H. like you’re twelve, “just to check.”
4. Listening to sad songs on purpose. Performing them in the mirror. Wallowing.
5. Making a list(s) of things you hate about your soon-to-be-ex-spouse.
6. Saying you’re going to gym, and actually going to Dunkin Donuts.
7. Starting yoga to help manage your anxiety, then quitting.
8. Breaking your ex’s stuff (accidentally).
9. Realizing you have their credit card info saved on your computer, and charging something on it, like a Spiralizer or a small beer fridge (accidentally).
10. Grabbing some self-help books at Barnes & Noble, then being too embarrassed to actually go to the checkout. Waiting until you’re at home and then buying them for Kindle instead.
11. Hiding all your embarrassing self-help books on Kindle. (Thank you, Amazon Whispernet.)
12. Facebook messaging your ex from college, just to say hi.
13. Surreptitiously dropping a banana into a box of your ex’s stuff before it gets moved to the new place.
14. Burning mail that arrives with your married name on it.
15. Burning other things.
16. Eating your weight in candy corn. =)
17. Enjoying the feeling of having people be interested in you when they find out you’re single.
18. Starting kickboxing to help get your anger out, then quitting.
19. Buying a new wardrobe you can’t really afford.
20. Not being as “okay with it” as you lead most people to believe.
21. Becoming irate when you realize how unrealistic most movies and shows about marriage and divorce are.
22. Become irate because it’s Tuesday.
23. Starting a swimming routine to help get your body back into “single” shape, and then quitting.
24. Becoming really, really, really invested in the outcome of every series of the Law and Orderfranchise.
25. Wanting to kill everyone who does the sympathetic head-tilt when they hear about your divorce.
26. Starting a reddit thread about how horrible your ex was.
27. Letting your friends think you’re actually more depressed than you are, so you can stay home and watch Law and Order.
28. Being totally okay with preferring Law and Order over human company.
29. Joining a book club to help get yourself out among the humans, then only going to the first meeting.
30. Writing motivational messages to yourself on the bathroom mirror.

31. Have a good one (or three) skeletons you want to share? We’re all listening! Leave a comment or tweet it.

    Respectfully,
    James J. Sexton

9 Elevator Speeches to Put Your Divorce in a Nutshell

You know that awkward moment when you don’t feel like talking about your divorce but somebody asks and you don’t want to be impolite? I mean when you’re past the “leave me alone” stage, but not quite to the “everything’s actually fine” stage. It’s that murky middle area when the divorce is still fresh—and everyone keeps asking uncomfortable questions?

Well, to handle that, enter the elevator pitch! Elevator speeches or elevator pitches are known as such because the whole point is brevity: can you get through them in the time it takes to ride the elevator (right before you walk away as quickly as humanly possible). While the elevator speech helps the upwardly mobile (haha, see what I did there?) make their point by the time they get their floor, it helps you do exactly the same thing—make the point quickly, minimizing the risk of tears, breakdowns, embarrassing rants, etc.

Here are a few of the best divorce elevator speeches I’ve come across so far. Feel free to use!

If You Still Like Your Ex as a Person

• “We now know there are things that prevent us from being married to each other. It’s not one or the other’s fault, and we hope the best for each other.”
• “S/He’s a wonderful person, and we’re glad for the time we had together, but we’ve decided it’s best for both of us if we head different directions now.”

If You Don’t

• “I finally figured out that I should matter.”
• “I found out where the missing money was going.”
• “Ashley Madison.”

If You Don’t Feel Like Sharing

• “We grew apart.”
• “It just didn’t work out.”
• “I’m going through a divorce. I don’t feel much like talking about it, but I truly appreciate your kind words and support.”
• “It is what it is.”

Have a good one to add, or any other tips for dealing with stuff post-divorce? I’m all ears! Tweet to me or leave a comment below.

For more of my commentary on dealing with life after divorce, check out my recent posts “How to Make New Friends after Your Divorce” and 

Getting a divorce? Feel free to contact me for advice about that, too.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Divorce All-Stars: Madonna & Her (Former) Guy

Gather round, kids, it’s time for your #throwbackthursday divorce story of the week!

Once upon a time (in 2000), just around the time Madonna started pretending to be English, Madonna and Guy were married. They married in a Scottish castle just after their son was born and teamed up together to work on a very terrible film. Thankfully they decided to keep their careers separate following the movie’s epic flop and kept sailing along adding another child to their brood in 2006.

BUT THEN.

Rumors soon started swirling that there was trouble in paradise. They confirmed the split was legit by explaining they couldn’t “bear to live with the pretense any longer,” (#UGH) because Madonna must always be the most dramatic Madonna she can possibly be, at all times. But don’t cry for her (Argentina). 

The divorce proceedings were seemingly tame, and the settlement was finalized in 2008 with Madonna agreeing to pay out Guy something in the ballpark of $80 million. They split custody of their children, though Guy received full custody of Madonna’s English accent.

It was all very posh and everyone lived happily ever after. 

The End.

Why Naked & Afraid Is a Perfect Metaphor For Your Divorce

I managed to catch some of the last season of the Discovery Channel’s weirdly good idea Naked and Afraid, and it struck me while watching that it reminded me of the job I do every day; or more accurately, the job that my clients are doing that I am helping them do, ie. get divorced.

The concept of the show is pretty simple: two people, a man and a woman, are dropped off in a wilderness location, and they have to survive for 21 days. They don’t have any food or shelter, and—the big kicker—they are butt-naked. This is where we are with reality TV in 2015: butt-naked survivalism. But I digress.

One reason among many is that once I watched the show I decided it was a fantastic metaphor for divorce. Another reason is that if I insist the show is about divorce, when I’m watching it later I can call it “research.” So, here you go, friends—here are the reasons why Naked and Afraid is exactly like your divorce.

• It’s a lot sexier for the people watching than it is for the people starring.
• You’re sharing a bed with someone you barely know.
• You find out who your partner REALLY is when you’re both under extreme stress and under a microscope.
• Having your dirty laundry discussed by strangers is a lot like being naked.
• People stop sharing. Like the lady who ate a whole coconut by herself and lied about it to her partner. …In my board room.
• The ongoing task calls upon all your skills of endurance and emotional control.
• At several points you wonder why you ever signed up for this. And then you remember what quitting would mean, so you keep going.
• When you get to the finish line, you are rewarded with a huge sense of freedom—breathe it in.

Although, in divorce you get off relatively easy on some counts. For example, you don’t have to poop naked. In front of a stranger. On camera. You do get to shower during divorce proceedings, and you also are unlikely to have to eat bugs, I mean if your divorce lawyer is any good at all.

The lesson I take out of Naked and Afraid (as well as participating in many divorces) is that you have to prepare yourself. And then when you’re prepared, you have to prepare a bit more. I’m the master of preparedness. For divorce, that is; I would never last beyond the first episode of the show. In terms of divorce only, I am the McGuyver that’s going to rip through the wilderness and build you a shopping mall using only a toothpick and my bare hands. And that, my friends, is the cue that my hyperbolic metaphors have all run out.

Let me know if you’re watching the show! I want to hear your thoughts.

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

Divorce All-Stars: Diandra Luker & Michael Douglas

Picture this:

It’s 1977…

Jimmy Carter has just been inaugurated…

A young couple is slow dancing on a crowded dance floor to Rod Stewart’s “Tonight’s the Night” (maybe that’s the song? I’m just taking a stab in the dark here)…

© 2008 WMG Tonight's The Night [Gonna Be Alright]

That couple? Michael Douglas and Diandra Luker. At a Jimmy Carter inauguration party. Seriously! That’s where Michael Douglas met first wife Diandra, the daughter of an Austrian diplomat. Celebrities really aren’t at all like us, are they?

The two were married six weeks later and Diandra stood by Michael’s side as his career took off. They reportedly separated sometime around 1995 and haggled over details until 2000, when the divorce was finally settled.

In recent reports, Michael has allegedly claimed the marriage went on for ten years too long. Perhaps he’s speaking about the emotional burden of ten years of strife, or perhaps it’s the $45 million payout he ended up having to fork over that’s really got him wanting to rewrite history.

20 Excuses That Aren't Going to Fly In Light of the Ashley Madison Breach

It’s been a stressful Monday for a lot of approximately 37 million folks out there and we’re not just talking about the usual #manicmonday craziness – We’re talking about oh-god-everything-is-going-to-go-down-the-tubes stressful. It’s a whole different level.

We imagine many have been racking their brains with excuses to give if The Impact Team decides to go ahead and spill “all customer records, including profiles with all the customers’ secret sexual fantasies and matching credit card transactions, real names and addresses, and employee documents and emails”.

We’re not sure what you should say if you’ve found yourself in such a predicament but here are 20 things you definitely should not say. You’re welcome.

1. I thought it was a baby names website.
2. I was undercover writing an investigative expose.
3. I was trying to get to the Ashley Madekwe fan site. I got really into the first season of Revenge while you were out of town. I just wanted to show Ashley and the whole Revenge cast my support.
4. I signed up to make sure you weren’t a member. You passed the test!
5. What is this “internet” you speak of, I am not familiar.
6. I was looking for a Billy Madison fan page – You KNOW I love Adam Sandler. I celebrate his whole catalog.
7. Wow! Sorry! The married people on the radio ad really reacted WAY cooler than you are about this.
8. I saw all the photos and thought it was a fashion blog for middle-aged people with no heads.
9. I was trying to improve my golf game. I googled “how to swing” and it just came up.
10. I felt like sleeping with our neighbor would be boorish and this seemed more considerate.
11. I was looking for a new babysitter! … Do they not offer that?
12. I thought I was doing you a favor!
13. That wasn’t me who signed up – That was drunk me.
14. Wait, you mean you’re not one of the 37 million on it?
15. … Hall pass?
16. I thought this was the sexier version of TaskRabbit.
17. So, you’re telling me we weren’t on a break?
18. But all our married friends are on here!
19. We always cheat on our taxes – Is this really so different?
20. Well, I guess they delivered – I’m screwed.

And if you need legal advice, you know who to call.

Respectfully,
James Sexton

The Five Stages of a Break-Up: The Playlist

Breakups are hard. Divorces, even the friendliest ones, can be like breakups on steroids.

That first love who broke up with you two weeks before prom – that hurt – badly. Now imagine she took your house or you have to see him every week when he picks up your kids who tell you about his new girlfriend “Kiki” who used to be their babysitter.

Luckily, there’s pop music to help guide us through the five stages of grief as defined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (the Kübler-Ross model — not just for death anymore!). Yes, that’s right. You can turn your pain into one epic musical reenactment.

Denial
This can’t possibly be happening. No Doubt’s Don’t Speak speaks to you on every level. Karen O’s pleading in the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ Maps hits you in the gut. Maybe this isn’t happening. Maybe this is all a terrible dream. Maybe we can fix this if we just ignore the situation for the rest of our lives. Maybe denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, maybe it’s a coping mechanism you’re using to keep from shattering into a million pieces.

Anger
Denial gives way to anger because who do they think they are dumping you? How dare they?! You howl along to Justin Timberlake’s Cry Me A River. You pogo to The Clash’s Train in Vain and pray no one ever, ever sees you dancing like this. You drink two gallons of wine and clear an entire karaoke place with your rendition of Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know. Sullen and alone you do The Supremes’ You Keep Me Hanging On as an encore. You try to hail a cab by bellowing Fiona Apple’s Criminal. No cabs stop for you. You cannot remember how you get home.

Bargaining
The hangover is bad. The anger has given way to desperation. Maybe they’ll take you back. Maybe there’s some sort of deal you can work out with the universe. Please Please Please, you beg along with The Smiths. Stay, you implore along with Lisa Loeb. When Can I See You, you blubber with Babyface. You force yourself out of the house. You look terrible.

Depression
You pick up take out. You see a familiar silhouette through the window at the bar on your corner. Only, it’s not one silhouette, it’s two. It can’t be. Oh you’d rather poke out your eyes than be witness to this. I’d Rather Go Blind by Etta James carries you home the rest of the way. You unpack your dinner. They gave you two forks. Two. Welcome to depression. You’re Crying with Roy Orbison. All Saints knows you’ve Never Ever felt so low. Blur knows there’s No Distance Left to Run. You Fall to Pieces with Patsy Cline. For your own safety you steer clear of more Smiths but can’t stay away from The Cure. You cry and cry listening to Pictures of You on repeat. During the first few bars of Roxette’s It Must Have Been Love, your neighbor knocks on your door to check that you’re alright. You promise them you’re ok but Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me begs to differ. You fall asleep to Love Is A Losing Game by Amy Winehouse.

Acceptance
Morning has broken. A sliver of light is peaking through the blinds. A new day has begun. You’re crawling out from under the depression/duvet and you feel almost alive again. You stand up. You feel the tiniest bit lighter. You stand up a little straighter. Katy Perry starts singing Roar and you think about putting on a flower crown, but it’s a Monday and you work in a bank not a beer stand at Coachella. You walk to the office. Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive echoes in your head. Charli XCX’s Breaking Up puts a spring in your step and you realize you’re better off without them.Your head is clearer. You want a sandwich. The journey is complete.*

**The journey will take longer than a weekend. The journey has been edited and condensed to give you hope that you won’t be miserable for six months to two years.**

**You may be miserable for six months to two years. The hope may be a lie.**

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Who Gets the Pets?

The New York law has been changing around pet issues for several years now, with courts, and pet owners, increasingly treating pets like family rather than like property in divorce proceedings. I’m in full support, as you can imagine, having my pup, Huckleberry, as a big reminder that pets are people too.

In New York and across the US, it’s mattering less and less whose name is on the dog owner’s certificate, if indeed you have one, because pets aren’t subject to the rules of property division anymore. Basically, much like custody matters work with children, decisions are going to be made based on the best interest of the pet.

This also means that the courts can and have awarded shared custody, visitation, and alimony payments relative to pet ownership in New York courts. If you love your dog or horse or snake like it’s your own baby and believe it would be better off with you, here are the things you need to be prepared to argue for in divorce proceedings.

• The major care of the pet. Which partner has been the one providing more of the day-to-day care of the pet, including managing basic needs (food, water, scooping poo, etc.) as well as emotional needs (affection)?

• Financial means to support the pet. Pets can be expensive, especially if something goes wrong, or if it’s a big pet that eats a lot, or if it’s an exotic pet or a special needs pet. (Yes, I said special needs pet.) Which partner is able to support the pet financially?

• Time to spend with the pet. Does one of you work significantly longer hours than the other? If so, it could be argued that the pet should be with the person who works less taxing hours, because they’ll have more time for the pet.

• Who brought the pet into the marriage? Even though pets aren’t considered property, it may make sense to consider who has a longer-standing relationship with the pet, because this might establish a primary bond.

• Space for the pet. Different pets need different kinds of living spaces. Is one of you better equipped to provide what the pet needs in terms of space? Be ready to defend it.

• Children’s relationship with the pet. If you have children, it’s important to consider their relationship with the pet (whether positive or negative). This, of course, could impact arrangements for children as well as pets, so be sure you think this one through carefully.

The best scenario is that you, your partner and your divorce attorneys approach the pet issue with a goal of arranging an agreement outside of court, including ownership and visitation terms. This may not hold up in court, but it is likely to influence the decision if both partners agree beforehand. However, couples often disagree over pets, and fighting this out in court is something to be prepared for.

If you can’t reach an agreement, one thing to consider is what you’re willing to give up to keep your pet. In other words, you should discuss with your lawyer the possibility of exchanging property for pet ownership.

This is all relatively new territory, but it’s an important area that needs to be considered carefully before and as you wade through the joy of divorce proceedings. It’s not just about you, after all, but about this guy:

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

New York Abandons Unique Form of Torture Previously Imposed on Law School Graduates

Did you hear about this recent New York state law change this week?

New York is going to adopt a uniform bar exam used in 15 other states. I think the full headline of the article should actually have been “New York Abandon’s Unique Form of Torture Previously Imposed Upon Recent Law School Survivors – Students Rejoice – Therapists Cry Foul!

I remember, with great nostalgia, spending hours in my local Starbucks studying the intricacies of New York State Corporation Laws and obscure state specific contract issues while my friends who had gone into investment banking were busy enjoying their mid-20’s.  I knew I was going to be a divorce lawyer the day I started law school and, thus, it added insult to injury (having already suffering the indignities of the required “Federal Income Taxation” class at Fordham Law School) knowing I only needed to remember this drivel long enough to regurgitate it onto the final exam never to access it again in my chosen profession).

The uniform bar exam is more a function of attempting to “streamline” the test so that it’s easier to grade and easier to administer on a computer.

But to be fair (and candid) the bar exam is just the last in a series of hurdles they make you jump so you can put “ESQ” after your last time.  By the time you get to it – you’ve jumped so many you don’t care anymore.  I sincerely think you could make the final three months of law school the same as an episode of “Fear Factor” and 99.9% of students would have the most bored expression on their faces while chomping on bull testicles in a vat of spiders.  The whole experience of law school is designed to see how badly you want it.  Virtually nothing you learn is of any practical use in the day-to-day practice of law.

I applaud the change to the new exam (although I still think they should consider the alternative I’ve suggested).  It would be far more fun to watch and potentially less traumatic than the current bar exam format. I live two blocks from the Javitz center (where I took the bar exam 14 years ago) and still walk three blocks out of my way when heading uptown so I don’t have to walk past it.  I’ve got the same PTSD most recovering law students suffer from.  I spent two days in that center wondering if the three years prior would just be a waste because I couldn’t remember, at a specific moment in time, how to apply obscure property concepts to a question that may or may not implicate admiralty law issues.

And people ask me why I can’t go to a car show there…..

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

The Loneliest Number

For many people, one of the hardest things about divorce is the fact that you’re suddenly forced to think about yourself as a single person again—not two, not a unit, but a floater. This is terrifying to many. And I’m not going to pretend I don’t get it, because as a divorced person, I do.

Yet one of the things that surprised me most about divorce, and something I get the sense is surprising to a variety of people I’ve counseled through divorces, is just how NOT horrible it is to be an individual again. This is probably especially true if your ball and chain has been making you miserable for a period of months, years or even decades. The experience of being a single unit again can be like the lifting of a giant angry albatross from around your long-embattled neck, and yes, I want you to picture the albatross. If you don’t know what one is, here you go:

This was your marriage*.

Now you get to be single again.

Some people say that being single again is a chance to improve yourself: lose that spare tire you gained since getting married, for example. I challenge you to do exactly the opposite of this: DO NOT IMPROVE YOURSELF. You have probably spent the last x number of years of your life adapting yourself in various ways to a person and a relationship that did not pay off, and you’re probably tired. I say, sleep in. Bathe if and when you feel like it, provided you aren’t smelly at work. Clean up when you feel like it. In short, be who you are, which may look something like this:

Relatedly, you can now do things with your time that interest you and only you. Possibly you don’t even remember what that means. If this is the case, FIND OUT WHAT INTERESTS YOU. Maybe it’s building model airplanes. Maybe it’s brewing wasabi- flavored beer. Maybe there’s something you wanted to try but never did, like rock climbing or hiking a small section of the Appalachian Trail so you can post Instagram photos of it. Whatever floats your proverbial boat, you can now do it. You have the right to do this and you don’t have to ask permission:

I remember when I first got divorced, many years ago, and had to decide what kind of couch I wanted for my living room. In all candor, I hadn’t considered that question in years as my ex-wife always enjoyed decorating every place we lived. What kind of couch did I want in my living room? The question itself felt odd and liberating. I enjoyed figuring out the answer in the weeks that followed.

Going through a divorce is crappy, and I assume if you’re reading this that your marriage is or was crappy. But one lovely effect of divorce is that it allows you to be an independent human being again, with individual concerns and interests and goals, and this, my friends, is not crappy.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

15 Things You Might Not Know: Child Custody Law in New York State

If you’re considering a divorce in New York and you have children, it will be important for you to understand the legality around child custody. To that end, I’ve compiled an overview of the basics. For a more in-depth look at your particular situation, please feel free to contact me to discuss.

Child Custody Law in New York State

For New York courts to have jurisdiction on your case, the child must have lived in New York for the past six months. If the child is younger than six months, he or she must have been born in New York (except under extenuating circumstances).

Neither parent has a preferred right to custody of their children in New York.  If there is no custody order, either parent can keep the child with him or her. If the case goes to court, the custody decision must be made in the “best interests of the child.”

Either parent can apply for custody in Family Court. You can attempt to get custody in Supreme Court after divorce proceedings have begun, but you may only have one case ongoing at a time.

The status of “primary caretaker” of the child is likely to be important in making decisions regarding custody.

The parent who has physical custody of the child when the custody application is made to the court may have an advantage in the courts.

The court can consider where the child wants to live, but does not have to follow the child's wishes. The older a child is, the more a court will consider his or her wishes.

Parents may share joint legal custody in New York. The court usually will give custody to only one parent if parents are not able to cooperate.

Custody or visitation can be changed if there is a significant change of circumstances that affect the child’s interests.

If the parent who has custody of the child wants to move, he or she may need to get permission from the court. Alternately, the other parent can apply to the court for an order that prevents the move or changes visitation.

If the parents were never married, and the parents never signed an “Acknowledgment of Paternity,” the father has no custody or visitation rights. To apply for custody and visitation, he must first legally establish paternity.

If you have a custody order and the other parent takes the child from you or won’t return the child from a visit then the other parent could be arrested for kidnapping. He or she could also be charged with interfering with your custody.

The parent who does not have custody of the child can almost always get “frequent and meaningful” visitation. Visitation rights will only be denied if visitation is deemed to be harmful to the child in some way.

A lack of payment of child support is not sufficient means to refuse visitation. It can, however, lead to the non-paying parent to go to jail.

Court-ordered visitation cannot be refused unless it is believed that it would put your child in danger.

Half-siblings and grandparents can apply for visitation rights, although the court isn’t obligated to grant these.

While this covers the basics of New York child custody law, it’s highly likely that you will benefit by seeking legal counsel on these matters. If you’d like to discuss your particular situation, please feel free to contact me.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

Spring Clean Your Crappy Life

In my capacity as your friendly neighborhood divorce attorney, I just want to extend my encouragement and support as we all emerge from the depths of winter and our collective sweatpants phase, into the light of day! Spring is now fully upon us, and excuses have run out for not getting our proverbial sh*t together. In the spirit of Spring renewal and fresh beginnings, I offer you the following.

You’re not fat, you’re just well-rested.

Much like the bears of the forest, you have had a nice long rest during the winter months, and you have grown extra cuddly in the process. Drag yourself out of the cave, my friend, and onto a treadmill.

“Snooze” is only okay the first three times.

Short winter days make it nigh impossible to get out of bed before 9 am, but those dark times are gone. Try setting the alarm for 7, or maybe even 6! Have a power shake for breakfast! Do a sit-up! But whatever you do, do not hit snooze again.

Get a mentor, role model or anyone else you can annoy with admiration and mild stalking.*

My first suggestion for a role model for anyone is always Gwyneth Paltrow, especially if you need inspiration in the form of expensive candles or "conscious" anything. Failing that, I recommend your mailman and/or your high school gym teacher.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, (WO)MAN!

Clean behind the toilet. Brush your hair. I don’t think I need to explain this one. You know who you are.

Get divorced!

This is where I come in. Frankly I’m more productive now than any other time of the year, so you should really get in there while the getting’s good. And as we all know, spring is the best season to get divorced; you’ll have the whole summer to get over it before next year’s winter self-reflection period comes around.

Let’s face it, your life could be a lot less crappy. I urge you to move forward and into spring with a spring (heh) in your step! Sweep out the cobwebs, folks, and with them, your crappy spouse.

Respectfully,

James J. Sexton

*Fine print: Stalking is not something I seriously advise. I stand by everything else.